(~2 minutes to read)
Ever thought that being a princess was a walk in the park? A piece of cake? A cakewalk? (What is it about cakes and walking?)
I decided to analyze the attributes of princesses and come up with a job advert. Princessing is no cake in the park, I tell ya!
Job Opportunity—Princess
Datfoot* Services, a company that specializes in royal family reconstruction is currently seeking a Princess to complete a dynasty in a land far away.
Our clients, the heads of the dynasty, wish for their new daughter to possess all the attributes of famous and much-loved princesses, such as Ariel, Aurora, Snow White, Belle, Jasmine and Merida.
Please note that we seek applications from genuine princesses only. Being a princess by marriage will not suffice, as although we cannot discriminate against married princesses, we likewise cannot be seen to condone and encourage bigamy.
Key Responsibilities
The successful candidate will be responsible for
- Being the (non-poisonous) apple of her new parents’ eyes.
- Being the perfect prospective wife for princes of other realms.
- Cooking and cleaning for seven grown men (grown in the sense of age, not height).
- Eating poison apples when required.
- Staying alive (with help when appropriate).
- Kissing frogs, beasts and other creatures.
- Living happily ever after.
Skills and Key Attributes
The successful candidate will be the one who possess the largest number of skills and attributes in the following list.
- Comfortable alone in dark, creepy forests.
- Comfortable enough that when meeting strange men in forests you dance with them.
- Comfortable with heights and with flying in aircraft that don’t meet modern flight safety standards (e.g., carpets)
- Free-spirited—comfortable giving parents (or step-parents) a hard time.
- Enchanting singing voice.
- Happy to live alone in a castle with a beastly male for a while.
- Amphibious.
- Feminine …attributes… capable of being contained in two seashells
- Comfortable with participating in an arranged marriage (unless you are of Arabian or Scottish extraction in which case you must be pathologically opposed to arranged marriage.)
- Keen to discover whole new worlds.
- Comfortable talking to anthropomorphized clocks, teapots, cups, candelabra, etc.
- Accomplished seamstress—tapestries a specialty.
- Comfortable dealing with witches, both good and bad.
- Naïve—happy to accept apples as gifts from old crones, to believe wicked step-parents, etc.
- Excellent improvisational singing ability—must be able to duet at the drop of a hat.
- Fluent in fish, crab, seagull, monkey, or any other animal with whom socializing is required.
- Comfortable believing that phantoms, such as will o’-the wisps (or should that be “wills o’-the wisp?) can lead you to your destiny. (See also “naïve” above.)
- Must look beautiful when lying comatose on beds, rocks, etc.
- Accomplished master toxophilite (that’s “archer” in colloquial English).
- Comfortable hanging with commoners, to the point of considering them as a husband and future father of children.
Datfoot Services thanks all applicants for their interest; however, please note that we will not contact you unless you are (a) a princess and (b) considered for the position by our clients.
* Datfoot—not to be confused with DisKnee.
Feel free to apply by leaving a comment.
Heck–leave a comment anyway!