(~3 minutes to read)
I recently spotted a “funny” doing the rounds (unfortunately without attribution, so I can’t give credit…) Here it is.
(Food falls on the floor)
Germs Suppertime! Let’s go guys!
King Germ No! We must wait five seconds. It is the rule.
But what happened next? This can now be revealed.
| Germ 1 | Rule? Or guideline? |
| King | Rule. |
| Germ 2 | With the greatest of respect, your majesty, where is this rule written down? |
| King | I know not the answer to your question. Underlings—where is this rule codified? |
| Underling 1 | Unfortunately, its origins are lost in the mists of history. For countless hundreds of generations, it has been so. |
| Underling 2 | I remember my predecessor telling me about a germ that came down a mountain with scrolls containing a set of Policies and Procedures. Perhaps it was in there somewhere. |
| There is the sound of a “POP!” as germs’ cells divide. | |
| King A | Can someone get me up to speed on business? |
| Underling 1 | We were just discussing… |
| We hear another “POP!” as cells divide. | |
| Underling 1A | …the origin of the “five second rule”. |
| Germ 1A | Yes. We’re wondering why we have to wait a significant percentage of our lives before we’re allowed to make a move on food that falls on the floor. |
| Germ 2A | It’s a miracle we split as often and as reliably as we do, given how much of our lives we spend waiting for the five seconds to pass. |
| We hear another “POP!”. | |
| King A(i) | Can someone get me up to speed on business? |
| Underling 1A | Oh this is impossible! How can we conduct royal business when we keep on dividing into two? I mean, we commoners seem to be able to retain memories each time we split, but these royal germs seem to start from scratch every time they divide. |
| Germ 2A | What do we need a King for anyway? |
| We hear another “POP!”. | |
| Germ 2A(i) | It’s not like we live long enough to be organized into armies or to be punished for some crime or other… |
| Germ 1A(i) | Or to be knighted or have some other title conferred up on us… |
| Germ 2A(i) | Yeah… So what is the point? |
| Underling 1A(i) | It’s more to do with prestige. The pomp and ceremony. You know; the orderly processions to pieces of dropped food, and so on. |
| We hear another “POP!”. | |
| Underling 2A(i) | Think of how chaotic it’d be if we had no figurehead leader. |
| Underling 1A(i)(a) | Yeah. How would we make sure that we infected the entire piece of food? |
| Underling 2A(i) | Precisely. If we left any piece of it uninfected, then the humans might not get sick, and they’d lose their fear of us. |
| King A(i)(a) | I get the impression you didn’t bring my predecessor up to speed on business… |
| Underling 1A(i)(a) | An oversight your majesty, which we all regret. |
| Underling 2A(i) | (nudging Underling 1’s descendant) I believe your majesty is mistaken, as is my learned colleague here. We did… |
| We hear another “POP!”. | |
| Underling 2A(i)(a) | …brief your predecessor King Gerald MMMLVIII on all pertinent matters. Presumably, he saw fit to judge those matters as irrelevant to his successors. |
| Germ 2A(i)(a)(1) | Why is it always the first of each set of twins that gets to speak after they split? |
| Underling 2A(i)(a) | Because it is the rule! |
| Germ 2A(i)(a)(1) | Like the five second rule, you mean? |
| Underling 2A(i)(a) | Precisely! Although… a thought has just occurred to me… |
| We hear another “POP!”. | |
| Underling 2A(i)(a)(1) | How does the King remember the five second rule when he divides? |
| Underling 1A(i)(a) | Must be what makes royalty special… the ability to remember the five second rule no matter how many divisions they go through. |
| Underling 2A(i)(a)(1) | Ahhh! The enlightenment of royalty! They know how to divide and rule! |
| And as the underling finished delivering the only joke known to the germ species, the smell of chlorine invaded their nostrils, genocide (and germicide) ensued, and their empire fell. |