What Would Your Surname Be?

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I’m thinking of changing my last name (aka surname). How do “Kelvin Humorist”, “Kelvin Bigrock”, “Kelvin Bignose” or “Kelvin Barking” sound? Many surnames in many countries originate from a person’s occupation (Cooper, Fletcher, Potter) or some land feature or building near where they lived (Brooks, Church, Green), some aspect of their physical appearance (Short, Brown), or where they were originally… Read more »

Freak to the Beet

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One story. Two treatments. The topic is a news report that a UK supermarket is selling meat in touch-free packaging for squeamish people. One article is a rant. The humour is sarcastic, some might say sardonic. The alternative treatment below is much sillier, and is based on a mishearing of the headline. Headline: Supermarket to sell ‘touch-free’ raw meat to… Read more »

It’s Dead Animal, People!

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Raw chicken pieces

One story. Two treatments. The topic is a news report that a UK supermarket is selling meat in touch-free packaging for squeamish people. This article is a rant. The humour is sarcastic, some might say sardonic. The alternative treatment is much sillier, and is based on a mishearing of the headline. Read both. See which appeals to your nature. Headline:… Read more »

Fresh Pits and “Bel Air”

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Picture of two sticks of deodorant with brand name pixellated

Does anyone give a rodent’s rectum about truth in advertising anymore, or do we all accept that the claims made about products are fiction and ignore them? I’m regularly amazed by such claims; so much so that I block them out of my head and therefore can’t recall any, so for now, I’ll make a few up. Fresh cherries! Guaranteed… Read more »

The Early Bird Catches… a Cold?

For several days around the end of March, this group (round?) of American Robins hung out in a tree just beyond our back fence. This is a phenomenon we’ve not noticed before in the 24 years we’ve lived in our house. Online searches and enquiries among friends yielded two theories. The first is that the birds move north with rising… Read more »

The Wormhole Dude Ranch

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In my constant search for ways to supplement my income, I recently discovered worm farming. I was in a conversation with a family member out on Vancouver Island, and we got around to talking about worm hunter-gatherers, farmers and so on, and surprise—they all exist! So I used my favourite search engine to find a Dude Ranch nearby that caters… Read more »

Bon mots pre Neo-Victorian Times

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Page of 1972 diary

I came across my 1972† diary the other day. Interesting to see the things I was doing and making note of as a sixteen- to seventeen-year-old. For example, the entry for the 5th September is, “Back to school. Boo!” The following Saturday, it’s “Norfolk Broads—holidays!” Aahhh—those were the days—when pupils could take a holiday during term-time without parents having to… Read more »

Cheese

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Crackers and Cheese

Headline: Big Cheese festival apologises for running out of cheese Normally, cheese gives a person bad dreams (or so the old wives’ tales go), but for me, it’s the lack of cheese that leads to nightmares. A cheese festival with no cheese? That’s almost as bad as a beer festival—or even a pub—with no beer. To be fair to the… Read more »

Redmond Company Seeks to Usurp St. Paddy’s Day

(Yes; this is fake news. But at least I admit it!) A Redmond, Washington company has decided that St. Patrick’s Day has become too commercialized and is seeking to make the lesser-known St. Redmond’s Day the focus of the revelry. Bob Doors, the company’s founder said, “St. Patrick’s Day has lost its faith-based origins. Nowadays it’s all about leprechauns, shamrocks,… Read more »

Fifty Names to Give Your Crapper

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Abandoned Outhouse

It’s a while since I resorted to toilets for humour, and after writing last week’s article (in which I bemoaned the beating-about-the-bush that goes on when using the facilities outside of our own home), I felt the need to compile my own list of euphemisms for that place. I did my best to limit this list to words that are… Read more »