(~6 minutes to read)
(This piece will be make most sense if you know about the following two news stories, and take the time to read my January 2017 piece, “Returning a Long-overdue Library Book”)
News item: Eight-year old boy learns to drive on YouTube for McDonald’s joyride
News item: Boy aged 12 drives himself 1,300km across Australia
After reading these two news articles, it occurred to me that The Flying Bottle Elementary School (the establishment in South London, England, where I’d recently returned a book I’d inherited that had been borrowed 120 years previously) might be interested in them. So I phoned the school librarian, Ms. McSingh-O’Schmidt-D’Estang. She “wasn’t interested” in reading the articles, but promised me that she’d get the English teacher, Kylie Three-Buzzards-Feeding, to read them to her.
A day or two later, I was excited to receive a call with a UK-looking number, and picked up the phone.
Me: Hello.
He: All right mate? My name’s ‘Arry Redknapp.
Me: What; the former West Ham United midfielder and manager?
He: Why the eff would ‘e be callin’ you? Nah—I’m ‘Arry Redknapp the Drivers’ Ed teacher at The Flyin’ Bottle Prime-ry Skool.
Me: A driver’s Education teacher in England? At a primary or elementary school? That’s… unusual.
(We then indulged in small talk, before diving into the main agenda.)
Me: So… Harry. Am I right in assuming that the articles I told Ms. McSingh-O’Schmidt-D’Estang about have piqued your interest?
He: Wotted my interest?
Me: (Remembering my communication troubles with Ms. McS.) I assume you fought the stories abaht young kids driving motuhs were dead good, eh?
He: Too right mate. In fact, I’ve already decided we’re gonna do a project based on ‘em.
Me: Do tell.
He: Well… our year four kids need some direction. They’re usually out nicking cars by the age of nine, but they barely get an ‘undred yards dahn the road before they stack the car up a lamp post or summat.
Me: I can easily imagine that…
He: So I’ve designed an Easter ‘oliday project for ‘em, ain’t I.
Me: I’m beside myself with anticipation and curiosity.
He: They’re all gonna learn ‘ow to drive proper like by watchin’ Youtubes that week, then we’re gonna test ‘em when they get back.
Me: How are you going to test them?
He: We’re gonna give them all standard school-issue car unlocking kits, and send ‘em out on a challenge. They aff to choose a car, get in it, ‘n’ drive it as far away from where they started as possible.
Me: In south London?
He: No—effin’ Timbuktu! Of course in sahf Lundon!
Me: And how will you award marks?
He: Well, first off, the posher the car, the more marks. So a Merk would be wurf more than a Ford Fiesta, and a Rolls’d be wurf more’n a Lambo.
Me: Do you get many Lamborghinis down the Old Kent Road?
He: More than you’d fink mate!
Me: So how else will they earn marks?
He: Distance travelled. They aff to make it out of London to get a passin’ mark. Then if they make it to, say, Birmingham or Dover, they get extra marks.
Me: Anything else?
Me: They aff to make a video of themselves usin’ the drive-frew at as many McDonalds’ as possible. Y’know—like that kid an’ ‘is sister did in… (here he paused, in a superhuman attempt to pronounce an aitch) O…hhhhio.
Me: What if they run out of gas… I mean, petrol?
He: Well, they go and get more, don’ they. They get marks for doing that as well. An’ if they drive off wivout payin’, they get bonus marks.
Me: Do you think that a nine- or ten-year old kid putting petrol in a Rolls Royce might attract attention?
He: That’s why they get so many extra marks—for the risk they’re takin’!
Me: Sounds a fascinating concept. Hey—do you mind if I check in with you at the end of April to see how it went?
He: ‘Course you can mate!
We lapsed into more small talk, and then said our goodbyes.
I called the school a few days after the test was scheduled to run, and spoke to Mr. Redknapp again. After the usual pleasantries, I asked him how the project went.
He: We ‘ad a few teevin’ problems, ditn’t we.
Me: Such as…
He: Well, fer a kickoff, most of them Youtubes are for American moatahs, ain’t they. They drive on the wrong side of the road, and their moatahs don’t avv no gear stick or clutch.
Me: Aahhh… so your pupils first had to locate vehicles with automatic transmission.
He: ‘Sright.
Me: And then they had to work out how to drive on the “correct” side of the road.
He: ‘Sright. So ‘arf of ‘em ditn’t even find a veekle, did they!
But a couple of ‘em learned to drive stick-shift from their big bruvvers or their mum’s boyfriend…
Me: I hope you gave them extra marks for showing initiative…
He: Showin’ wot?
Me: Never mind. Carry on.
He: So those kids did really well. One of ‘em got all the way to the McDonalds just off the M62 sahf of Leeds. Silly sod ran out of petrol at the pick-up window though.
Me: Any other success stories?
He: Not sure. We’ve lost one pupil. We know ‘e made it across the English Channel on the ferry, and there was an alleged sighting in Ankara…
Me: Are the kids’ parents worried or upset?
He: Nah. In fact, ‘is stepdad gave him petrol money. Well, when I say “money”, I mean ‘e gave ‘im a credit card ‘e’d nicked that day.
Me: So surely, all you have to do is cancel the credit card and then he won’t be able to go any further. He’ll have to call home.
He: You jokin’? Fer a kickoff, ‘is mum would go ballistic, accusin’ us of denyin’ ‘im the chance of getting’ a really good mark. Plus, we’re all interested in ‘ow far ‘e can get.
Me: So… is the school looking upon this as a successful project and test?
He: Eff yes! The kids’ve learned so many life lessons wiv it. It’ll increase their chances of survival in the urban jungle no end.
Me: The what?
He: Never mind. Anyway—must go; the cops’ve just pulled up. I fink they might avv our missing kid in the back of the car. Nice talkin’ to ya.
And with that, he hung up.
I’ve scoured all the news outlets I can think of that might have carried the story of these pre-teen driving antics, but found nothing. Perhaps Mr. Redknapp was having me on.
But true or not, his tales of woe about US-oriented driving instruction videos made me wonder: what kind of interest might there be on YouTube for videos, narrated by a British Canadian with an appalling cockney accent, that teach you how to drive a manual transmission car in south London?
Old Kent Road, here I come!