(~4 minutes to read)

If you’re averse to scatological pieces, you may prefer to read some of my other (faeces-free) pieces.

It was my daughter who recently pointed out a common thread in many of my articles. “Dad,” she said, “you seem to have a fixation with poo.” To many people, such an observation made by offspring to sire might seem shocking, but here in the Hatchery, it’s Business as usual. (the uppercase “B” is deliberate.) Dinner table conversations invariably descend, as if in some lavatorial vortex, to that bodily function in some way, shape or form. It’s not something that I’m proud or ashamed of; it as, as they say, just the facts, ma’am.

“Get on with it!” I hear you say. “What’s the topic today, Kelv?”

Well, I’ll tell you Raymondo (obscure reference: leave a comment if you remember where this is from.) It’s the National Poo Museum in England, which opened in April 2016, and which will go on tour later in the year. I actually learned about this a few months ago, but it’s taken until now to get to the bottom of the news article.

The museum is at Sandown Zoo, on the Isle of Wight. (it would have been more appropriate on Brownsea Island.) It has a website and it’s a hoot (or should I say it’s a toot?). There are pictures, facts, jokes, and many other faecets (not a typo) of the topic. There’s a section called “Pootube” that contains videos showing (among other things) lemur poo being blast-frozen (with a fire extinguisher no less—presumably lemurs love vindaloo) and a guy whose job it is to dive into sewage. A quote from that latter video says it all about the mindset of this “brave” young man: “clean pipes don’t inspire me.”

And in what is surely a serendipitous coincidence for the poo museum, I noted that their address includes a Portsmouth post code—“PO”: I’m sure the delivery service is regular. (In case you need it explained; a “po” is an informal name for a chamber pot in British English.)

But the prize-winning item on the whole site must be a song and accompanying video—“Poo at the Zoo”. You can watch it here.  I won’t pass comment on it here—go and watch it. Runner-up is probably the Parrotfish song; another gem!

I’d alerted one of my correspondents to the existence of this museum several weeks ago, and received the following reply.

I’ve always wanted to sneak my own piece of art into a museum, like that guy that hung up his stuff in the Louvre.

I think I may have just found my venue.

Priceless!

I’m absolutely sure that this museum wasn’t set up just to satisfy the juvenile sense of humour of people like me (although I’m sure that people like me will be the most appreciative of its exhibits and whole raison d’être). I’m equally convinced that there is immense educational value in the enterprise. But they’ve spared no expense on the lavatorial puns in the making of their website. Their tagline is “Have you been?” I’ve already mentioned “Pootube”. And their mission is “to lift the lid on the secret world of poo”.

If I still lived in England, I’d almost certainly be applying for a job (a big job?) at this special place. I’d feel so at home there. At the opening “ceremony”, guess what they used in place of ribbon?

That’s right—TP! (Toilet paper; toilet tissue; bathroom tissue; continuous lavatorial stationery)

I think if I did get a job there, one of the first things I’d do is to put the following sign on the washroom doors.

But then again, perhaps not. It might make the penny-spending public nervous about where the plumbing might lead to.

But wait – there’s more! There’s a link to a BBC “Hands-on History” activity sheet that shows you how to make fake fossil poo containing clues to what the depositer might have eaten. I wonder how this would go down with the 40–50 eight- to ten-year-old Cubs in my Cub Scout pack?

A quote from a Blackadder episode says it all for me. The Red Baron has captured Blackadder and Baldrick, and is expressing his desire to learn more about the British sense of humour. He says, “How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing; for us it is a mundane and functional item, for you it is the basis of an entire culture.”

It seems that the Red Baron may have got his wish if he’d lived long enough (and had really said that!) There exists on YouTube a version of “The Poo Song” from Scrubs with German subtitles—clearly there’s now an appetite for such humour among our German friends.

But back to the National Poo Museum and its website. I strongly recommend that you browse the site, and if it moves you, to pay a visit to the museum itself. The website’s blog contains a number of incredible articles and videos—check out the pooper scooper app that allows you to leave your dog’s poop where it falls and have it collected.

Apparently the museum will be touring the country at some point in the future—I wonder if they plan to call the tour “The Poo Museum in motion; passing near you”? (Note to the Poo Museum: if you do, please credit Kelvin D. Hatch!)

I hope you’ve enjoyed this piece. I have to say, I enjoyed writing it; you might say I was like a pig in…

Your Turn

Have you been? To the National Poo Museum, I mean. If so, please share your thoughts.