There will be no winners in World War III. We’ll all get participation medals, and whatever it was (hairstyles? Is it the Hokey Cokey or the Hokey Pokey? Which end of an egg is the top?) that started the war will remain unresolved so that we can fight World War IV (a name that has a nice rhythm to it)… Read more »
“It’s our xxx year anniversary today.” Which semi-literate started this? And why do seemingly educated people perpetuate it? An anniversary is the celebration, commemoration, observation, remembrance or recognition of something that happened on the same date in a prior year. The word “year” is unnecessary. Today is the 39th anniversary of my first date with my missus. I will not… Read more »
Dire warnings may make good headlines/clickbait, but I’m fed up with the world being controlled by fear—fear of weather conditions, fear of bad people, fear of out-of-date or under-cooked food: fear of sasquatch wandering down main street, aliens stealing our patio sets, or ghosts coming up the toilet and haunting our nether regions. There are real things to worry about…. Read more »
Almost since the first friction-ignited matches were invented in 1826, I’m sure parents have been warning their kids about matches. This weekend I learned that it’s reached the ridiculous point where kids will not or cannot use matches. Originally, parental warnings might have been more to do with the dangers of white phosphorous than fire. These “Lucifers” were not only… Read more »
What’s the most stressful aspect of parenthood? Forget the terrible twos, the teenage sullenness and the fake-ID-facilitated drinking binge. Giving a name to the bundle of joy that will inflict those trials and tribulations upon you is infinitely more trying. And for the crime of poor name-choosing, many parents should be tried, found guilty, and sentenced to eighteen years of… Read more »
Last week, I started to write a piece in which the characters of the Cluedo board game were discussing Mrs. White’s demise, but then I discovered that the characters’ names are all trademarked. I don’t have the resources to check if my piece would have been an infringement of those trademarks, and if so, to obtain a licence, so I… Read more »
(This is not an article for people who are offended by flatulence. If you are one of those people, please select another article to read.) Headline: Swedish Footballer Sent off for Farting on the Pitch If only the above article had been about cricket instead of soccer, the title of this piece would have written itself—“Wind in the Willows”. However,… Read more »
What is it with businesses referring to their customers as “guests”? Although it’s not the only meaning of the word, I (and I’m sure others) most commonly associate the word with an event and/or an invitation. Nowadays, I’m a guest on websites unless I have an account, I’m a guest at Tim Hortons, on airplanes, in washrooms… What is wrong… Read more »
I have several books of quotations on my bookshelves, although they frequently spend time in the bathroom. I came across the following quotation that both tickled me and resonated with me. There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, seems to offer more entertainment possibilities than the TV set. —Harriet Van Horne By coincidence,… Read more »
Just when did this nonsense start? “Today is the one year anniversary of the death of Bart Banger, drummer with the 60s experimental band, The Annoying Guitar Effects.” “Hollywood stars Annika Airhead and Zac Zeroiq celebrated their five-month anniversary today with a line of particularly pure cocaine.” I get that language evolves. I’ve acknowledged this in previous articles. But “five-month… Read more »