(~4 minutes to read)

The headline looked like clickbait. “i.Con Smart Condom to monitor performance in bedrooms”. But the article really was about a Bluetooth-enabled condom—or to be more accurate, a “condom ring”.

Before continuing, let me dispel any thoughts in your mind that I enjoy reading articles like that. I do so merely as part of my ongoing search for interesting topics.

I normally post my articles on Monday mornings, but delayed this one because I needed to think long and hard about the suitability of the topic for the kind of wholesome-ish image I’m trying to cultivate on this website. But in the end, I couldn’t hold back, so, with apologies to the more sensitive among my readership, here is my reasonably tasteful commentary on the latest entry into the wearable technology market.

First, the Facts

The item being offered is a ring that fits over the base of a condom, and is reusable. It can be used with any brand of condom, and is “extremely comfortable, water resistant and lightweight”. It has a micro USB port to charge the device, and Bluetooth capability to upload the (quite comprehensive) raw data that it collects to your phone or other device. It will be available some time during 2017, and is being offered for the low, low price of £59.99 per unit.

As CNET puts it, it’s basically a Fitbit for your man bits. It collects all kinds of performance data that, if shared, would put paid to all the bar / locker room bragging that currently goes on about “performance”.

In addition to performance data collection, it can also detect the presence of chlamydia and syphilis. (If they weren’t bacterial infections, I’d be able to make a smart comment about anti-virus software being taken to extremes.)

And apparently, the ability to record “positions” used is currently in BETA testing, although it doesn’t go into any details. My fertile but naïve mind has images of gimbals and such secreted in the i.Con, but such contrivances would surely detract from the “extreme comfort” of the device.

The packaging features a picture of a stylized condom, with lines and dots representing what I suppose are meant to be connections on a circuit board, but I can’t help thinking that they also look like frustrated sperm with their tails stuck to the inner wall of the prophylactic.

The Internet of Things

While Bluetooth-enabled devices aren’t directly part of the Internet of Things (IoT), the fact that they can connect to a device that is part of the IoT means they aren’t that far removed. There is increasing concern that smart TVs are spying on us in our family rooms, or that our smart refrigerators are sending Nigerian bank scam emails out on behalf of criminals in Lithuania or wherever. So why on earth would people willingly allow such technology into the most intimate parts of their lives?

It’s not just this smart condom ring; there are Bluetooth-enabled vibrators that can be controlled by a smartphone anywhere in the world, and there’s even an app that turns your phone into a vibrator. While it takes phone sex to a whole new level… for heavens’ sakes—that phone has a camera on board!

But back to the (in my view, aptly-named) i.Con. This puppy is capable of tracking a disturbingly wide list of data elements; words such as “calories”, “frequency”, “average velocity”, “girth” and “thrusts” appear in the list.

Bear in mind that the market for this device is overwhelmingly men, and it won’t be much of a stretch to imagine how this data might be used.

Clubs, bars, and websites will host leagues, knockout competitions and so on, using data from these devices. Trophies will be awarded. Championships will be held. In time, a “Grand Slam” will be recognized—who knows, the winner might be declared “Lord of the Ring”.

At the other end of the results tables, cyber-bullying will inevitably take place.

Dating websites will start making mandatory the inclusion of such data in a person’s profile.

And human beings being what we are, cheat devices will be developed that will be able to fool the ring into recording stallion-on-speed-like results.

Heaven forbid—it might even spawn a new Olympic sport. Stranger things have happened—take beach volleyball for example.

Revenge of the Nerds

But the i.Con might be good news for hackers; geeks; nerds. It is they, if anyone, who possess the capability to hack into the smartphone apps that these devices are linked to and falsify the results. A few modified results here and there, and the reputation of many a stud could be ruined.

Enter the Lawyer

What? There’s the potential to ruin reputations? This is a job for lawyers!

And so the ambulance chasers get another lucrative line of business.

Summary

I cannot conceive of a reason why anyone would want to purchase one of these contraptions.

Not true. I suspect that some enterprising madame might require the clients of her house of pleasure to wear one, so that the data could be used to calculate the fee.

Sex is not a competition (or it shouldn’t be). Collecting data will create competition: already the device’s developers are suggesting that users can compare their statistics with users worldwide.

I’d be genuinely interested in looking at the state of the market for this device in a couple of years’ time. Who knows—it might be a huge success.

But now I have to go out to my evening job; I landed a contract as an i.Con tester.