{"id":812,"date":"2017-10-23T00:01:32","date_gmt":"2017-10-23T06:01:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=812"},"modified":"2018-08-27T22:24:05","modified_gmt":"2018-08-28T04:24:05","slug":"madam-wanda-and-the-pin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/10\/23\/madam-wanda-and-the-pin\/","title":{"rendered":"Madam Wanda and the PIN"},"content":{"rendered":"

(For anyone old enough and British enough to remember, the 1960s radio show “I’m Sorry, I’ll Read That Again” (ISIRTA) had an interesting way of scene-setting for a sketch. I’ve tried to emulate that in some small way.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMadam Wanda?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my dear, that is my name.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI need to contact my late husband. Could you help me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am a medium, my dear. That is my special gift.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood. What do we do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, my dear, first you pay me $37.00.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t offer a \u201cno connection, no fee\u201d service then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI always<\/em> make a connection, my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well. Here’s thirty-seven dollars. Keep the change.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a very nice hat you\u2019re wearing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a beret, my dear. And I made it using fabric from my own loom.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd is that manufactured mother-of-pearl on the front?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHeavens, no, my dear! These are real pearls!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you call everyone \u2018my dear\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd do you always say \u2018my dear\u2019 in every sentence?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot every sentence. Only once every speech.
\n\u201cMy dear.
\n\u201cCome, come in here and sit at my mystic round table.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s very dark. There\u2019s only that single candle in the middle of your mystic table.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes the spirit of those we seek is quite weak, my dear: the light is subdued so that we may see them, my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou said \u2018my dear\u2019 twice just then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was expecting you to interject after the first one, my dear. By the way, what is your name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Deirdre. Most people call me \u2018Deir\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuch a nice name, my dear. Now\u2014shall we get started?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cO-k-a-y\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo not worry, Deir my dear. You shall come to no harm. I am a medium, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou look a little large to be a medium.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHa ha ha, haaaa. That\u2019s a good icebreaker, my dear. One that I\u2019ve not heard since\u2026 ooooo\u2026 since ten o\u2019clock this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry. I\u2019m nervous. It\u2019s the thought of speaking with Arthur again, I think.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you not want to speak to him, my dear?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFrankly my dear, no.
\n\u201cSorry\u2014all this \u2018my dear\u2019ing is contagious.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you said his name was Arthur?
\n\u201cMy dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is. Oh\u2026 \u2018Frankly\u2019\u2026 I meant, \u2018to be honest or candid\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAah. Sorry, my dear. Uhm\u2026 if I may ask such a question, if you don\u2019t want to speak to Arthur, why do you want to contact him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI need the PIN number for his banking card. But you probably knew that, and asked me just to make conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a medium, not a clairvoyant or a mind reader my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the Oxford Dictionary says that \u2018medium\u2019 and \u2018clairvoyant\u2019 are synonymous.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally? Then I must speak to their founding editor later\u2026 see if he can\u2019t put a hex or two on their current staff. Meanwhile\u2026 my dear\u2026 let us see if we can locate your dear departed husband, Arthur.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDeparted; yes. Husband; yes. Dear? If you mean did he cost me a lot of money, then yes. But let\u2019s be clear about this\u2014there was very little love between us by the time he died, and to be frank\u2026 honest\u2026 I\u2019m glad he\u2019s dead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear, this does complicate things a little. His spirit may not wish to be contacted if he realizes it\u2019s you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen tell him it\u2019s Letitia. Our daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well, my dear. Now; hold my hands, and try to empty your mind. I shall do the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can you hold your own hands?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI mean I shall empty my mind too\u2026 my dear<\/em>\u2026 Now empty your mind; empty your mind; concentrate on the candle\u2019s flame.
\n\u201cO-o-o-o-o-o-h-h-h-h-h\u2026 A-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h\u2026 Brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb\u2026
\n“Is there anybody there? I seek Arthur.<\/span><\/em>
\n \u201cYou need his last name?<\/span><\/em>
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s his last name, my dear?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDeerdry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry. What\u2019s his last name, Deirdre, my dear?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDeerdry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c???\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s our last name. D, E, E, R, D, R, Y. \u00bb<\/p>\n

\u201cAahhh. So you\u2019re Deirdre Deerd… ry\u2026
\n\u201cHow peculiar.
\n\u201cBrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb\u2026 I seek Arthur. Arthur Deerdry.<\/span><\/em>
\n \u201cAre you Arthur Deerdry?<\/span><\/em>
\n \u201cI have a message for you from your daughter Letitia. The message is, \u2018What is your banking card PIN number?\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said, \u2018You\u2019re getting as bad as your mother, Letitia. I can\u2019t believe you\u2019ve forgotten that the \u201cN\u201d in \u201cPIN\u201d stands for \u201cnumber\u201d.\u2019
\n\u201cI must say that I never knew that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell tell him you\u2019re sorry, and then ask the pedantic pain in the neck again.
\n\u201cOh\u2014and you didn\u2019t say \u2018my dear\u2019 in that last speech.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDammit!
\n\u201cMy dear.
\n\u201cNow I have to say a hundred \u2018Hale, Merry\u2019s!
\n\u201cMy dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever\u2026 Please\u2014ask him for the PIN nu\u2026 the PIN.
\n\u201cWait. What is a \u2018Hale, Merry\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the medium\u2019s prayer of penance. It goes like this. \u2018Hale, merry, and full of vigour, but cursed am I among mediums and cursed is the fruit of my loom likewise. Holey berets and mother-of-pearl unless I say before dinner, \u201cnow is the hour of my penance\u201d.\u2019
\n\u201cMy dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWeird\u2026 Familiar\u2014but weird.
\n\u201cNow; ask Arthur for the PIN. Please. I\u2019ve got thirty-seven bucks invested in this!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs you wish, Deirdre Deerdry my dear.<\/p>\n

\u201cAaaaaaahhhhhhh\u2026. Brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb\u2026 Are you still there, Arthur Deerdry? Your daughter Letitia seeks the PIN for your banking card. Please tell me what it is.<\/span><\/em>
\n\u201cHe says, my dear, that it\u2019s the last four digits of your phone number. I think he must mean Letitia\u2019s phone number.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally? Thirty-seven bucks for that? I could\u2019ve guessed that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s just the benefit of hindsight, my dear. Your use of my gift has verified it though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose\u2026 Well\u2026 thanks anyway. Now I can pay his dealer out of his own money instead of mine. The guy told me that Arthur\u2019s death didn\u2019t mean the debt was forgiven. In fact, he asked me if I would like to join my husband. That\u2019s what motivated me to come and see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell; I\u2019m glad I was able to save you from\u2026 (heh heh) a fate worse than death, my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye, Madam Wanda.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye, my dear.
\n(After Deirdre Deerdry has left the premises<\/em>)
\n\u201cWell\u2026 there\u2019s a one-in-ten-thousand chance that it\u2019s the right PIN. I hope Arthur\u2019s dealer is patient.
\n\u201cRight. Who\u2019s next?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(For anyone old enough and British enough to remember, the 1960s radio show “I’m Sorry, I’ll Read That Again” (ISIRTA) had an interesting way of scene-setting for a sketch. I’ve tried to emulate that in some small way.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,486],"tags":[452,453,449,451,450],"class_list":["post-812","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-scripts","tag-goodies","tag-isirta","tag-medium","tag-pedant","tag-pin"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/812","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=812"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/812\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=812"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=812"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=812"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}