(~6 minutes to read)
Headline: Graduates – stop throwing your hats!
The following was inspired by the above news report.
SLURRY ON THE MERE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL
2021-04-01
Dear Graduand,
As the date of your graduation draws near, it is time to provide some guidelines regarding the celebrations.
As you no doubt know, graduation is a time for joyous and exuberant celebration, and we hope that you will enter into the spirit of the day—after all, you’ve earned it!
However, exuberance is frequently accompanied by a certain amount of risky behaviour. Our legal advisors have recognised this as a potential source of undesirable litigious attention and have issued the following guidelines. Please take a moment to study them.
Clothing
Graduands should wear formal or semi-formal attire under their gowns. Those who identify as male are encouraged to wear a white shirt and tie; those who identify as female are encouraged to select apparel with a modest neckline. Those who do not identify with either gender may follow either recommendation.
Graduands who are found to be in a state of déshabille beneath their gowns will have their gowns confiscated immediately for health and hygiene reasons.
Gowns
Only school-approved gowns will be permitted in the auditorium. These will have been treated with a fire retardant to prevent the hot air being expelled in the auditorium from setting fire to them.
Caps (aka Mortar Boards)
The wearing of mortar boards is a long-standing tradition at most seats of learning; indeed some form of ceremonial headgear has been used for several centuries in universities. A graduation ceremony would not be the same without them.
The tradition of tossing them in the air is more recent—perhaps a hundred years. This tradition has given rise to a level of risk which our legal advisors deem to be unacceptable. Once airborne, the caps are effectively out-of-control missiles that could land almost anywhere. Eyes, ears and other body parts are exposed to the possibility of being stabbed by a corner of these projectiles.
For this reason, the traditional cap toss will not take place at this year’s celebrations. However, we realise that a photo of the cap toss is an iconic symbol of graduation, so we have retained the services of Happy Haperture Photography to digitally add the caps in. We will arrange for you to pose capless with your hands in the throwing position, and the caps will be superimposed on a photo of that scene.
The cost of this (£8.00 per pupil) will be added to the price of the photograph. For more details, got to Happy Haperture’s website and look for the “Couldn’t Give a Toss?” link.
Although the elimination of the cap toss removes some of the risk, we are concerned that the corners still present a potential hazard when two or more students are in close proximity of each other, so we are taking additional precautions to mitigate this risk.
Firstly, pupils will be required to remove their mortar boards prior to entering into any form of embrace. Secondly, all mortar boards will be fitted with a flashing red warning light on each corner—these are to be illuminated whenever the headgear is being worn.
Pupils are expressly prohibited from carrying mortar on their mortar boards, as any accidental spills would pose a slip hazard.
Tassels
The wearing of a tassel and the moving of it from one side to the other is another long-standing tradition at schools and universities everywhere. However, video surveillance footage has shown that these tassels can cause significant injury to the eyes of the wearer as well as to the eyes of those nearby. Also, tassels have been observed to enter the wearer’s mouth.
We plan to mitigate the risk of harm by (a) sanitising all tassels on entry to the auditorium, and (b) requiring students to detach them from their caps once they take their seats.
The traditional move of the tassel will be achieved by graduands taking the tassel in their right hand, raising both hands in the air, and passing the tassel from their right to their left hands.
Those students wishing a more traditional look to the video of this segment of the ceremony may take advantage of the service offered by See-Jee-Eye Animations Ltd., who will digitally modify the footage to show you performing the traditional tassel move.
Footwear
Graduands are encouraged to wear sensible shoes. Heels greater than two inches in height are discouraged. Boots with steel toecaps are recommended; in the event that another student drops his or her grad cap, toes will be adequately protected.
National Anthem
It is recognised that we live in an ethnically diverse society today. Many graduands are not British citizens and have therefore not pledged allegiance to the Queen and her successors. This means that the singing of God Save the Queen is somewhat insensitive.
We will therefore be borrowing from the Scouting tradition and replacing the National Anthem with Ging Gang Goolie which, having been written for a culturally-diverse and linguistically-disparate gathering, is neutral in every way. Pupils are required to become familiar with the words and tune of this song.
Selfies
The popular habit of photographing oneself with one’s smartphone or other photographic device carries with it some inherent risk. The camera operator is less than normally aware of his or her surroundings while composing and exposing the photograph, and thus poses a hazard to himself or herself as well as to others.
Those wishing to take so-called “selfies” should organise themselves into groups of at least three. Only one of the three (or more) should be part of a photograph; the other two (or more) should act as lookouts for the operator.
Beverages
It is a poorly-kept secret that graduands indulge in alcoholic refreshment before, during and after the ceremony. This has been identified as another potential hazard.
Pupils are expressly forbidden to bring such refreshments to the celebrations in glass or plastic containers as they pose a break-and-spill hazard. Spills could damage the fabric of the gowns, resulting in forfeit of the damage deposit on the item. All such beverages should be housed in metal hip flasks that can be carried safely and securely in an inside jacket pocket or a garter.
Finally
Although the above guidelines might appear to you to be onerous or unnecessarily protective or mollycoddling, please understand that they have been provided for your safety and wellbeing. After all, you wouldn’t want to go straight from your graduation ceremony to the Casualty Department at the hospital!
On behalf of the faculty here at Slurry on the Mere Junior High School, I hope that you enjoy your special day!
Your Turn
What do you think of the ban on cap tossing at various schools and universities? (The report that inspired this piece is only the latest in a string of such bans.) Is risk mitigation getting out of hand? Who or what do you believe to be the root cause of this increased vigilance? Is the “sue” mentality spreading and getting worse? Or is the tossing of grad caps a seriously hazardous activity whose dangers have hitherto been underestimated? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment.