{"id":764,"date":"2017-09-18T00:01:08","date_gmt":"2017-09-18T06:01:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=764"},"modified":"2020-03-04T16:32:53","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T23:32:53","slug":"sunflowers-on-the-beach","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/09\/18\/sunflowers-on-the-beach\/","title":{"rendered":"Sunflowers on the Beach"},"content":{"rendered":"

Interesting fact:<\/strong> Sunflowers turn to face the sun in order to maximize photosynthesis and to encourage the insects that are necessary for pollination to occur. Mature sunflowers that have been pollinated no longer follow the sun.<\/p>\n

Scene: a bar in a sun-kissed holiday resort. Mick and Rick, two forty-something guys, are people watching as they sip at their refreshing mid-morning beverages in the shade of a sun umbrella.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Mick<\/td>\n\u2018Sfunny how some people prefer the sun to the shade.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nYeah. Y\u2019d think with all the scare stories about skin cancer, people would avoid the sun like the plague, but no; they\u2019re out there barbecuing themselves all day.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nAnd it\u2019s not like it\u2019s all the kids are out sunning and all the parents are in the shade.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nIt\u2019s mostly women though\u2014well, more girls than women.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nI don\u2019t know how they can stand it.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nThey don\u2019t; they lie down most of the time.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nOh ha, bloody ha. You know what I mean. They go out there after breakfast, and they lie there until lunch. The only thing they do is rub more stuff into their skin, order another drink, and turn the bed to face the sun.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nI wonder if the resort\u2019s got any openings for a sunscreen rubber-inner?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nIs that a job then?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nIf it isn\u2019t, it should be. It\u2019d save people getting sunscreen all over their books, Kobos and other stuff.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nTrue\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\n(After a pause<\/em>) Maybe people are like sunflowers.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nYou mean they look all sunny and happy in the summer and then wither away in the winter?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nNo, goat brain! I mean they\u2019re heliotropic.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nThey\u2019ve got bad breath?!?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nThat\u2019s halitosis! Heliotropic\u2014they turn to face the brightest sunlight.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nO-o-o-o-o-o-h-h-h. So sunflowers do that, do they?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nYep. Well-known fact.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nSo which way do they face at night?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nNot sure. Maybe they spend the night spinning around, going, \u201cwhere\u2019s the sun gone?\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nYeah. Probably. (Pause<\/em>) So you think that people are like sunflowers \u2018cuz they turn to face the sunlight then?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nStands to reason. And you know what?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nWhat?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nI think it might be something to do with pollination.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nWhat, allergies?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nYou really aren\u2019t the coldest beer in the fridge, are you? Pollination\u2014bees moving pollen around flowers so the flowers produce seeds.
\nDidn\u2019t you learn about the birds and the bees?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\n\u2018Course I did. I know all about\u2026 y\u2019know\u2026 doing it.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nNo-I really do mean the birds and the bees. Rummaging around in the flowers. (Pause<\/em>) It\u2019s how flowers and things make little flowers.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nSo\u2026 you think that\u2026 girls\u2026 lie out in the sun\u2026 to attract\u2026 bees?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nGive me strength! When\u2019s the last time you met a chick who likes bees?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nThat\u2019s why I thought\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nCareful with all that thinking. Could be dangerous.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nSo if it\u2019s not the bees, what do they want to attract?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nI think they might subconsciously want to get\u2026 uhm\u2026 \u201cpollinated\u201d.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nWhat if they\u2019re allergic though?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nWill you forget about allergies for a minute?
\nDo you know what an analogy is?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nDuh! It\u2019s where your body reacts to something.
\nLike pollen.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nI can see why Tracey lets you go to the bar as much as you like\u2026 (Speaking slowly<\/em>)
\nAn -a-n-a-l-o-g-y.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nOh! Sorry! You\u2019d got me fixated on allergies, and I just thought you\u2019d stammered a little.
\nOf course I know what an analogy is. But what\u2019s that got to do with sunflowers and pollination?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nThat\u2019s the analogy! I think those girls are trying to attract a partner with whom they may eventually produce little people.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\n(Processing this<\/em>) Aaaahhh!!! I\u2019ve got it! They want to get a nice, even suntan so that they look attractive to\u2026 to us\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nSorry to shove proverbial ice cubes down your beach shorts Mick, but likely not us specifically. I suspect they\u2019re hoping to attract younger specimens.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nSo why are the boys out sunning themselves? They can\u2019t get pregnant!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nIt\u2019s complicated Mick. Y\u2019see, in flowers, the boy part and the girl part are all there. But us humans, we need a boy and a girl to\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nNot necessarily\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nLook. Sunflowers don\u2019t have bloody fertility clinics. They have to rely on nature. They need to have their boy parts firing on all cylinders and they need to have their girl parts doing girl part stuff. So for the analogy to work, we have to assume that human \u201cpollination\u201d is going to happen naturally. That\u2019s why the boys are out there, in the sun, hovering around those nubile young women, in their tiny little two-piece swimsuits, glistening as they sunbathe, adjusting the straps\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nNeed the ice cubes?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nYeah. Sorry. Buruburuburuburuburuburuburuburuburub. Where was I?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nAdjusting bikini straps\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nDon\u2019t get me started again!
\nHey\u2014isn\u2019t it your turn to buy?
\n(Mick summons the bartender, who refreshes their glasses with cool, refreshing liquid, miscellaneous fruits and vegetables, and a tiny paper parasol. Meanwhile, Rick has been fleshing out his theory about people and sunflowers.<\/em>)<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\n(Taking his drink<\/em>) Cheers. So the more I think about my theory, the more it seems right.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nAnd you\u2019re going to explain it to me, aren\u2019t you.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nYeah. Okay?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nOkay\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nSo\u2026 people are like sunflowers. They follow the bright sunshine because suntans make them look more attractive, and looking more attractive increases their chances of\u2026 perpetuating the human race. And once they\u2019ve\u2026 been pollinated\u2014actually, after they\u2019ve had kids\u2014they\u2019ve done their duty, so they don\u2019t do the whole heliotropic thing anymore.
\nIn fact\u2026 the analogy goes further. Cuz after the sunflower\u2019s stopped heliotropifying\u2026 heliotropating\u2026 heliotropizing\u2026 oh whatever\u2026 once they\u2019re done following the sun, they get all big and droopy and tired-looking. It\u2019s like they stop taking care of their appearance\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nIs that why Tracey\u2019s all big and droopy\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nCareful! You\u2019re no strapping young bloom yourself Mick!
\nAnd your tubes are tied.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nDo sunflowers get their tubes tied?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\n(Sighing<\/em>) Only if they don\u2019t want bees buzzing around them anymore.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nHmmm\u2026 Makes sense.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nY\u2019know; I think I\u2019m going to write to some nature magazine to see if they\u2019re interested in my theory.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nOr maybe you could get the National Enquirer to do a story about sunflower sex and how you can tell they\u2019re in the family way by checking to see if they\u2019re following the sun.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\n\u2026because National Enquirer readers are so much more into sunflower sex than they are about people sex!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\n(Finishing his drink<\/em>) Y\u2019know what? I\u2019m going to ask Tracey if she\u2019d like to come down on the beach and helio\u2026thingy for me. Might be just the thing to liven up our marriage.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nSure! Off you go Mick! Don’t spill your sunflower seeds!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Mick<\/td>\nWhat do you mean?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Rick<\/td>\nOh, nothing! (Mutters quietly<\/em>) Pretty sure you\u2019ll have more luck asking her if she wants to share a bag of chips.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Many thanks to the “POTGs” (you know who you are!) for the idea and concept.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Interesting fact: Sunflowers turn to face the sun in order to maximize photosynthesis and to encourage the insects that are necessary for pollination to occur. Mature sunflowers that have been pollinated no longer follow the sun. Scene: a bar in a sun-kissed holiday resort. Mick and Rick, two forty-something guys, are people watching as they sip at their refreshing mid-morning… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181],"tags":[429,431,430,428],"class_list":["post-764","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","tag-heliotropic","tag-people","tag-pollination","tag-sunflowers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/764","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=764"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/764\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1638,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/764\/revisions\/1638"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=764"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=764"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=764"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}