(~2 minutes to read)
People who know me well know my opinion of golf. “A good walk spoiled” is a polite and succinct way of putting it, I suppose, although I prefer to say, “why the heck anyone would want to pay that much to dress up in those overly-tidy clothes and lug all that hardware around a totally unnatural field and torture a little white ball into 18 different gopher holes, I’ll never know.” And Robin Williams was much more candid about it. (Beware – NSFW!)
I do drive a Golf. (Unpaid endorsement – best car I’ve ever owned – you’re welcome, VW). But I don’t drive a golf ball. In my childhood and youth, I played on putting greens, and on mini-golf and crazy golf “courses”. Once, in my stupid teenage years in the UK, I paid good money to play on a “pitch and putt” course. I even nicknamed my wife’s white Corolla LS the “PUTS” (Pimped Up Toyota Sedan Saloon). But I have never played golf.
I can already hear the addicts saying, “how can you criticize something you’ve never tried?” “Easy,” I reply. “I haven’t tried cigarettes, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, murder, incest, burglary, or world domination,” (although I’m thinking seriously about that last one) “but I don’t need to in order to criticize or condemn them with little fear of contradiction.”
So having presented my (somewhat sketchy) credentials, here is how I turned down the opportunity to golf with a group of co-workers from many years ago. (As usual, names have been changed to protect…)
From: “Kelvin D. Hatch” <KDH@acme.com>
To: <undisclosed recipients>
Hi Bob et al,
Much as I am tempted and tantalized by the prospect of observing the behaviour of Acme’s brightest stars as they drink their way around a field full of unnaturally green grass, anachronistic depressions full of sand and 18 very uniformly constructed gopher holes, I would really like not to have evidence with which to think less of you than I currently do.
As well, it strikes me that the situation could offer nearly as much danger as a six month posting to one of those “fields of conflict” that various governments seem to encourage. 100mph golf balls travelling in random trajectories, 1000lb golf carts travelling in random directions (and possibly random trajectories) and golf clubs of various sizes and weights being swung in close proximity to “adult beverages” just sounds like a life-abbreviating experience!
So I will, with gratitude, decline your generous invitation.
Regards
Kelvin
Far from offending anyone, I was commended for having the balls to voice my opinion and for taking a swing at social norms. A little birdie told me that a couple of my co-workers also declined the invitation, claiming they were feeling below par. None of this put a wedge between any of us; there were no wrinkles in our relationship to iron out (not that I wood have, even if there were.)
Your Turn
What’s your opinion of golf, the people who play it, or the people who hurl brickbats at it? Leave a comment – you could win a 1000 foot high stuffed unicorn!