(~4 minutes to read)
One of my writing inspirations is the late Alan Coren, who wrote columns for several UK national newspapers, was the editor of Punch and The Listener at various times, was a panellist on a BBC radio satirical quiz show, and wrote several books, whose titles are guaranteed to raise the eyebrows of unsuspecting bookshop browsers.
At one stage in his book-writing career, he claimed he had decided to choose titles for his books based on popular topics. Golfing for Cats was so named because books on golf and cats were popular in bookstores at the time. He then changed tack slightly; with Tissues for Men he was (he claimed) riding the crest of the wave of popularity that man-sized tissues were enjoying at the time.
I thought his logic was indisputable and his understanding of the pre-internet equivalent of Search Engine Optimization (SEO) as far ahead of his time as Gene Rodenberry was with Star Trek.
What was the pre-internet equivalent of SEO? If I understand correctly, it was making sure that your books are shelved with the most popular products or topics.
There was a flaw in Coren’s logic though—his books wouldn’t have made it to the non-fiction shelves with other golf and cat books—they would have ended up in “humour” or “satire”.
And his Tissues for Men would have been shelved in humour as well—not in the knick knack section of the bookstore along with Kleenex and Scotties. In any case, blowing your nose on the pages of his books would likely have been most unsatisfactory.
Perhaps I’m assessing his intent a little too seriously.
Notwithstanding all that, I thought that armed with 21st century technology, perhaps I could attract more readers to my site if I put Mr. Coren’s marketing ploy to work online. My plan; to write an article with a title that contains popular search terms.
My first thought was “Smartphones for Fish”, since smartphones continue to be a popular thing to own, and fish are the most numerous pets in the USA. Next, I thought I should try “Pneumonia for Dogs”, since Hillary Clinton’s health concerns are all over the internet today, and dogs are the most popular pets in the UK. For some reason though, neither title resonated with me. Perhaps it’s because I know I’m making an unashamed attempt to subvert the logic contained in search engine algorithms—a form of dishonesty that makes me feel uncomfortable.
But then I thought, to heck with it. Let’s throw in “The Carfentanil Olympics”, “Nuclear Diplomacy in post-Brexit Korea”, “Drone Flying on Mount Snowden” and “Samsung Phones Burning Like Hot Cakes” and see what Google, Bing, and Duck Duck Go make of them.
Search engines aside, the keywords contained in those last four potential titles don’t lend themselves to humorous analysis, and any attempt to do so would undoubtedly lead to cries of “foul” from all the new readers those titles would attract.
When I started this website/blog ten months ago, I toyed with the idea of calling it “Smartphones for Minnows” or “Smartphones on Vacation” for the same reason—that popular searches might help me get more traffic. But I quickly realized that popular (or “on trend”) searches come and go, and in any case I haven’t yet learned enough about SEO to know how much a carefully-chosen website name would contribute to the website’s search ranking.
Attracting attention to one’s work is tough when you lack confidence. Accepting praise for one’s work is equally tough… when you lack confidence. A recent BBC article related a story about the famous author Agatha Christie, who attempted to attend a party in 1958 to celebrate the fact that her play The Mousetrap had become the longest-running production in the history of British theatre. A doorman didn’t recognize her, and instead of letting him know exactly who she was, her lack of self-confidence made her turn around and sit outside in the lounge by herself.
Apparently, notables such as Keira Knightley, Morrissey, and the 19th Century aristocrat, the Duke of Portland all suffer or suffered crises of confidence. This, of course, is music to my ears (eyes?) because if those people can make as much of their lives as they have while fighting shyness, then there’s hope for people like me, who live a Jekyll and Hyde existence of either being struck dumb by a roomful of social animals or playing very much to the gallery on a theatre stage.
But silly me—being shy isn’t by itself a ticket to fame and fortune—I’m confusing personal attributes with cause and effect (or something like that). You have to be shy and talented and either know people or hire a good publicity agent in order to get your grubby hands on that particular golden ticket.
But then again, Agatha Christie didn’t have pre-internet Search Engine Optimization working for her.
Unless, that is, she’d discovered that mousetraps were the hot-selling item of the early 1950s.
Hmmm. I think I might be wasting my time with this article. I think I’ll write a play called “The Smartphone”—it’s bound to be a best seller!