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It’s one of a kind folks! A genuine, live, Australian fur seal gracing the hood of your car!

That’s what the owner of a Toyota sedan discovered on Boxing Day, according to this article. The Toyota in question was parked in Newstead, a suburb of Launceston, Tasmania, and according to the local police, the seal had made its way along nearby river systems before taking a floppity-flop around the streets.

Official explanations sometimes smell fishy, so I have a number of other theories as to how the seal came to be in Newstead, all of which have the odour of a tuna canning factory lingering over them. I offer them nevertheless.

Theory 1    Santa’s Sleigh

Given the timing of the story’s appearance, this theory has a lot to commend it.

You know Splasher and Flipper, Dipper and Bosun,
Bomb-it and Stupid, Goner and Gruesome
But do you recall the most famous fur seal of all?
Ferdie the black-nosed fur seal, has a very waterproof nose,… (etc.)

As we are told in the song Six White Boomers, Rudolph and Olive the other reindeer can’t stand the terrible heat of the Australian sun, and legend has it that Santa’s taken around by six big, white, old man kangaroos.

Thing is, I struggle with that legend. For one thing, Santa would have to avoid any female kangaroos in estrus because the boomers would start competing for mating privileges, and “Sorry kids; you didn’t get yer prezzies because Santa’s kangaroos were fighting over shagging rights” isn’t an excuse that children need to hear.

I guess it’s vaguely possible though that being “old man” kangaroos, they might have grown out of all the harem collecting nonsense, so fortunately I have two more arguments.

Secondly (or is it firstly?), given the gait of the overwhelming majority of kangaroos, there would need to be some pretty clever suspension on that sleigh if the packages are to remain on board and Santa isn’t going to (and here I resort to the Australian vernacular for the sake of authenticity) chunder all over them.

Thirdly, kangaroos aren’t used to the kind of quantities of water that oceans tend to come in, and they don’t come any bigger than the Pacific. How would Santa persuade them to fly (or is it leap) from Australia to New Zealand to Tasmania to the numerous other islands in that part of the world?

So my theory is that Santa uses seals, not kangaroos, and that the suburban seal is one of Santa’s. Here’s why.

• Seals are much better suited to water; most Australians live round the edges of that vast island (i.e. near enough to the ocean for seals not to get too stressed).
• Seals are swift and graceful swimmers; air is a fluid, as is seawater, so Santa and the presents would get a smooth ride—much smoother than even reindeer could provide.
• Seals can stay underwater for up to an hour; they’ve been known to descend to depths of as much as 4,100 metres. With talents like that, pulling a flying sleigh must be a piece of cake.
• Seals eat fish. Since much of Santa’s Australian run is over or near ocean, it makes sense to use animals that can forage regularly. There’s not much grass growing on the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
• “Seal” starts with an “s”. “Santa” starts with an “s”. The world loves alliteration. What more compelling justification for this theory do you need?

Theory 2    Not What It Seems on the Surface

In Launceston, Tasmania, where the seal was spotted (no it wasn’t a spotted seal, it was an Australian fur seal; pay attention!) there is a business called “Quickseal Asphalt”.

My second theory is that Lou-seal (the name given to the animal by the Tasmanian Police) is actually that company’s mascot, and that Lou-seal was out inspecting some of the work that had been completed by its benefactors.

It’s possible that Lou wanted to get more of a bird’s-eye view of the work, and thought that the roof of a Toyota sedan (saloon) was the place to get it from. The hood (bonnet) provided a convenient step-up.

Theory 3    Badass Fur Seals

Tasmania has the lowest crime rates in the whole of Australia. It’s my sincere belief that this is due in part to the fact that Hobart has its own homegrown answer to ninja turtles—Tasman Amphib Badass Furseals.

In a quest to test this theory I took to the so-called “Dark Net” and discovered that yes, such a vigilante group does exist, and I wasn’t far off with the name; “furseal” should have been two separate words.

The leaders of this group take their names from Australian singers: there’s Dannii (short for Danniitello), Rolf, Kylie, and Slim. (Apparently, Slim chose his namesake’s name because he thought it was funny for a seal to be called “Slim”. I guess it’s a case of “you had to be there”.)

This group of seals—the TABF—apparently take time off around Christmas. They discard the bandanas (which frankly are a pain in the butt due to the lack of ears to hold them in place), stow their weapons (mostly fish) under lock and key, and head for the ‘burbs.

Further research revealed that there’s a family of seals that live in Newstead, the suburb where the seal was found. Coincidence? I think not!

Theory 4    Fake Fur

With the plethora of fake news items doing the rounds these days (and let’s face it, even one fake news item is a plethora), I wonder if this seal story is one such item. Christmas is a slack news period, so the scenario screams out poor puns left right and centre.

Animal welfare people no doubt sealed off the area after getting the seal of approval from the police. Something must have seemed fishy when they received the report. They sent in the Navy Seals to rescue the animal. The Mayor of Launceston was considering making it the official seal to legitimize municipal documents. Animal rights people were urging people not to break the seal. The car that the seal climbed on might have suffered a broken seal if it had slid off again.

I’m sure that’s the tip of the punberg, but my word count has maxed out, so I’ll seal this article with a kiss and post it.

Your Turn

Do you have a theory as to why a seal should show up in a leafy Tasmanian suburb? Share by leaving a comment.