{"id":896,"date":"2017-12-18T00:01:40","date_gmt":"2017-12-18T07:01:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=896"},"modified":"2018-08-27T14:14:40","modified_gmt":"2018-08-27T20:14:40","slug":"sea-star-stuck-in-a-stall","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/12\/18\/sea-star-stuck-in-a-stall\/","title":{"rendered":"Sea Star Stuck in a Stall"},"content":{"rendered":"

(This piece was inspired by my discovery that there is such a thing as a Miss Mermaid competition (national and international), and by the statement in this article<\/a> that most girls growing up want to be a mermaid.)<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cCan I get a hand in here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Stella\u2019s voice reverberated around the performers\u2019 washroom in the theatre.<\/p>\n

She listened. Other than the hiss of the air conditioning, she heard nothing.<\/p>\n

Stella had a problem. Her starfish costume had come into contact with the stall wall, and three arms-worth and more of suckers were currently working as designed, flawlessly.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn this costume!\u201d muttered Stella. She tried again to free one of her real arms from the wall.<\/p>\n

No luck. Those suckers had her stuck to the wall like poop to a blanket.<\/p>\n

She began to wonder why she\u2019d entered the \u201cMiss Sea Star Canada\u201d pageant in the first place.<\/p>\n

Oh yes; the fifty-thousand-dollar first prize.<\/p>\n

It\u2019d seemed like a fun thing to do, and different enough from the run-of-the-mill \u201cMiss Mermaid\u201d competitions to set her apart from all her friends.<\/p>\n

So she\u2019d commissioned the construction of the most realistic-looking starfish costume she could imagine.<\/p>\n

One with five arms.<\/p>\n

One with a rough skin on her front.<\/p>\n

One with sixty-five fully-functioning suckers on each of the arms.<\/p>\n

And fifty-seven suckers on the central disc of the costume.<\/p>\n

Approximately sixty-five percent of those suckers were currently holding her on the side partition wall of a washroom stall.<\/p>\n

She hadn\u2019t even managed to pee prior to becoming stuck in her predicament. She was therefore doubly inconvenienced in the convenience.<\/p>\n

Her visit had started safely enough. She\u2019d manoeuvred herself into the stall carefully, and locked the door. But as she took her phone out of her costume to place on top of the toilet roll caddy, she dropped it.<\/p>\n

Over the toilet.<\/p>\n

In her panic to stop it reaching the water, she\u2019d bent down quickly. As she did so, approximately forty suckers on her derriere had hit the partition wall and stuck her there. Meanwhile, her phone had bounced off the rim of the toilet bowl and skittered along the floor into the next stall.<\/p>\n

When she realized she couldn\u2019t move away from the wall, she reached behind herself to pry the suckers off.<\/p>\n

The suckers on her arms had dutifully done their job and immobilized her.<\/p>\n

\u201cHELLOOOOOOOOO!\u201d she yelled.<\/p>\n

She uttered an oath that would probably have got her disqualified from the pageant.<\/p>\n

She tried sliding herself along the wall.<\/p>\n

Too much suction.<\/p>\n

In frustration, she threw her head back against the wall.<\/p>\n

And twenty-three suckers from the starfish arm on her head joined their siblings on the partition wall.<\/p>\n

Her screams of frustrated rage echoed down the hallway outside the washroom, and were heard by a young security officer on duty outside the contestants\u2019 changing rooms. He radioed in, and then set out to locate the source of the scream.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Stella was trying to use the toilet as a base against which to push herself along the wall. She pressed her left foot against the further side of the toilet bowl rim and pushed hard.<\/p>\n

Ten suckers along the back of her calf grabbed the nearer side of the rim.<\/p>\n

She repeated her disqualifying oath.<\/p>\n

Three times.<\/p>\n

Loudly.<\/p>\n

Four seconds later, she heard a knock on the washroom entrance door and a male voice shout,<\/p>\n

\u201cEverything okay in there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHelp! I need help!\u201d shouted Stella.<\/p>\n

\u201cHang on, I\u2019m coming in,\u201d shouted Guy, the security guy.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m hanging on, trust me!\u201d replied Stella.<\/p>\n

He opened the door and looked around.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you?\u201d he called.<\/p>\n

\u201cThird stall from the left,\u201d returned Stella.<\/p>\n

\u201cRight. I see you now. Wait\u2014I only see one leg.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe other one\u2019s stuck to the toilet. Get me outta here!\u201d<\/p>\n

Stella lifted her one free foot off the floor carefully, and was not surprised to observe that she hadn\u2019t slid down the wall. She manoeuvred the foot to the lock to open the door and let Guy in.
\nTwo suckers on her heel stuck on the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re gonna have to slide under the door,\u201d said Stella. \u201cI can\u2019t unlock it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s your leg gone?\u201d asked Guy.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve eaten it!\u201d said Stella. \u201cReally, do you have to ask? I\u2019m a contestant and I\u2019m wearing a starfish costume with two hundred and fifty-two suckers on it. My arms are stuck to the wall, one foot\u2019s stuck to the toilet, and the other\u2019s just got stuck to the door: and every time I move, I hit something and more suckers get stuck.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuckers gonna suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, you are so completely f..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow\u2026 Taylor Swift\u2019s got competition, hey? Asshole! Get me outta here, for crying out loud.\u201d<\/p>\n

Guy removed his utility belt, lay down on the floor, and slid his head under the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cHeh\u2014how many suckers?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTwo hundred and fifty-two,\u201d said Stella.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes that include the one wearing the costume?\u201d chuckled Guy. \u201cOkay\u2026 not funny.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s see\u2026 I could<\/em> try to pry<\/em> you off. Thing is, with two of us in that stall, I can\u2019t help thinking that every time we get a limb free, it\u2019ll get stuck somewhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAny other ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but you ain\u2019t gonna like it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I unzip your costume, you wriggle out of it, and then peel the costume off the wall.\u201d<\/p>\n

He paused.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you wearing anything underneath that thing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEnough,\u201d said Stella. \u201cSo do it. Just F*****G DO IT!\u201d<\/p>\n

Guy slid under the door and with great difficulty, stood up. He took hold of a zipper\u2019s slider tag and pulled. The starfish skin peeled away, revealing Stella skin underneath. He paused and stared, admiring the perfection of her right kneecap.<\/p>\n

He ran the zipper all the way to her foot. Stella removed her leg from the door.<\/p>\n

Guy repeated the operation on Stella\u2019s left leg. She was now visibly naked from mid-thigh down, but both feet were back on terra firma<\/em>.<\/p>\n

He turned his attention to her arms. A minute later, Stella was able to liberate her head from the last starfish arm herself.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you get all the way out?\u201d asked Guy.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s Velcro down my left side, but I can deal with that, thank you. Now if you would kindly leave me alone for a moment\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Guy slid out under the door, leaving Stella to complete her extrication.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo starfish have exoskeletons?\u201d he asked from the other side of the door, as he picked up his utility belt and buckled it on. \u201cIs that how they shed them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, and no.\u201d said Stella.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo they have zippers or velcro?\u201d asked Guy, grinning.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce again, no and no,\u201d replied Stella.<\/p>\n

She unlocked the door and exited the stall wearing her workout clothing.<\/p>\n

\u201cMan, that costume\u2019s hot!\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven hotter with you in it!\u201d he replied. \u201cUnless you\u2019re stuck to the toilet wall\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

They both laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can I thank you?\u201d she said to Guy.<\/p>\n

\u201cUhm\u2026 maybe have dinner with me after the competition?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be great,\u201d replied Stella.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know this restaurant that does the best seafood in the universe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPerfect,\u201d said Stella calmly. \u201cAfter this experience, I need to wreak my revenge!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHate to tell you, but starfish aren\u2019t really edible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. So the lobsters will have to take one for the team. I\u2019ll catch you backstage after the competition. Now, you must excuse me\u2014I need to pee real bad, and then I have to peel my costume off the wall and get back into it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Will Stella get ready in time to compete? Will she fall over on stage and not be able to get up again? Will she win?<\/p>\n

Will she and Guy actually go out for dinner together? Will Guy wear his utility belt? Will the evening end when they pay the bill?<\/p>\n

All will be revealed next week! (Story-wise, that is.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(This piece was inspired by my discovery that there is such a thing as a Miss Mermaid competition (national and international), and by the statement in this article that most girls growing up want to be a mermaid.) \u201cCan I get a hand in here?\u201d Stella\u2019s voice reverberated around the performers\u2019 washroom in the theatre. She listened. Other than the… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[487],"tags":[495,497,496,498],"class_list":["post-896","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stories","tag-miss-mermaid","tag-sea-creature-costume","tag-sea-star","tag-unusual-meetings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/896","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=896"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/896\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=896"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=896"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=896"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}