(~6 minutes to read)
Headline: Schoolboys wear skirts in uniform protest
The Scene: A meeting of the Board of Governors of the “Our Lady of Grantham” Academy, somewhere in the heartland of middle- to middle-upper-middle-class England. Seated around the table (which, it is rumoured, was once graced with the elbows of the Iron Lady herself) are: Elizabeth Swollocks, the school’s head teacher; Cyril Arbuthnot, her second-in-command; George Goatjuggler, the chairperson of both the local Conservative Association and the Board of Governors; several parent board members whose names we may or may not learn or care about; and Keefer Mole, a representative of Ofsted, (The Office for Standards in Education, Children’s Services and Skills).
As the curtain rises, the meeting is in progress, and the next agenda item is being introduced.
| GOATJUGGLER | On to item 23; summer uniform attire for boys. Would you care to provide some background, Headmistress? |
| SWOLLOCKS | Thank you Mr. Chairman. This matter arises as a result of the hot weather we’ve been experiencing recently. I had a request from several Year Eight boys to wear short trousers to school. Naturally, I declined the request, reminding them that our Uniform Policy contains no provisions for such attire. |
| GOATJUGGLER | Sounds like a major omission to me, Betty. When I was a lad, we all wore short trousers until the Lower Sixth. |
| ARBUTHNOT | Actually; when the policy was written, the boys and their parents were adamant that they did not want short trousers to be an option. They said that the boys regarded trousers as that which sorted the men out from the boys. Wearing long trousers was a rite of passage. |
| PARENT A | When was the policy created? |
| ARBUTHNOT | (Consulting his paperwork) Nineteen forty-seven. Of course, the school was called The Arthur Wellesley School for Young Gentlemen back then. |
| PARENT A | And I suppose the boys that were consulted were pupils at that time? |
| ARBUTHNOT | Oh heavens, no! Bureacracy doesn’t work that quickly! Let me see… the pupil body was consulted in… ah, here it is. The boys were consulted via a show of hands in January, nineteen twenty-three. |
| PARENT B | Let me see if I understand correctly. The policy that prevents teenaged boys from wearing short trousers to school in 2017 was formed as the result of a show of hands performed in the depths of winter nearly a hundred years ago. |
| GOATJUGGLER | The winter of twenty-three was very mild, I recall. |
| PARENT B | (After doing a double-take on that last statement; how old is he?) Do you not think a review is long overdue? |
| GOATJUGGLER | (Banging his gavel) We’ll have none of that seditious talk here, sirrah! We have to uphold traditions! Why—how would it be if Our Lady had declared her intention to protect the Falklands no matter what, and then changed her mind the first time she received a demand for the Argies? |
| PARENT A | Not exactly the same thing, if I may say so, Mr. Chairman. |
| SWOLLOCKS | If I may be permitted to interject here, Mr. Chairman, I believe that intransigence would not serve any useful purpose in this instance. The pupils have pointed out that the teachers are allowed to wear cool clothing choices in the hot weather, and have raised the “h” word… hypocricy. |
| GOATJUGGLER | Glog the lot of ‘em, I say. |
| PARENT C | Do you mean, “flog”, Mr. Chairman? |
| GOATJUGGLER | I’m sorry: yes I mean, “flog the lot of ‘em”. I sometimes have trouble with the letter “f” when I get passionate about something. |
| ARBUTHNOT | With respect, Mr. Chairman, corporal punishment was banned in the 1980s. And once again, with respect, I ask that you hear Elizabeth—I mean the Headmistress—out. |
| SWOLLOCKS | Thank you, Arbuthnot. Our staff members acknowledge this double standard, but are not prepared to “cover up”, so to speak. Therefore, I suggested to the pupils concerned that if they don’t like the boys’ policy, perhaps they might like to adopt the girls’ uniform dress code. |
| GOATJUGGLER | Hra hra hra hrah! Excellent move, Headmistress! No self-respecting boy will want to be seen in a tartan skirt. I mean, look at how ridiculous those heathen Scots look in their kilts! Damned nancy boys! |
| PARENT D | (Who by some incredible coincidence happens to hail from the Scottish Highlands) I’ll ask ye to mind y’r manners, Mister Chairman. Ye never ken who might tak offence at a comment like that, and hoo he might react. |
| GOATJUGGLER | And I suppose you’re a damned Scottish Nationalist too, eh? A Sturgeon supporter, I’ll bet! |
| PARENT D | That’s no concern o’ yours, sir. |
| SWOLLOCKS | If I might continue? I regret to report that thirty-seven boys attended school today in tartan skirts and ankle socks. |
| I was able to discipline one of them because the skirt length didn’t meet our regulations—his ankle socks were clearly visible, and the bustle was being worn backwards. But my attempts to implement the boys’ policy on the boys were met with accusations of gender inequality, which as you know is one of the phrases that our school has designated as a trigger for “capitulation pending discussion”. | |
| PARENT A | Given the blurring of the line between… among genders, would this be a good time to adopt a gender-neutral uniform? |
| GOATJUGGLER | What? Are you suggesting that we allow the gels to wear trousers? |
| PARENT A | On the contrary, Mister Chairman. I’d like us to devise some kind of vestment that cannot be identified as male or female. |
| PARENT B | Interesting choice of word—“vestment”. It’s almost as though you were thinking along the lines of religious vestments, such as those that priests, monks, nuns, and those of other faiths wear. |
| PARENT A | Yes, a robe of some kind. It could be a warm fabric such as wool or fleece for the cold season, and something cooler, like cotton or silk, for when the temperature rises above, say, twenty-five degrees Celsius. |
| ARBUTHNOT | But what about the teachers? The Headmistress? |
| PARENT A | In the interests of avoiding accusations of hypocrisy, I’d say that all staff would be expected to abide by the same code. |
| MOLE | The Ofsted reaction to your proposal is likely to be rejection. One… uhm… difficulty I can foresee is claims of cultural appropriation from those whose calling requires them to wear such garments and who have earned the right to wear them. |
| SWOLLOCKS | Hmmm, “cultural appropriation” is another of those trigger phrases. Perhaps a robe might create more problems than it solves. |
| MOLE | Then may I suggest that you do two things. Firstly, that you add short trousers to the list of permissible garments. Secondly, that you don’t have separate codes for boys and girls. |
| Combine the two lists into one. If a child wishes to wear a skirt over short trousers, for example, then let them. If a boy wishes to wear a shirt that buttons up the other way, or that has darts in the front to accommodate what are colloquially known as “moobs”, then they should be allowed. | |
| GOATJUGGLER | Over my dead body! |
| SWOLLOCKS | Judging from the colour of your face, Mr. Chairman, that might soon be the case. |
| ARBUTHNOT | I believe Mister Mole’s suggestion is the right one for the twenty-first century. |
| PARENT A | I could support it. |
| PARENT D | And would the meeting countenance the inclusion of the sporran in the dress code? I’ll wager there’s nae pockets in the skirts. |
| PARENT A | That sounds like a practical suggestion. Of course, the sporran would need to be designed to blend in with the uniform. It could feature the school crest, perhaps. |
| GOATJUGGLER | Outrageous! Guck the lot of you! I’ll have nothing to do with this! (Standing) The Board will receive my resignation letter girst thing in the morning. (Exits) |
| MOLE | And there goes your problem, if I may say so, ladies and gentlemen. |
| PARENT B | I have to say that I thought Mr. Goatjuggler’s views to be somewhat… dated? |
| ARBUTHNOT | Indeed. |
| SWOLLOCKS | I agree, Arbuthnot; our pupils need a twenty-first century environment at school if they are to succeed in twenty-first century adult life. |
| Now… Would anyone like to break for a few minutes, or shall we move on to item 24, the proposed Latin Immersion Campus |