(~8 minutes to read)

Yay – I’ve joined the flock! I signed up for my very first cellphone plan yesterday! Yes, it was April Fools’ Day, purely a coincidence, but to my mind at least, entirely appropriate.

Ever since they became ubiquitous, I’ve looked upon cellphones with disdain, much as I look upon nose rings or fingers-full of rings. No prejudice here; I merely regard them as unnecessary and a potential cause of injury. (I wear no jewellery whatsoever, partly for those very reasons.)

Unfortunately, they share another characteristic, and it’s to do with stereotypical assumptions.

A certain cross-section of people assumes that those who adorn themselves with aforementioned “jewellery” operate at an inferior level in life. Also lurking in the background may be a suspicion that such people are threatening or intimidating in some way. I don’t argue for or against this hypothesis; I merely state it as an observation.

Likewise, a certain cross-section of people assumes that drivers of broken-down cars or single-vehicle accidents have a cellphone, so they don’t stop to see if there’s anything they can do to assist. Also lurking in the background may be a suspicion that a broken-down vehicle is bait to facilitate a roadside robbery.

I’m No Spring Lamb Anymore

As my date of birth fades further in to the distant past, I realize that perhaps I need to be more aware of my personal security and wellbeing. My car’s also getting a little long in the radiator grille, and I grow increasingly concerned that one day it will demand some TLC in the middle of nowhere, and that paranoid passers-by will look at me like I’ve got nose rings and other facial piercings and not stop. Or maybe they’ll assume that I’ve got a cellphone and not stop to offer assistance.

This matter came to a head as I was planning a solo drive from Okotoks to Vancouver. There’s some pretty long stretches of mountain road on that trip, and without the security of a cellphone, a breakdown or tire blowout could mean a very long walk. Add to that the unpredictability of mountain weather, and the need to join the flock didn’t seem to be so ridiculous.

Baby Steps

But I won’t be mingling with the cool sheep in the flock. I’ll be one of the sheep on the periphery.

I’ve acquired a used iPhone 4s (the 4s was introduced five years ago) and have signed up for a pay-as-you-go plan. Using it will be more expensive than if I’d signed up for just about any other plan, but I don’t anticipate using it except for emergencies—I don’t want to become a slave to a cellphone.

We’ll see how that works out! Will I keep to my intention, or will I find that it’s convenient to make that one call that isn’t strictly necessary but will save me a few minutes? And of course, once I’ve made one call and discovered that my life has not been forever changed, what is there to stop me from making that second one, and the third one and… And before I know it, I’m racking up big bills and scrambling to sign up for unlimited calls and texts and 5GB data plans, and yes, becoming a slave to my cellphone and realizing that my life has been forever changed.

I wonder if that’s what teenagers having unprotected sex is like? They do it once and breathe a huge sigh of relief when it becomes clear there’s no baby on the way. So they promise not to succumb to temptation like that again, but they do, and maybe they get away with it again. But we know how this scenario can end. They yield to temptation one too many times and before they know it, they’re slaves to both ends of a miniature version of themselves.

Use Protection!

Although I’m no teenager and this article isn’t about unprotected sex, it amuses me to continue the analogy. There’s no contra-cellphone pill, and although prophylactics on cellphones might well prevent making unplanned phone calls, explaining to certain of my more catholic friends why my phone is wearing a condom really doesn’t appeal to me—I think it would be a little awkward for all concerned.

But I do need to be led from temptation. In view of the time-stealing potential of my “new” cellphone, I purposely went for the pay-as-you-go plan because the charges when I do use it are greater per-call or per-MB than with a “normal” plan. Being a tightwad, this will make me very conscious of the cost of use, and in theory at least, I won’t be tempted to fall into the “play with the toy” trap.

Once again, let’s see how that works out for me! Maybe I’ll write an update in six months’ time.

I’m Not a Technophobe

For the elimination of doubt (I do like that phrase!), I am not a technophobe. I’m writing this piece in my office—a tiny room that contains four computers with a KVM switch linking them to twin 24 inch monitors, a keyboard and mouse. Also in here are a USB headset, a thermal transfer DVD label printer, network switches and routers, and of course an iphone. I also own an array of professional video and audio equipment (stored elsewhere). I did the research and purchasing myself for all my computing, video and audio equipment.

I am however a telephonophobe. A very mild telephonophobe if the symptoms are to be believed, but a telephonophobe nevertheless. I’d rather not make or answer phone calls. Even picking up the phone to Mrs. H or the Hatchlings requires conscious effort. With that attitude to telephony, it’s little wonder that I’ve avoided acquiring a cellphone for so long.

Being a telephonophobe isn’t that far removed from a shepherd being an ovinophobe (if that’s the right word!) I’d love to be able to make phone calls as unconcernedly as I make coffee. But while I can still communicate face-to-face or via email, there’s little incentive for me fix the phobia.

Time Stealers

People use their phones to make calls, send texts, check email, surf the net, check calendars, take pictures, and do a bazillion other things. However, I can’t get used to the fact that people spend so much time on their phones doing these things because they can do these things on one device.

Those bazillion other things include things such as checking Facebook and Twitter feeds, checking other social networks like Linkedin, playing games, and reading numerous forums connected with their interests. These are less necessary tasks than making calls, sending and reading texts and emails and so on, yet they’re all performed on the same device.

When you use the same device for business and for pleasure, it requires conscious effort to separate the two forms of activity, and some people are sucked in to performing discretionary tasks with the same gusto as the necessary ones.

To use a personal example, I spend more time than I can afford reading news websites: I read them on the same computer that I write on. I justify the situation by thinking that the better an appreciation I have of what’s going on in the world, the better-informed I will be, which in turn will make me a more interesting, diverse writer. The result; the frittering away of time—time I can’t really spare (as well as an overestimation of my potential as a writer!).

What Did I Need the Phone For Again?

The iphone 4s will replace my iPod Touch (also fourth generation). The iPod Touch is basically an iPhone without the phone, which I use for all sorts of things, from email to a remote for the Apple TV, from a calendar to a QR Code reader, from a notepad to a timer and alarm clock, and from a web browser to a virtual BIC lighter at concerts.

As a phone, it will get used if I need to call 911 or the motoring association. If I’m on the road and I’m going to be delayed, I’ll call Mrs. H to let her know. If making a call will save me a lot of hassle or a drive or something, I might use it. I don’t intend to use it to call home to tell Mrs. H. that the cottage cheese is on special at Sobeys and does she want me to buy two or three. I don’t intend to use it to call my kids to let them know I’m ten minutes away from their place and then give them a running commentary on the rest of the drive. And I’ll never become a text demon—with thumbs the size of mine it’s just not an option.

Summary

I guess it was inevitable that I’d get a cellphone sooner or later. I wanted it to be later or never, but changing dynamics have made good samaritans an endangered species on the roads. So I’ve made the smallest commitment I can to being a cellphone owner.

There are more cell phones in the world than toilets, according to statistics published by the people behind International Toilet Day. Although our house has four toilets, until yesterday it only had one cellphone. Now that’s changed, and I’ve become part of that statistic.

How do I feel about it? B-a-a-a-a-a-d!

Your Turn

Do you know any cellphone holdouts? Were you an early- or late adopter? What tales of cellphone addiction do you have? Please share by leaving a comment.