Garbage Collection at the Online Check-in

(~4 minutes to read)

The text above the drop-down read, “Select your purpose of travel.” There were five options; Leisure, Business, Work, Studies, and Immigration.

Really? There’s that much immigration going on that it merits its own option? More so than “Repatriating loved one’s remains” or “Arranged marriage” or “Using up soon-to-expire AirMiles™”?

Okay—so AirMiles™ backed off on the “soon-to-expire” thing (In Canada, anyway), but my point remains valid.

And what’s with the distinction between “Work” and “Business”?

Kith & Kin Visiting

The option that Mrs. H. was looking for was “Visiting kith and kin in the old country”. Maybe that falls under “Work”, whereas providing consultancy services or sealing a buyout deal counts as “Business”. Certainly (and I mean no disrespect whatsoever to our friends and relatives in aforementioned old country) “Leisure” is not an apt selection for a two-week trip that includes visiting kith and kin in three corners of most countries.

Before I dig my own grave, here’s a caveat. Given that my K&K will almost certainly read this piece, I have to tread carefully lest I wisecrack my way out of free B&B next time I visit. So if you are part of my K&K, please assume that I’m merely exaggerating for humorous effect. If you’re not, then please assume that I’m holding back out of respect for my K&K and my future travel budget.

Scattered K&K

Unless you’re a K&K hater, loather and/or despiser, those of you who live in a different country from your K&K will know that emigration (or immigration, from the receiving country’s perspective) can be harsh. Visiting with your parents/siblings/BFFs/favourite cousins is no longer something you can take for granted.

And the longer it is since you emigrated, the tougher it gets, for many reasons. I could lament the passing away of loved ones, couples divorcing, or kids growing up, but that’s not my style. (Not on this website anyway!)

No; it gets tougher because without you as the glue (because, it’s all about you, isn’t it!), your K&K gradually scatter to the four winds. It’s like they’ve thought, “Screw you, emigrants; if you can move away, so can we!” and they bugger off to the Orkneys or Guernsey or somewhere.

But they still expect you to visit them!

Meanwhile, back at that “Select your purpose of travel” drop-down. The case for offering “Visiting kith and kin” as an option is watertight, I think.

What else?

Relying on the Honour System

Perhaps airport security could be less stringent if one of the drop-down options was “Tyranny-related”. Of course, this would require everyone to provide honest answers, otherwise it would be about as effective as assuming that the terrorists are the passengers who book one-way-only tickets.

Consumerism and Monopoly Money

What about a “Shopping” option? After all, many people travel to take advantage of lower prices in another country. And for most of us (well, males, anyway) shopping doesn’t fall into “Leisure” or “Business” or “Work”. If there was a “Sado-masochism” option, it might conceivably encompass shopping.

Do You Have any Mexican in You? Would You Like Some?

And then there are those who travel in order to obtain affordable medical treatment, for whom a “Body repair” option might be useful. Whether it’s major dental work, or organ surgery, there are bargains to be had, I’m told. But would you have to pay import duty on your pacemaker or dental implants? And would the Border Control agents try to confiscate them if you refused to pay?

Options for the Big Guys

For the movers and shakers, what would they select if they were travelling to negotiate an international trade deal? Does that count as business?

Which option would Neville Chamberlain have selected for his 1938 “Peace for our time” trip to Munich? Now there’s a loaded question! But (paraphrasing the Piranha Brothers sketch as it appears on Another Monty Python Record), the humorous impact of this piece will be somewhat dissipated by the prolongation of this train of thought, so we’ll move on.

Buzz Aldrin’s travel expense claim for his 1969 moon landing is reasonably well-known.  The Apollo 11 crew members also had to fill in a customs declaration for the moon rock that they brought back. What hasn’t been divulged though is what their “Purpose of Travel” was. This prompts the need for a couple more additional options in the drop-down: “Classified” and “Exploration”.

I realize that some of these suggested options might not be used very frequently, but if Immigration qualifies for inclusion, why not these?

Other: Please Describe

Perhaps the problem could be solved with an “other; please describe” option. Next time I travel, I’d make use of that, and describe my purpose somewhat wordily, but truthfully, as follows. “To experience sitting between a person whose seating requirement exceeds the space allotted and a person who doesn’t even know how to spell “highjean”; with an infant with lungs the size of an opera tenor’s sitting in front of me; and with a seven-year-old boy practising his kickboxing moves on my seat back. All of this so I can appreciate my kith and kin all the more when I arrive at my destination.”

Analyze that, Mr./Ms. government statistician!