(~4 minutes to read)
News item: ‘Emotional support peacock’ barred from United Airlines plane
Apparently, airlines around the world are beginning to suspect that people are abusing the airlines’ willingness to allow therapy animals to accompany anxious passengers. Peacocks and pigs are only two examples of therapy animals that might prompt a person to question the authenticity of passengers’ anxiety.
The following is an imagined conversation at the check-in desk of an airport.
| Check-in | There are two tickets here, sir. Where’s the other passenger? |
| Passenger | (Laughing gently) Eyesight issue, eh? There’s a baby elephant standing beside me. |
| Check-in | I can see the elephant perfectly well, sir. It’s the other passenger I don’t see. |
| Passenger | Christian is the other passenger. |
| Check-in | Christian, sir? |
| Passenger | Christian, the elephant. I called him that because he’s fifty shades of grey. |
| Check-in | Very creative sir. So, you purchased a ticket for… Christian…? |
| Passenger | Yes, that’s right. |
| Check-in | Do you always take a baby elephant with you on airplanes? |
| Passenger | I take Christian everywhere. He’s my therapy elephant. But this is his first time on a plane. |
| Check-in | Uh-huh. |
| Passenger | He’s so affectionate, and when he senses that I’m feeling anxious, he cuddles me with his trunk. |
| Check-in | And let me guess—you’re an anxious flyer. |
| Passenger | You got it! |
| Check-in | Have you thought about Christian’s size, in relation to the airplane’s facilities, sir? |
| Passenger | I have, but this flight is a jumbo-jet, right? |
| Check-in | Yes, it is, but… never mind. Is it… he… house-trained? |
| Passenger | Hello… it’s an airplane… |
| Check-in | Have it your way… is Christian plane-trained? |
| Passenger | No. But that’s why I booked tickets in business class. |
| Check-in | Very good sir, very good. You seem to have all the puns covered here. Look—the thing is, Christian here is a little on the large side to fit into even a business class seat… |
| Passenger | Has the airline been shrinking the seat sizes in business class again? |
| Check-in | Not that I’m aware of sir. But they’re designed for humans. And he definitely won’t fit in the washroom. |
| Passenger | Remember I said he’s not plane-trained? |
| Check-in | Look sir… it really isn’t practical to take an elephant into the cabin of an airplane—not even a jumbo jet. If he as an “accident”, someone will have to clean up the mess, and I’m not sure our flight attendants are trained for that sort of thing. |
| Passenger | That’s fine. I’ll deal with it. |
| Check-in | You are aware that he’ll have to go through the metal detector, which might be too narrow for him |
| Passenger | Well if he doesn’t fit, perhaps security can give him a pat-down and check him with their magic wand. |
| Check-in | Our equipment hasn’t been tested on elephants, sir. And we have to be sure that he’s not a suicide elephant. I mean, his trunk might be packed full of explosives! |
| Passenger | You cannot be serious! Do you honestly think I’d try to smuggle explosives on board an airplane? |
| Check-in | You never can tell, sir. We had a lady try to get her emotional support beehive on board last week. The bees were buzzing everywhere, but she said they were a non-stinging species. She lied though. And when security finally managed to open the hive, they found fifty pounds of semtex in among the honeycombs. |
| Passenger | Well, I’m sure Christian will behave in the full-body scanner. |
| Check-in | And what about his trunk control? Isn’t there a possibility he might help himself from the food cart, or take an healthy interest in the contents of the flight attendants’ clothing? |
| Passenger | Sorry? |
| Check-in | He might stick his trunk up someone’s skirt! |
| Passenger | That’s a no-no, is it? |
| Check-in | (sensing a win ) You bet it is, sir! |
| Passenger | Very well. I’ll tie his trunk down. |
| Check-in | Damn! Uhm… how do I know you’re not trying to export ivory illegally? |
| Passenger | Because I’d have chosen a much bigger elephant, of course! |
| Check-in | Hmmm… |
| Passenger | So we’re good to go? |
| Check-in | Not quite, sir. That trunk of his is too big to go on as carry-on, and since you’re likely reluctant to separate Christian from his trunk, he’ll have to travel as checked baggage. |
| Passenger | That’s not fair! |
| Check-in | Life’s like that, I’m afraid, sir. Now if you wouldn’t mind putting Christian on the scales… (Sarcastically) Oh my! He’s way over the 23kg limit. He’s up at 545kg—so… at current rates, that’s… (taps on a calculator) just over fifty-two grand. |
| Passenger | Ouch! Can you refund his ticket price as credit towards the baggage cost? |
| Check-in | Oh n-o-o-o sir. It’s far too close to take-off for that. |
| Passenger | Oh screw it. I don’t suppose… I don’t suppose you want a baby elephant, do you? |
| Check-in | I’m afraid not. |
| Passenger | Oh well. I guess he’ll just have to go in the garbage along with the oversize toothpaste and shampoo. |
| Check-in | But what about your anxiety sir? |
| Passenger | There’s a lounge for that! |