(~3 minutes to read)
Personal experiences are not the best fodder for articles unless they’re paradigm-changing, or heroic, or they cure world hunger. So I’m going to couch this article about my social media virginity in terms of questions that social media harlots can relate to.
Last week I tried to describe the inner turmoil of a person who doesn’t see the point of social media when they realize that it’s the only way to spread the word about them and their work. This week I’m setting myself up for disappointment by asking you for help.
Okay—so calling you a social media harlot probably wasn’t the smartest first move. Let’s just put that down to wedding night nerves shall we?
On November 24th, 2016, I created Twitter and Facebook accounts for myself. That followed days of checking out potential handles and worrying about whether or not people would think I was good enough, or thoughtful enough—the same things that a bride- (or groom-) to-be might worry about.
(Come off it—what bride-to-be spends the days leading up to her wedding worrying about handles (as in names; not door handles, pan handles, man handles or love handles)? “Oh my—what pet name might Algernon think of for me? Pookums? SyrupOfFigsFace? Slave of Algie?”
Invalid interjection. I was commenting on my previous sentence a little literally.)
So—first question—how did you Twitterati choose your handle? Is it short? Easy to remember? Identifies you easily? How many did you try and find were already taken before you landed on one? For me, it was 42. @RegGothard (my real name) was number 43. It’s longer than I’d like (has any groom-to-be ever worried about that?) but there’s no doubt about ease of identification and remembering.
Tip – use Namechk.com to check if a name is available at over 130 sites including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Flickr. (They check Google+ also, but when I was using it, it kept on returning an error.)
Anyway—I now have FB and Twitter accounts with bios that match each other and my website’s. I’ve filled out part of my profiles. But I haven’t yet posted a headshot. That’s another stressfest. “It can’t just be any photo—it has to evoke the persona I wish to convey to be followers-to-be. And it has to be a genuine photo—no trying to pass off as (insert name of hunk-du-jour)”.
Honestly, I over-analyze everything more than even Nina Proudman does. She knows she does it; I know I do it; the difference is that she’s a fictional character.
Sometimes I wish I was.
Despite all this work and worrying I’ve done in order to get started on FB and Twitter, I’ve yet to post anything.
Anything.
“Hi everybody” seems crass. “#myfirstweet” seems crass. I’m sorely tempted to go with the plaintive cry of the stereotypical new bride of many an old novel—“Be gentle with me”. But social media is an unforgiving place, and I’m pretty sure that such a plea would result in a robust deflowering. And I don’t have a mother to run home to, so I’d have to deal with the pain and humiliation on my own.
So—second question—what was your first ever tweet, or FB post? Did it include pictures of cute puppies or fluffy bunnies? And how did the world react?
As I mentioned earlier, I don’t see the point of social media. Some people are happy to announce their rising, their breakfast menu, the colour and style of their underwear, the efficiency (or otherwise) of their bowels, and many other not-in-the-least-bit-interesting factoids on social media. Perhaps I should get over myself.
Up at 8 #lateriser. Meusli and coffee #breakfast. Blue Stanfield’s briefs #undies. I’m a three- or four-a-day man #poophabits.
There. That could be my first tweet. 126 characters. Four hashtags (one too many, perhaps) and all the information a social media harlot would desire.
But wait. Pictures are worth a thousand “pick me” points to Google and FB. So I need an image. Breakfast bowl and coffee mug? My underwear drawer? Me on the can? Me on the can with my breakfast bowl and coffee mug in my underwear drawer on my lap?
Life is so hard for a social media virgin. Bad decisions could mar that “first time” experience and scar me for life. (And if I posted a picture of me on the can, I’d scar my kids for life too!)
So—last question—what should my first tweet or FB post be, and what kind of image should accompany it?
#help! Need #advice! Please give generously.
It seems the FB aficionados (aficianadi?) change photos like underwear – new ones every few days!
Be brave and creative – change with mood, season, weather, political upheavals (yeah – kind of like underwear)
Well if it helps any, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t very particular when it came to choosing my first Facebook profile picture. If I remember correctly, it was my head sticking out of a car window like a dog, with my cheeks flapping cheerfully in the wind. I suspect that’s not the kind of suggestion you were hoping for, though!
I was reading this item thinking 3 to 4 a day is a bit bit excessive, but as I was reading it sitting on the can for my second of the day and it was only 11am, maybe 3 to 4 is not so OTT.