(~5 minutes to read)
News report: Camels banned from Saudi beauty contest over Botox
The scene: an oasis in the desert, somewhere in the Middle East. At its edge, a group of lady dromedaries (camels with one hump) are grazing the scant vegetation. As they do so, a pair of Bactrian camels (two-humped camels)—tourists from Afghanistan—arrive at the oasis, stride over to the water’s edge and start imbibing.
| Sadie | (Observing the newly-arrived Bactrians) Bloody tourists! Do they think water grows on trees? |
| Cindy | I wouldn’t be surprised. Look at them with their Ray-Bann eyelids and perfectly coiffured neck. More money than sense, if you ask me. |
| Sadie | And her humps—they can’t be her own. I bet she’s had them “enhanced”, or my name’s not Camilla. |
| Cindy | Your name isn’t Camilla, Sadie. See Camilla over there—her name is Camilla. |
| Sadie | I was being humorous, ya crazy ‘ol camel you. Anyway—minimum of 25% silicone, I’d say. There’s no way her humps could look that firm and perky after a ten-day trek across the desert. |
| Cindy | Oooooh… I don’t know. Those Bactrians can go for decades without water if they have to. |
| Sadie | Don’t be ridiculous! |
| Camilla | (strolling over to Cindy & Sadie) They’re not her own, are they? I’d give my right toe to have my hump looking that good! |
| Cindy | If she’s had implants, how could she store enough fat in those humps to survive the trip? |
| Sadie | Dunno. Maybe they’ve invented an alternative to silicone that can store fat. |
| Camilla | One thing’s for certain. She’s had work done on those lips. And her eyes. Looks like she’s the prototype for “Camel Barbie”. |
| Cindy | You’re not jealous, are you? |
| Camilla | Not at all! Why do you ask? |
| Cindy | Well everyone knows you got a nose job last time you were up in Riyadh. |
| Camilla | That’s not true! I walked into a light pole in the dark! |
| Sadie | Are you listening to yourself? A light pole? In the dark? |
| Camilla | Uhm… the light wasn’t working? |
| Cindy | More likely the freezing hadn’t worn off on your eyelids dearie! |
| Tawny | (strolling over to see what the kerfuffle’s about) Are you girls jealous of Camilla’s natural good looks? |
| Sadie | I’m not jealous of anything, Tawny. Judging by the attention I get from those French foreign legionnaires, I’ve got nothing to worry about in the looks department. |
| Tawny | Legionnaires schmeejionnaires! What about the guy camels? I don’t see them flocking around you! |
| Sadie | What? You mean Humpy, Bumpy, Lumpy and Stumpy over there? When they start giving me presents, I’ll start worrying about them. Until then, I’ll dream of my dreamboat in Baghdad and flirt with the legionnaires. |
| Cindy | Y’know what, Sadie? You’ve got no class! Those legionnaires only want you for your shade! They’re using you! They can’t withstand the heat like we can, so they tempt you into sitting down, as if you were to… you know… thing…, and then they sit in the shade of your hump. |
| Sadie | It’s not true! They say nice things about me. The appreciate me having such a large hump! |
| Cindy | Bigger hump… more shade… hallo-o-o-o-o? |
| Camilla | Are you actually blushing there, Sadie? |
| Cindy | Nah—she had her cheeks surgically coloured to look more healthy. Mind you, it also covers up when she does blush! |
| Sadie | Oooohhh! I told you that in confidence! You couldn’t keep a secret if it was stuck up your nose in a sandstorm! I should’ve known better! |
| Tawny | It’s okay Sadie. We all guessed. When you came back you looked like you’d run the whole way from Riyadh, but it hadn’t faded by the next day. Ipso fatso, you got yourself blushed. |
| Camilla | How come I didn’t know? |
| Tawny | It was the same trip that you got your nose job, remember? |
| Sadie | Anyway, she says, changing the subject, d’you think we should go and talk to those Bactrian camels about how much water they’re drinking? |
| General agreement. Sadie, Tawny, Camilla and Cindy mosey on over to where Alice and Arnold are filling up. | |
| Sadie | Hi, guys! Welcome to the oasis. Are you sticking around for long? |
| Arnold | Just long enough to load up on water and maybe find a bit to eat. |
| Camilla | We couldn’t help noticing that the water level in the oasis has gone down since you got here. You’re not filling up both of your humps, are you? |
| Alice | We were hoping to. |
| Camilla | The thing is, you’ve got two humps each, and they’re… you’re… you’re generously blessed in the hump department, both of you. |
| Arnold | Sounds like a bit of hump envy to me, eh Al? |
| Alice | Could be, babe. |
| Cindy | Look here, silicone valley, we couldn’t give a scorpion’s scrotum about the number or size of your humps. What we care about is having enough water here to assist other visitors after you’ve gone. |
| Alice | You’re a bit too lippy for your own good, you dromedary dork. |
| Cindy | Look who’s calling the kettle black! You look like you’ve had a helium tank attached to your lips. That’s one ugly Botox job girl! |
| Arnold | You watch what you’re saying about my Alice! |
| Cindy | Alice? Alice! Who the… (Link to the video that explains this line… NSFW) |
| Camilla | Language, Cind. |
| Cindy | I know a song about a camel called Alice. |
| Alice | Oh, not you too? I’m so fed up with that song! “Alice the camel has ten humps, Alice the camel has ten humps…” |
| Camilla | Yeah, but it’s really funny on the last verse, cuz, Alice is a horse! |
| Alice | Oh ha ha, bloody ha! |
| Arnold | Is this how you treat visitors to your country? |
| Sadie | No. We normally send them up to the Foreign Legion fort, don’t we, Cind? |
| Arnold | ??? |
| Sadie | Private joke. |
| Tawny | You know there’s no fluoride in that water… |
| Arnold | What? No fluoride! |
| Tawny | Yeah. And you know what? Cindy here weed in it this morning. |
| Cindy | So did Camilla. |
| Tawny | An’ you know what wee does to silicone implants… |
| Alice | What? |
| Tawny | If I told you that you’ll look even more like a horse… |
| Alice | My lovely twin peaks! Will they wilt? (Tawny nods her head) That’s it Arnie – we’re out of here! |
| Sadie | Nice to have met you guys. Safe journey. |
| Camilla | (As Arnold and Alice rapidly disappear) May you never sleep downwind of your human. |
| Sadie et al | Suckers! |