(This piece was inspired by my discovery that there is such a thing as a Miss Mermaid competition (national and international), and by the statement in this article that most girls growing up want to be a mermaid.) “Can I get a hand in here?” Stella’s voice reverberated around the performers’ washroom in the theatre. She listened. Other than the… Read more »
News item: “Saudi Arabia is to behead a… man to death…” News item: “Shopping is one of our most traditional past times” I spotted both the above two editing fails on the same day. At the time, I thought of ranting about poor editorial standards, but thought better of it. I think the following script, which was inspired by my… Read more »
(Note to the uninitiated—“Cholmondeley” is pronounced “Chumley”. Honest!) “Pass the maple-rye,” said Tyrone Cholmondley-Wellichuk, the family patriarch. His love of rye whiskey infused with maple syrup was legendary in the circles in which he moved. And move in circles is what he frequently did, since one leg was shorter than the other as well as being somewhat paralyzed—the result of… Read more »
Headline: Remains of five ‘lost’ Archbishops of Canterbury found Once he’d gotten over the surprise of meeting four people in the 56 mile-long tunnel, Archbishop John Moore said, “So where are we?” His question echoed its way along and around the walls of the underground chamber at which he had just arrived. “Beats me,” replied Archbishop Cornwallis. “If it wasn’t… Read more »
News item: Luxury fashion house Balenciaga launches US$2100 tote that looks like IKEA’s $0.99 “Frakta” bag. The marketing department of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Prada Fashion Inc. (ICBINP, pronounced “Ick-bee-inp”) was holding a crisis meeting. Six of the most un-conservatively-dressed people on the planet sat around a table shaped like Italy, waiting for the Vice President to speak. She… Read more »
“Overdue library book returned to school 120 years late” ran the headline on the BBC’s Hereford and Worcester news website in December 2016. The granddaughter of a pupil of the Hereford Cathedral School found the book in her collection and realized that it should have been returned sometime between 1886 and 1894. Late return fines (currently £0.17 per day) would… Read more »
A few weeks ago I wrote a piece that was inspired by a news report that a gull had been rescued from a discarded tray of curry. A few weeks prior, I’d written something that was inspired by reports that the Finnish Postal Service was offering a lawn mowing service. The other day, I spotted a report about a mail… Read more »
Headline: Spanish town’s giant dog dropping goes walkies “Holmes Detective Agencies; ‘no solution, no fee—it’s that elementary’. Shirley speaking. How may we help?” “Is this Shirley Holmes, great-granddaughter of legendary Sherlock Homes?” enquired the voice at the other end of the telephone line. Although his accent was decidedly Spanish, it didn’t come out like that in the transcription. “You know… Read more »
News Item: Seagull turns orange after falling into curry (Note: this piece was originally posted with the title “Animal Rights”. It was renamed when the Gullsville series was developed.) “Where have you been? It’s three o’clock in the morning!” squawked Mrs. Gull, looking her husband up and down. “And what’s that smell? I thought you were just going out for… Read more »
Headline: “Finland’s postal workers to mow lawns” Prologue In Finland, postal workers have started thinking outside the mailbox. In response to declining use of the postal system, Posti’s posties are taking part in a trial of a lawn-mowing service, which will be offered from May to August. (Sounds like their lawn-mowing season’s as short as it is here in southern… Read more »