(~4 minutes to read)

This one was too good to miss! The BBC recently informed the world that Sir Patrick Stewart (he of Jean-Luc Picard fame in Star Trek: The Next Generation) would be voicing an emoji in an upcoming animated film called… The Emoji Movie.

I kid you not.

“Which emoji?” I hear you ask?

“This one,” I reply, hoping I’ve not infringed copyright by including this picture.

This is a movie that my whole family will enjoy! Why? One reason is that poop tends to be a recurring topic of conversation when we get together. Another reason is that Mrs. H. and both our kids are in lust with Sir Patrick Stewart (although his association with ordure could now change that state of affairs in either direction).

This is a respected Shakespearean actor.

This is the man who played Professor Charles Xavier (with an “X”) in “X-Men” (also with an “X”).

This is the man who boldly went where Captain James Tiberius Kirk didn’t get around to going.

And he’s playing a speaking pile of poo.

If I could trust my family to control their libidos in his presence, I’d love to have him round for supper—I’m sure he’d fit in with the conversation perfectly. Most of us are familiar with the concept of six degrees of separation—in our house, we play three degrees of separation, with poop being the destination (a similar game to Six Degrees of Bacon—try typing “Bacon Number” followed by a celebrity’s name into Google search). With Sir Patrick’s looks, his erudition, his politics and beliefs, and now his affinity with charactus scatalogicus, we’d get on like an outhouse on fire.

But with Commander Will Riker (Jonathan Frakes) being referred to as “Number One” in TNG, it seems odd to me that Captain Jean Luc Picard—Riker’s superior—could now be referred to as “Number Two”.

I’m not the only one to spot this new moniker for Jean-Luc. At least one FB/Twitter user has coined the phrase, as well as the websites and blogs that regurgitate tweets and Facebook posts (a practice that many reputable news sites now indulge in, but that’s another topic).

The number of scatological puns popping into my head proves that when all’s said and done, I’m really immature. From the vaguely innocent “Starship Enemaprise” to the really gross tie-in with “Klingons” (which I’ll just leave hanging), my puerile mind looks for every opportunity to score a cheap pun.

In a frantic effort to clean up my act (and this article), Mrs. H. suggested I look at what other celebrities have done that was out of character. Daniel Radcliffe appearing nude on stage was the first thought that crossed my mind. (I have no idea why!) Then I tried to think what Sean Connery may have done that wasn’t in keeping with his character. Unfortunately, I’m no movie buff (and no, I’m not talking about watching films while disrobed), but the nearest I could find to an out-of-character role for Sean was Agamemnon in Time Bandits. (Connery, by the way, is another lustable in the eyes(?) of my family!)

What roles could actors and actresses play that would be as out of character as Pootrick Stewart’s? Eddie Murphy as Donkey in the Shrek franchise? Move on—nothing to see here.

Going back to the Harry Potter thought process for a while, perhaps Emma Watson might be called upon to portray Amy Winehouse in a biography of that talented but apparently flawed artist. How about Madonna playing the holy mother in a new portrayal of the Nativity?

Does the concept of a movie actor becoming POTUS count as taking on an uncharacteristic gig? Or a businessman whose companies have filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy four times?

Casting the “out-of-character” net wider, Bob Dylan alienated his fans when he went electric in 1965. Rick(y) Nelson shocked his fans when he moved from rockabilly to country and country-rock. The latter was booed off stage at Madison Square in 1972; Dylan soldiered on as he was being booed at Newport.

Then there’s a rash of child actors whose degree of success didn’t follow them into adulthood. Macauley Culkin and Haley Joel Osment have both transitioned into their adult selves, but had to abandon the personae that their highly photogenic child selves enabled. Fred (Wonder Years) Savage has carved himself a new career as a director. The plight of Joey Cramer (of Flight of the Navigator fame) demonstrates perhaps the greatest fall from childhood grace, although his fame never reached the heights of Culkin and Osment in the first place.

But Sir Patty is no spring chicken, and he’s surely not at a stage in his career where he has to redefine himself.

And I’m sure his career isn’t in the toilet.

Perhaps the most obvious changes in public image are those of Mickey Mouse Club alumni Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera. And we mustn’t forget Hannah Montana, aka Miley Cyrus, whose 2013 MTV music video performance raised awareness of twerking among a much wider audience. Obvious they may be, but in many ways, these were talented but squeaky-clean artists making sure there was a career for them when their youth no longer made them special. Patrick Stewart doesn’t have that problem.

No—try as I might, I cannot think of a precedent for Sir Patrick’s new role as an anthropoomorph.

But it makes me begin to realize what photon torpedoes might have been made of.

Your Turn

Care to leave a scatological, Star Trek-themed deposit? The Comments box awaits!