(~4 minutes to read)
Dear Mr. Disney,
My name is Kelvin and I’m 10 years old (in my head). I’m writing to you about the choices you have made regarding what I believe are called “re-makes”.
In the past 70 years, you have made two movies of Cinderella.
In the past 50 years, you have made two movies of The Jungle Book.
In the past 30 years, you have made two movies of Beauty and the Beast.
Bambi was made in 1942, and is still part of our cultural fabric. For example, in Scrubs, Carla calls JD “Bambi”. People who live among urbanized deer refer to the fawns as “bambis”. I know of people who eschew venison because they “don’t want to eat Bambi”. (I’ve also heard of exotic dancers who call themselves “Bambi”. But I digress.)
None of your re-made films enjoy that kind of widespread, cross-generation popularity and cultural integration, yet there has been no Bambi re-make. I’m hoping that this letter will start the process of changing that.
Bambi is one of the best-known of your films. It’s a wonderful movie that gives young children a good (if somewhat overly-anthropomorphic) grounding in nature study. It provides good life lessons—for example, animals go hungry in winter; papas aren’t always around; children get (SPOILER!) orphaned; deer can be dangerous dudes. It’s inclusive in that it doesn’t stigmatize skunks. It mixes real life with sugar-candy life.
But there is room for improvement.
I saw Bambi in a cinema in east London in approximately 1959. Actually, I didn’t see the whole film. I howled so loud and hard when (SPOILER!) Bambi’s mum died that my dad had no choice but to gag me and carry me out under his arm. I clearly remember the occasion, right up to the point at which my head hit the seventh seat-back on the way out.
So in order that I could write this letter to you from a position of knowledge, I made myself watch Bambi again. By the way, I now weigh 185lbs and am therefore too big for my father to carry under his arm. (Not that he’s in any condition to try; he passed away twenty-five years ago.)
Times have changed since Bambi was first released. In your re-make, you might have to portray (SPOILER!) the death of Bambi’s mother differently. You could go for the full blood spatter treatment, thus making the movie popular among pre-pubescent first-person gamers. Or you could go whole-hog in the opposite direction and appease the bubble-wrap mommas. Irrespective, many of today’s children just wouldn’t understand the subtlety of, “Your mother cannot be with you anymore.” They would assume she’d run off with the pool maintenance guy or ski instructor.
Thumper really isn’t a good role model for kids. He’s mean to the young Bambi. He falls into that double-negative trap; “don’t say nothing…” And he uses the word “good” where “well” is required.
Speaking of words, Mr. Disney, and bearing in mind the advent of social media, the word “twitterpate” is known by far too few people. You should “own” that word.
Twitterpate™.
The love scenes are a little syrupy and subtle. We see so much of Bambi’s “rudder” at the beginning, but during the courtship scenes, there’s no such behaviour among any of the creatures. Why not add some rudder waggling? (But please—no twerking.)
In retrospect, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have made it to the end of the movie back in 1959, even if I’d toughed out the (SPOILER!) death of Bambi’s mum. That whole hunting scene near the end was a bit too close to my schoolboy experiences as quarry to Frankie O’Flaherty’s gang for my liking. So please tone that down.
A re-make would be an ideal opportunity to right these and other wrongs.
In the seventy-plus years since Bambi was made, a new concept – mash-ups—has come about. Mr. Disney, I’d like to suggest that you get together with the Misters Warner to discuss combining one of their characters with your Bambi re-make. I refer to Elmer Fudd. It strikes me that if he was the hunter in Bambi, then Bambi’s mother would never have been (SPOILER!) shot.
I look forward to receiving your reply, Mr. Disney. Despite categorical denials from your descendants, I count myself among those who believe that you are currently cryonically frozen, and that you will be revived when technology and medicine have reached the stage where the damage done to your body by cancer can be repaired, and you can grow a new lung. I very much hope that this will occur soon, otherwise I may have to have myself cryonically frozen, and revived when your letter arrives.
Yours truly,
Kelvin D. Hatch