(~5 minutes to read)

“The following article contains euphemisms for, and references to, matters scatological (albeit in the best possible taste). Reader discretion is advised.”

Or to put it another way, if poo isn’t your cup of tea, please move on.

About a year ago, the New Zealand Herald’s website carried an article that ridiculed the way society avoids talking directly about procreation, defecation, and termination (aka death).

As a species, we engage in all three activities. Admittedly, many individuals abstain—or claim to abstain—from one of them (I wonder if you can guess which one) but as a species we engage in all three.

I thought the discussion merited prolongation, so here, dear reader, is my contribution.

One

(Propriety forbids me from explaining that sub-heading, but trust me, there is a connection. If you don’t believe me, please ask.)

Instead of “mating” or “having sex”, we “go to bed with” or “sleep with” or “make love to”. Okay, so “mating” sounds utilitarian—something (other) animals do. “Having sex” is at least honest although it doesn’t connote a romantic coupling so much as a duty.

But “Sleep with” is one that’s always puzzled me. It’s usually used in the context of illicit liaisons, and the “sleeping” part is not what raises people’s eyebrows (or precipitates a crime passionnel). It also robs us of the phrase we would use to describe the act of merely sleeping with another person without eliciting smirks, snickers, elbow nudges and the like.

It wasn’t that long ago that “making love” meant romantic wooing, or as the OED says, “Pay amorous attention to”. I suppose it was a less salacious synonym for “flirting”. We all know what it means nowadays though. And it seems to be the phrase du jour for connoting a loving, romantic, monogamous, consensual coupling.

There are numerous synonyms to draw upon, the majority of them neither euphemistic nor suitable for use in polite company. Some that I can mention here (because I’ve seen them in newspapers, so they must be suitable, right?) include “bonk” (“boink” in the USA) and “hump”. I’m sure everyone is aware of others.

As a side note, the OED cites the origin of “bonk” as “imitative”. Can anyone enlighten me?

But since this piece is about euphemisms, let’s see what other terms we can trawl up.

“Do the dirty” is one curious candidate. In some ways, it’s worse than some less acceptable ones in that it draws attention to the reason many people are reluctant to refer directly to the act. And “Do the deed” sounds like checking an item off a to-do list.

“Have relations with” always makes me feel uncomfortable. It sounds like something that is rumoured to go on in certain states in the USA. (y’know… five thousand residents—three last names…).

And finally, “be intimate with…” really isn’t precise enough. There’s “intimate” and “intimate”. We refer to “intimate acquaintances” but that rarely means that we are or have been “intimate” with them.

Two(sies)

Americans seem to be the worst offenders here, especially with the venue. Of all the terms listed in my fifty names to give your crapper, at least eight of the most delicate euphemisms can be blamed on the Americans. Admittedly Brits went through a phase of toilet terminology avoidance, but Americans seem to be getting worse—the most recent adoption (according to my limited research) is “commode”—a word that in my experience was a piece of furniture with a potty under its lid.

The etymology of words and phrases related to defecation itself is long and tangled, and I have yet to find the original English word for the substance or the act, but suffice it to say that the phrase “Twosies” doesn’t appear in Beowulf, any of the writings of the Venerable Bede, or even Samuel Pepys’ diary (he uses the “sh” word in such a way as to imply that it was a socially acceptable word in his time.)

Three (Strikes and You’re Out)

We all die—it’s one of those inevitabilities of life. No amount of money can prevent it (yet)—it can only forestall it somewhat.

Yet because we regard death as unpleasant, undesirable and upsetting, we don’t use the “d” word, preferring to employ multi-word euphemisms.

Why?

Root canal work is unpleasant and undesirable, but we don’t beat about the bush and call it “intra-dental repair” or “foundational infrastructure reconstruction”.

Colonoscopies, digital prostate checks and many other medical intrusions are not what people willingly line up for, yet we call those particular spades spades. So why beat about the bush with the final curtain? (I’m so proud of that mixed metaphor!)

Monty Python’s Dead Parrot sketch is among the best and most comprehensive repositories of euphemisms for the last thing we do in life. However, the pet shop customer (usually John Cleese) isn’t trying to skirt around the subject—he uses the euphemisms as synonyms to reinforce his point and convince the pet shop assistant (Michael Palin) that the parrot has indeed checked the last item off on its to-do list.

All the synonyms Cleese uses are either sugar-coated euphemisms or jocular ones. “Pushing up the daisies” is one of my favourites, up there with “dirt nap” (which came into being since that sketch was written.)

But people do go to great lengths to avoid the “d” word. Even goldfish “pass away” these days, before being flushed down the “commode”.

Summary

Using euphemisms for sex and poop and rock-and-roll—I mean death—is to me as pointless as using euphemisms for what were (and in some places still are) regarded as blasphemous words.

Gad for God, heck for hell, cripes and crikey for Christ, Gee for Jesus: blimey, gadzooks, gee whiz, jeepers, for crying out loud, Sam Hill, darn, dash, dang, and so on—we all know what is really being said, yet because a person isn’t using the actual words, they somehow think that the big guy upstairs doesn’t know they’re blaspheming or being irreverent, albeit by proxy. Yet if the big guy’s omniscient, there’s no fooling him (or her or they or it).

So let’s call a spade a spade, a shovel a shovel, a poop a poop, an act of coitus a bit of slap and tickle, and that Discworld character that talks in upper case DEATH.

I’m off now, to partake in one of the three activities. While I’m at it, I hope to come up with an     outline for next week’s column.