(~2 minutes to read)

It’s been discovered that herrings pass gas.

While congregated in great shoals.

The news isn’t new—in fact the background studies were done in the early 2000s—but my attention was drawn to it by a “Fact or Crap” page-a-day calendar (on September 21 to be precise).

Where do I start? The pitch? The communal nature? The interpretation? So many facets—so little space!

When, Where, Why

Apparently, herring “erupt” mostly at night, and researchers were pursuing the possibility that they do so as a gathering call, to form protective shoals. (Yes, I know—counter-intuitive to us humans.) They arrived at that hypothesis because the phenomenon only manifests itself when darkness and large numbers of fish are involved. Which leads me to think about when I used to play sardines and someone would wait in a closet until it was full of people and then let rip. Given that sardines are members of the herring family, this fishy research finding seems entirely in line with my empirical research.

The frequency of the emissions (I’ll resist the obvious!) is up to 22kHz, way above my limit of hearing (or capabilities), so how would I know if I was swimming in the ocean at night with a shoal of herring beneath me? Would it be a potential health hazard? Apparently not. Fortunately, the air that they expel isn’t associated with the digestive tract; the fish gulp air at the surface and store it in their swim bladders so that they can “chat” later on. Therefore, the gas only smells fishy and not in any way like the human equivalents.

Actually, I’m amazed that this communal piscine fartfest hasn’t been discovered before; surely the water above the shoal must resemble a jacuzzi.

Which is how (I presume) I would know I was swimming above a shoal of herring.

Interpreting, Translating

Are these piscine pops just a general “come hither” broadcast, or is the language more sophisticated? I believe that a character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy might be able to help.

Many people are aware of the babel fish—the alien fish from H2G2 that performs instant translations.

It seems to me that it’s uniquely placed to help scientists further their research into this phenomenon, although if the babel fish shares (polite) humankind’s aversion to farting in company, it might demand some kind of danger money. But if it is up to the job, it should be a piece of cake – in fact it could talk to humans and herrings simultaneously; its head would be engaged in human conversation while its opposite end would be talking to the herrings.

Just as long as it doesn’t forget which end to use when talking to humans.

Le Pétomane

Joseph Pujol was a French entertainer whose forte was to be seemingly able to fart at will. One of the highlights of his performance was to play the French national anthem on an ocarina using a rubber tube to connect the instrument with the source of the wind.

Think of the potential if someone were able to harness the talents of a shoal of herring and conduct them. Instead of just the French national anthem, the entire 1812 overture—or the Beatles’ “All You Need is Love”—might be possible.

Although at 22kHz, human audiences would be unable to enjoy the achievement…

Piscine Politicians?

And finally… I sense some kind of kinship between herrings and politicians—the similarity being the auditory origin of their discourse.