{"id":892,"date":"2017-12-11T00:01:25","date_gmt":"2017-12-11T07:01:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=892"},"modified":"2018-08-27T14:15:27","modified_gmt":"2018-08-27T20:15:27","slug":"editing-fails","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/12\/11\/editing-fails\/","title":{"rendered":"Beheading to Death as a Past Time"},"content":{"rendered":"

News item<\/a>: \u201cSaudi Arabia is to behead a\u2026 man to death\u2026\u201d
\nNews item<\/a>: “Shopping is one of our most traditional past times”<\/p>\n

I spotted both the above two editing fails on the same day. At the time, I thought of ranting about poor editorial standards, but thought better of it.<\/p>\n

I think the following script, which was inspired by my love for the TV show, \u201cBlackadder\u201d, is a much better vehicle for extracting the humour from these gaffes. Enjoy!<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cSo, Cauldron, here we are, installed as his Grace\u2019s official executioners. If we can\u2019t find creative ways to make a ton of cash on this, then my name isn\u2019t Lord Elrick Ratstrangler.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my lord,\u201d replied Cauldron, Ratstrangler\u2019s trusty but tatty manservant. He was known as a manservant because he served what was anatomically a man, although in his dealings with the rest of the human race, Ratstrangler showed himself to be more serpentine than human. Cauldron was therefore referred to by his peers as a snakeservant.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018No my lord\u2019?\u201d demanded Ratstrangler. \u201cAre you saying I don\u2019t know my own name? Do you doubt my ability to extract money from the condemned and their kin?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry my lord,\u201d returned Cauldron. \u201cI meant, \u2018yes, my lord. This should make us both wealthy men, my lord.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I suppose I could throw the odd penny your way, now and then,\u201d said Ratstrangler.<\/p>\n

\u201cO thank you, my lord! Wealth beyond my wildest dreams! May the blessings of a thousand angels rain upon your sweet head and grant you eternal bliss!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat a load of cobblers!\u201d exclaimed Ratstrangler.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut my lord, to dismiss such a blessing is blasphemy, surely!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf King \u2018Gout\u2019 can sack the Pope and set himself up as head of the most lucrative commercial enterprise in the country, I\u2019m sure your god will forgive me for not wanting to have a thousand angels divebombing me. Now, who\u2019ve we got lined up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTomorrow, my lord, we have Sir Sirus Loinchop, who refused to recognize his Grace as head of the Church in England. He\u2019s down for an HD&Q.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHD&Q, Cauldron?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExecutioners\u2019 jargon for \u2018hang, draw and quarter\u2019, my lord. Then on Friday, it\u2019s Lord Lionel Ottertoucher\u2019s turn.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what did he do to deserve a tour of our facilities?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe referred to the King as \u2018that limping vat of syphilitic hypocrisy,\u2019 my lord. His Grace personally dictated his death warrant.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes? And what did His Gross choose for an execution method?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said that he should be \u2018beheaded to death\u2019 my lord.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBeheaded.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo death.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood gravy, Cauldron\u2026 You know what that means, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy lord?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt means we don\u2019t know if Loinchop has to be HD&Q\u2019d to death as well, or not. I mean, if the King merely wants him roughed up a bit, we\u2019re going to have to take it easy with the drawing and quartering. If we go too far, and Loinchop dies, it might be us next.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat does make the job a little more difficult, my lord. Perhaps we should practise on a few peasants first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood idea Cauldron. You could call in a few family favours. That uncle of yours has got too many children, for starters.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s true, my lord, so it won\u2019t matter if we accidentally draw them to death. And if Uncle Sewer gets lonely, he can always beget a few more children.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the spirit, Cauldron.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was thinking, my lord; this job isn\u2019t likely to be a full-time one, so we might have time to indulge in some of our past times.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPast times, Cauldron?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my lord. You know\u2014hobbies and past times\u2014like cup-and-ball, or croquet, or that new-fangled game that his Grace plays\u2014uhm\u2026 what\u2019s it called? Oh\u2026 \u2018dennis\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you mean \u2018tennis\u2019 Cauldron?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mistake, my lord. All this talk of uncles and cousins made me think of my Auntie Dennis.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHaving a conversation with you, Cauldron, is like entering the Hampton Court maze and wondering if we\u2019ll ever get to Windsor. Firstly, about your Auntie Dennis. I hate to break this to you, but she is a he. He didn\u2019t want to be pressed into service aboard a ship, so he adopted the guise of an old washerwoman.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh. That explains the moustache, my lord.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it doesn\u2019t, Cauldron. All old washerwomen have moustaches; it\u2019s a mandatory requirement. And it doesn\u2019t explain the lack of\u2026 bosom, for the same reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen how do you know, my lord?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause he and your Auntie Sarah are married, and women won\u2019t be able to marry women for another five hundred years.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho gave birth to the babies then\u2014Auntie Dennis or Auntie Sarah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBabies are found under gooseberry bushes, Cauldron. And speaking of gooseberries, your brain resembles one\u2014small, green, and tart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, my lord.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore you have any other thoughts, let us extricate ourselves from the labyrinthian mess of your recent utterances. You said that we\u2019d have time for hobbies and past times\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes my lord\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe word is \u2018pastimes\u2019, Cauldron.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy lord?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Pastime\u2019, not \u2018past time\u2019. Good grief\u2014if we indulged in past times, we\u2019d have to have this conversation all over again. It\u2019s pastime, pastime, pastime!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well, my lord. Then you won\u2019t mind me saying that it\u2019s pastime we visited Loinchop and told him he\u2019s for the\u2026 chop\u2026 my lord\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCauldron\u2014do you work very hard at annoying me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my lord; it\u2019s no effort at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, get your hangman\u2019s noose tied and up on the gibbet ready for Loinchop. And if you\u2019re not done in ten minutes, you\u2019ll be hanging out with him tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my lord. Thank you my lord. Hmmm\u2026 hanging out all day with a knight. Mother will be so proud.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

News item: \u201cSaudi Arabia is to behead a\u2026 man to death\u2026\u201d News item: “Shopping is one of our most traditional past times” I spotted both the above two editing fails on the same day. At the time, I thought of ranting about poor editorial standards, but thought better of it. I think the following script, which was inspired by my… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,487],"tags":[492,494,193,493],"class_list":["post-892","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-stories","tag-beheaded-to-death","tag-pastiche","tag-pastimes","tag-wrong-words"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/892","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=892"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/892\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=892"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=892"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=892"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}