Finding the Right Spot

(~4 minutes to read)

Do you like to go in front first or back first? Or do you prefer to pull through?

In case there’s any confusion, let me clear things up. We’re talking about parking. And the conversation is important, as are my opening questions, because society needs to know why a driver makes the parking choice that he or she does. In fact, I don’t think it would be overstating the phenomenon if I said that the future of civilization depends upon the discovery of a satisfactory explanation.

Several factors may be at play.

• Gender (of the driver, not the vehicle)
• Size of the vehicle, and in particular, height and degree to which it’s been modified.
• Driving competence
• Degree to which the vehicle is a substitute for the male driver’s… ahem… gender-specific anatomy.
• Religious beliefs and affiliations
• Political leanings

For example, what parking habit would you expect to see if a self-centred, Trump-voting (but I repeat myself) male were to enter a parking lot driving a jacked-up black pickup truck with skulls and crossbones everywhere, “prairie oysters” hanging from the trailer hitch, wheel nuts that look like they came off a Roman war chariot, and the name of his wife (and cousin) emblazoned across the top of the windshield?

If you answered, “he’d park across as many bays as he can cuz he doesn’t give a rat’s”, you’d win the prize for guessing correctly, although you’d then have it confiscated for judging people’s personalities by their appearances and accessory choices—we just don’t do that anymore, do we!

If you drive a small vehicle in a country or region where large vehicles are the norm, you’ll understand the challenges of parking lots. I drive a VW Golf in a region where a large percentage of vehicles are pickup trucks, minivans, SUVs, or crossovers. The hoods of some of these beasts are higher than the roof of my car—I sometimes think I should install a periscope so I can see over the vehicles to pull out of a parking spot.

Fortunately, I like walking, so I park a little way away from the store entrances, where there’s usually a choice of spots. I choose a pull-through if I can, and hope that a pickup truck with a centre of gravity that’s higher than my periscope doesn’t park next to me. (Chances of that happening are slim for reasons that political correctness prevents me from verbalizing.) If there’s no pull-through, then I’ll back into a spot. I find that driving out is easier than backing out; other drivers will stop for you when you’re staring them in the face rather than peering at them over your shoulder.

If I drove a low-slung European sports convertible, I probably wouldn’t park it in a north American parking lot at all. Knowing my luck, a pickup truck that’s so jacked up you need a ladder to get in and out would park on my car.

Liberal voters’ parking priorities tend to be concerned more with centrality than orientation—they want to make sure they don’t offend people by parking more than a millimetre off-centre of the parking spot, in case they make it difficult for the owner of the car next to them to open her door.

Right-wing voters, by contrast, complain about “big government making unnecessary laws about where I can and cannot park”, and park in the fire lane.

Green party voters put their bicycles in the rack provided.

Over-zealous adherents of any religious persuasion will trust that they will be guided to the perfect parking spot, while atheists’ parking habits are those they learned from their parents.

Confident drivers will make their choice based on other factors, while those who need a double garage for their Smart Car will tend to ask a passer-by to park for them.

Gender is a factor in parking preferences, but the situation has been complicated by the acknowledgement of non-binary genders, so further study is needed.

And there you have it. The low-down skinny on parking preferences.

I did make one omission. I have yet to identify the attributes of the significant number of people who can’t or won’t park within the confines of a single spot. What do they have in common? Are they manspreaders? Are they “those people” that overflow into your seat in an airplane? Do they sit on the fence politically; religiously; sexually? Or are they just thoughtless prats?

One thing’s certain. The whole question of parking is a first-world issue. After all, we have stores with stuff in them, parking lots outside them, and vehicles to drive to them in.

And the day isn’t too far off when every car will be able to park itself. And then we’ll have one fewer reason to throw a hissy fit behind the wheel.

So next time you’re struggling in a parking lot, remember—if it was a hundred years ago, you’d have to worry about the horse next to your car eating your upholstery.