(~4 minutes to read)
(Yes; this is fake news. But at least I admit it!)
A Redmond, Washington company has decided that St. Patrick’s Day has become too commercialized and is seeking to make the lesser-known St. Redmond’s Day the focus of the revelry.
Bob Doors, the company’s founder said, “St. Patrick’s Day has lost its faith-based origins. Nowadays it’s all about leprechauns, shamrocks, deely bobbers, derby hats, green clothing, green beer and even green rivers. Where is the recognition of St. Patrick’s accomplishment of driving all the snakes out of Ireland?”
He added that if Microsoft could hire someone like St. Patrick to drive all the bugs out of Windows, the world might be a much better place.
Doors, who changed his name from “O’Reardon” in tribute to his famous Redmond neighbour, went on to say that he believes Saint Redmond would be a much more appropriate eponym for the commercial celebration.
“Redmond is the patron saint of stout,” said Doors, “and Ireland’s traditional tipple is Guinness, perhaps the best-known stout in the world. Plus, ‘Redmond’ is an Irish version of a Germanic name and means ‘counsellor’ or ‘protector’. That’s much more politically correct than the meaning of ‘Patrick’.”
St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, and his name comes from the Latin for “nobly born”, so in this respect Doors is correct— Redmond would be more democratic and proletarian than Patrick.
But critics say that Doors is just trying to seek publicity and get his company—MaxiGlass—out of the shadow of his elephantine neighbour.
“Absolutely not,” said Doors. “Why would I worry about Microsoft? MaxiGlass makes replacement windows.”
“In any case,” he added, “we’ve already released the eleventh version of our product line.”
Doors plans to promote his ideas—and products—via social media. They include hats with a creamy Guinness head, Guinness-coloured clothing (which, contrary to popular belief, is a deep (very deep!) dark red), deely bobbers that flick Guinness froth from their antennae, and dyed lager and other lite beers.
He also wants to replace the green rivers trend. “They look so unhealthy,” said Doors. “It looks like a huge algae bloom has developed. But many rivers around the world already look like Guinness. The water is dark and mysterious-looking, and in many cases there’s a foam on the surface that resembles beer froth. And for those rivers that run clear, they can be dyed with harmless vegetable dyes—beet juice for example—and some non-toxic dish soap foam introduced.”
Doors believes that he’s on to a winner.
“Many people are embarrassed by the fact that they’re taking part in a celebration that they have no cultural or hereditary ties with. It’s like crashing a complete stranger’s birthday party. St. Redmond doesn’t have that same emotional baggage, so people can celebrate guilt-free.”
Another point that makes sense in this proposal is that it’s almost impossible to dye Guinness green.
“Ireland and Guinness are synonymous, yet it can’t be part of the green celebration,” says Doors. “St. Redmond’s day solves the problem. People can drink beverages that look like Guinness even though they can’t stand the real stuff, whereas if you dye lite beers green, it just looks like you’re drinking Mountain Dew.”
Paddy purists point to the fact that Ireland is nicknamed “The Emerald Isle”, and that therefore the colour green is entirely appropriate. Doors dismisses this argument too.
“You can nickname anywhere anything,” he says. “Many people call Canada ‘God’s country’, but there’s not even any consensus within Canada as to whose god ‘owns’ the country. A good deal of New Zealand is astonishingly green, yet Kiwis don’t refer to it as such; and of course, Greenland’s name speaks for itself. Ireland’s greenness doesn’t really set it apart, but Guinness does.”
St. Redmond’s day falls on April 1st, and this, says Doors, is another benefit.
“In some parts of the northern hemisphere, rivers can still be frozen on March 17th and dying them green becomes problematic. Many more rivers are open by April 1st, and some may be running fast, carrying silt that makes them naturally dark. Folk in those areas only need to add the foam to make their celebration complete.”
Whether or not St. Redmond’s Day takes over from St. Patrick’s Day is anybody’s guess. But Doors believes the final part of his plan is the coup de grâce for St. Paddy.
“The sad truth is that people feel compelled to sing traditional Irish songs on St. Patrick’s Day,” he says. “But the number of people who can join in without song sheets is dwindling. With St. Redmond, we’ll be freed up to do karaoke with songs by U2, Sinead O’Connor, The Boomtown Rats, Van Morrison, Thin Lizzy, Gilbert O’Sullivan, Val Doonican, The Cranberries… the list goes on! Would you prefer to sing ‘Irish Rover’ or ‘Beautiful Day’? ‘Seven Drunken Nights’ or ‘Zombie’? ‘Whiskey in the Jar’ or ‘Whiskey in the Jar’?”
Doors may well be onto something. After all, who would shed a tear at the thought of never singing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” ever again?