(~4 minutes to read)
I try to theme my articles on this website around the Arts and Culture, but today’s piece might be a challenge.
How’s this?
“Have you ever seen people in a library or a study hall, fast asleep with their heads on the desk in front of them, maybe using their text books as a pillow? Have you ever thought that they might be a piece of human art, like those human statues you see in various places?”
They probably aren’t, but I need the possibility to exist, so that I can legitimately link this article to the Arts and Culture!
I was chatting recently with my son, who is part-way through his Physical Therapy Master’s degree. He’d just received a text book for one of his courses next semester. “Large and thick” was how he described it. There is a dearth of illustrations in it and the print is small—not exactly car-rental-agreement-sized—but not early-reader-sized either.
This all adds up to a coma challenge for him—how to get through twelve hundred pages of small-print information about muscular coordination or neuro-physical weakness phenomena in overweight males of Tasmanian extraction or some such riveting topic. Caffeine and similar stimulants formed the basis of the obvious solution, and then the idea hit me.
Caffeine-impregnated pages. Or more precisely, coffee-impregnated pages, since caffeine itself has quite a bitter taste.
This idea has a number of benefits.
First and foremost—you doesn’t have to make coffee, or go out to get coffee. It’s there, in the study materials. Time saved equals more study time or down time afterwards.
Second—the caffeine is right where your head’s going to land when you fall asleep and slump forwards. All you have to do is put out your tongue and lick the page, and boom! you’re up and running again. Who knows—perhaps the body can absorb caffeine through the skin on your face.
Third – think of the heavenly smell that bookstores would take on.
Next, a benefit for the makers of text books. Each page will have only a limited amount of caffeine impregnated. Also—students wouldn’t want to acquire a pre-owned textbook that’s been licked. And even if someone was trying to sell their partially-licked textbook, they’d have to find a buyer who likes their coffee the same way as them.
“For sale: ‘Elements of Organic Chemistry’, Fifth Edition. Tim Hortons’ Dark Roast Double-double flavour. Recto pages licked clean, verso pages untouched by human tongue.”
How many potential buyers would that ad attract?
These are very good reasons for students to purchase new text books. More expense for the student, but hey—think of how much money they’ll be saving on coffee!
The idea does present some challenges for publishers and booksellers though.
For example, the books would have to be shelved according to flavour. As a black-no-sugar coffee drinker, I would likely hurl a double-double across the room (or maybe just hurl), so books would definitely need to have their flavour clearly marked, just in case one got mis-shelved.
Another potential challenge is the bookstore browser—you know him (it’s usually a male)—the person who spends half an hour browsing a single book but has no intention of purchasing it. This kind of person would definitely not be above having an illicit lick or two. Needless to say, this is a potential health concern. In a similar vein, any return policy would need to include a “no lick” clause. Perhaps caffeine-impregnated books should be shrink-wrapped to prevent contamination, much like food and drink for retail sale are protected. In-store book samples would be unflavoured, but would need to be marked as such so that people don’t lick them anyway.
Yet another potential challenge is the threat that this concept poses to the relationships that have been created between bookstores and in-store coffee shops. If the books aren’t shrink-wrapped, caffeine addicts might get their hit by browsing the shelves, and the coffee shop’s sales might plummet. On the other hand, if the books are shrink-wrapped, coffee sales might skyrocket due to book readers becoming conditioned to associating coffee with books and needing to enjoy a triple mocha latte frappuccino con carne as they consider potential book purchases.
There are indeed numerous benefits and drawbacks of the idea. A SWOT analysis is definitely in order—or would be, if I was an entrepreneur. If you’re one, feel free to run with the idea; a thank you and five percent is all I’d expect.
The one facet that I haven’t considered though is the increasing tendency for people to read books on their smartphones and tablets. How would they get their caffeine fix?
I’m sure there’s an app for that.