(~4 minutes to read)

Decaffeinated

Bless me, Tim Hortons, for I have sinned. It has been eleven days since my last coffee.

What has been the cause of this, my guest?

I have been sick, TH.

But surely a loved one could have helped you partake of the holey sacrament—coffee and a doughnut ring?

My wife did offer on numerous occasions, but… I declined.

It’s good to know that your wife at least is devout and that she cares for you. But you were tempted, and you strayed from the path of true caffeination. Do you know why you declined her offers?

Yes, I do, oh TH. While I’ve been sick, I’ve had many drugs coursing through my body. They have disrupted my sleep patterns. I have been shaky. I have been thirsty. I thought that coffee would complicate the issue.

Were you also suffering from headaches?

Oh yes, TH. How did you know?

The gods see everything, my guest. And they share. They share.

What is my penance, TH?

I believe that your time in the wilderness is penance enough. The headaches may have been caused by your lack of devotion, and the drop in your energy levels may also have been caused by your abstinence.

You will say three doughnut menus, four coffee menus, and make a solemn vow to perform your daily devotion at the coffeemaker.

Thank you, TH.

Go in peace, my guest.

The above took me about an hour to draft. During that entire time, my first coffee in eleven days has been sitting on my desk, untouched.

There will now be a short pause while I take my first sip.

Oh my goodness—it’s disgusting! It’s so bitter!

(Takes second sip.)

OK, maybe not.

Welcome back, my guest.

Detox Needed?

Speaking of addictions: let’s talk about social bloody media.

Another confession: I check in on Facebook several times a day. I comment little. I post even less. Yet, I feel compelled to see who’s saying what.

I know I have an addictive nature. That’s why I’ve never smoked, done recreational drugs, or gambled (beyond the penny slot machines when I was a kid). Nothing to do with religion or being a goody two shoes. It’s just easier not to start than to stop.

But I’m struggling with social media. I know it will be my best chance of marketing my writing (if I ever get to that stage!) so I can’t delete my accounts. And social media is such a transient communications tool that a person stands a very good chance of missing something that—gasp—usefully informs or entertains.

But the power of social media was demonstrated to me at first hand today. I’d done a friend a favour—it took me a couple of hours—and he was thoughtful enough to thank me on FB to his 1100-plus friends. As of this moment, eighty of those friends have seen the post and reacted to it.

Which means that there are complete strangers (to me) out there who have been made aware of the favour. Me being me, my first reaction was, “it’s not right that my good turn/deed should be shouted from the rooftops”, but then I’m apparently the world’s worst self-promoter.

Sidebar… I did a self-promotion workshop twelve years ago, and the first exercise was a self-evaluation quiz. A person had to respond “Yes” to nine or more statements out of twenty-four in order to be pronounced a lousy self-promoter.

I quote from the analysis portion of the quiz: “Do you glow in the dark? Your attitudes about prospecting suggest that you must be finding any kind of reaching out to people to be extremely difficult, seriously limiting the amount of self-promoting you do.”

I scored nineteen.

So… do I need a social media detox? Or is there a lesson here for me? If so, what the heck is it?!?

Secret British Code Exposed

Speaking of lessons (he says, writing what might be the world’s clumsiest segue ever…)

The BBC has been “giving lessons” to Americans about how to interpret Brit-speak—that irritating habit that Brits have of understating things in what is apparently regarded as a passive-aggressive, sarcastic manner.

Way to go BBC—spoiling the Brits’ fun with their/our American cousins!

They ran a report about a survey that verified the disparity between British and American interpretations of certain phrases. The list of phrases has been doing the rounds for several years, but YouGov (an online market research company) has put the list into the news and given credibility to the disparity claims.

I found the list to be not bad, but I was a bit disappointed that “you’re a natural” wasn’t included. I’m sure it’s my fault that I’m disappointed, but I would suggest that the list compiler include the omission in a future revision. When I suggested to Mrs. H. that I write this piece, she said, “that’s a very brave proposal, and it’s quite good, but with greatest of respect, could we consider some other options. I only have a few other comments…” At that point I said, “I hear what you say, and I almost agree. Your opinion is very interesting, and I’ll bear it in mind.”

Oh, by the way, this paragraph and the previous one contain all the phrases identified. If you’re interested in helping Mrs. H. and I continue our discussion, you should come to dinner.

Any Americans out there? How did you read that last section?