(~5 minutes to read)
My work recently took me out of town again, and as I sat in my modest hotel room waiting for my work day to begin, I wondered what kind of things a less-tolerant-than-me person might complain about when staying at such a hotel.
You won’t believe what happened next.
I always check all the drawers in a hotel room to see if I’m staying in the only one in the “Christian” world without a Gideon’s Bible. It didn’t take me long to find it, but as I picked it up, two letters fell out from inside the front cover and answered my question.
The First letter
(I don’t know what the writer of this letter was on, but he probably shouldn’t have been indulging in it in a “No Smoking” hotel room.)
To the Manager, Super-Quality-Travel-Inn
Dear Sir or Madam,
I thought you might be interested in some observations I made while staying at your hotel recently.
- The light in the fridge wasn’t bright enough.
- The light in the microwave oven was too bright.
- There was no spittoon anywhere on the premises.
- The mirrors were not on the ceiling.
- Champagne on pink ice is not what I ordered.
- The light bulbs in the room were mismatched. There were CFLs, incandescent bulbs, and LED bulbs. This played havoc with the white balance on the videos I shot in my room.
- I found the CCTV camera in my room a little creepy and invasive. (By the way, how do you deal with the white balance issue caused by the motley collection of light bulbs?)
- Although the proximity of my room to the pool and hot tub was appreciated, my joy was someone tempered by the sound of people enjoying themselves and the smell of chlorine.
- Being a ground floor room, there was no pleasure to be derived from hurling the TV out the window. In fact, TV defenestration has had much of its allure removed by the demise of CRT television sets—they provided such a satisfying sight-and-sound experience as the tube imploded.
- The people in the room above me kept me awake with their attempts to throw their TV out of the window.
- The phone was of the corded variety. Is the hotel unable to move fully into the 21st century?
- I discovered an ant on the inside window ledge. If there’s one ant visible, there’s a whole colony nearby. I shuddered to think where. The person at the front desk appeared uninterested in waking anyone to help me locate the colony.
- I found the bed bugs to be ill-mannered.
- I found the cockroaches to be unnervingly convivial.
- I was fascinated by the towel sculpture on the bed—created, presumably, by your imaginative room service folk. However, artistic modesty prevents me from describing it further or commenting on its likeness to the real thing(s).
It’s my fervent hope that you will show more interest in these issues than did the various staff members I spoke to. I very much look forward to your response.
Yours truly
Selwyn D. Goatwhistler
The Manager’s Reply
(Apparently, the manager felt that the complaints had sufficient merit to warrant individual responses.)
Dear Mr. Goatwhistler,
I’m saddened that the standard of care and attention you experienced during your stay at our hotel didn’t meet your expectations. However, I’m pleased to report that we have addressed your concerns, as follows.
- We have swapped the fridge light bulbs with the microwave light bulbs in all rooms.
- We have installed mirrors on the ceilings of all our rooms. We have also installed mirrors under the beds just in case Superman stays at our hotel.
- We have placed spittoons in several key locations. We have also placed foot rails at the spittoon locations so that our patrons can strike an appropriate pose when using the spittoons.
- We have instructed our room service people not to deliver ice of any colour or hue to guest rooms.
- We have stocked our famed wine cellars with a wide selection of different-coloured champagnes.
- We have removed all light bulbs and replaced them with rush torches, which use no elecricity at all.
- We provide CCTV as a privacy service. We reason that the chances of there being two hidden CCTVs in a room are very slight indeed, and since we plan nothing nefarious for our footage, your privacy is assured.
- We have revised the rules posted around the swimming pool area. They now include an instruction for people to refrain from enjoying themselves in any audible manner.
- Our pool maintenance people now use vinegar instead of chlorine to maintain hygiene.
- I have contracted with a company to obtain a reliable supply of old style televisions. We plan to create a railed-off area on the roof of our hotel from where guests can hurl televisions down into a cordoned-off area in the parking lot.
- We have cut the cords on all our phones. People tended not to use them, so only discerning people like you will be affected by this remedy, and in a positive way.
- We have placed “No Ants Allowed” signs in all our windows.
- We have issued a Request for Proposal to etiquette schools in order to see if we can improve the manners of our bedbugs.
- We have ordered clown masks for our cockroaches. We think this might make them a little less friendly-looking.
- We have hung pictures of the real thing(s) on the walls in all our rooms so that guests can compare towel sculptures with them.
I would like to offer you a complementary stay at our hotel, so that you can see for yourself how much your observations have precipitated improvements in our guest experience. Should you decide to take advantage of this offer, please ask to be introduced to Mort, our wine specialist. I will instruct him to give you a tour of our cellars. Be sure to ask him to demonstrate the workings of our newly-installed whine press.
I remain your humble servant,
M. Q. Tarquinesteven (Mrs.)
Manager