(~3 minutes to read)

(Note: My comments below on various comestibles and gadgets are only my opinion. You may think, believe or opine otherwise, and I respect that!)

What is it with sliced bread? Why was it chosen to be the gold standard for new things?

I’ll admit it’s convenient. But convenience is about the only thing that Kraft Singles and KD have going for them too, and other than the (unnatural) colour, there’s nothing golden about them.

Is it that the art of cutting a slice of bread has been lost along with goffering clothes, washing dishes by hand and making a decent pot of tea? Was the advent of the slot toaster the death knell for the unsliced loaf? Are there too many people who can’t be trusted with sharp knives these days?

But just for a moment, let’s assume that sliced bread deserves its place at the top of the pile of life-changing inventions. We’re now faced with a couple of questions.

Before Sliced Bread

What was the best thing before sliced bread? You know—when sliced bread was invented, someone must have said, “wow—that’s the best thing since…”: my question is, what does that ellipsis represent?

Five minutes of research led to “wrapped bread”, which was, to be honest, a bit of a disappointment. This supposition is based on the belief that the phrase “best thing since sliced bread” came about after sliced bread was introduced with the sales pitch, “The greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped.”

But given that it was “Wonder Bread”— lifeless, cotton-wool-textured, pure-white, cloned pseudo-bread—that helped sliced bread become popular, it could well be that “best thing since sliced bread” is a slightly tongue-in-cheek—dare I say sarcastic—compliment. After all, Wonder Bread isn’t exactly packed with “ancient grains” or “whole wheat” or any of that good-for-you stuff. No, it was so anaemic that manufacturers had to add vitamin supplements to the dough to restore food value. It was either that, or they would have created a market for ABC sandwiches along the lines of BLT sandwiches, except that the A, B and C would have been vitamin tablets.

Isn’t There Something Better Now?

Given that the phrase “best thing since sliced bread” has been used so many times since the 1930s, there must be something out there that’s actually better than sliced bread and should therefore be used as the new gold standard. What could it be?

Velcro™, perhaps? That wonderful hook-and-loop invention is indeed a “wonder”. But would the phrase, “best thing since Velcro” usurp the sliced bread version? Would the trademark owners insist on a fee every time it was used? Let’s face it, “the best thing since hook-and-loop fasteners” really isn’t going to catch on, is it. (Oops—no pun intended.)

What about the smartphone? After all, they’re ubiquitous and addictive, and vast numbers of people define dystopia as life without Snapchat/Facebook/Twitter on their phone.

“The best thing since the smartphone.” Hmmm. Doesn’t have a ring to it. (Oops – no pun intended.) And given the addictive, time-stealing, interruptive nature of smartphones, it really feels to me like more of a fool’s gold standard than the real thing. By my measurement criteria, just about every invention since the mid-1990s could qualify for “best thing since the smartphone” accolade, including the Bluetooth toaster  (which relies for its usefulness on the availability of sliced bread and a smartphone) to the “Peter Petrie Egg Separator” which to be honest, strikes me as just plain tacky!

Returning to an earlier thought, I wonder if we really need to think of something that is genuinely better than sliced bread that could be incorporated in a “best thing since” 2.0 phrase. If it’s meant as a tongue-in-cheek compliment, then perhaps the smartphone is the natural choice. After all, I think it might be a while before we saddle ourselves with another invention that has the same potential to spread the Big Brother societal norm.

And smartphones have another couple of factors in their favour: they’re a similar shape to sliced bread, and probably about as nutritious as snow-white cotton wool bread.

So, dear reader, I charge you with a mission—to spread the phrase “best thing since smartphones” far and wide. And if I don’t see the phrase move into everyday use by Thursday lunchtime, I’ll likely stick my phone in the toaster and eat it with some blueberry jam.