(Note to the uninitiated\u2014\u201cCholmondeley\u201d is pronounced \u201cChumley\u201d. Honest!)<\/p>\n
\u201cPass the maple-rye,\u201d said Tyrone Cholmondley-Wellichuk, the family patriarch. His love of rye whiskey infused with maple syrup was legendary in the circles in which he moved.<\/p>\n
And move in circles is what he frequently did, since one leg was shorter than the other as well as being somewhat paralyzed\u2014the result of a duck-hunting accident in the 1960s.<\/p>\n
Cousin Algernon passed the decanter of whiskey.<\/p>\n
\u201cHell, let\u2019s all have some!\u201d said Randall Wellichuk-Farquart, the oldest at the gathering, but being only stepfather to Tyrone, not the patriarch. \u201cWe can toast this great country with its most famous product!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat, Justin Bieber?\u201d asked Luquass Cholmondeley-Wellichuk, the youngest of the gathered clan.<\/p>\n
\u201cDamned stupid whippersnapper!\u201d returned Randall. \u201cAlthough Bieber\u2019s wet enough behind the ears you could drink from \u2018em. No, I mean maple syrup.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t this mostly rye though, with just a smidgen of maple syrup?\u201d asked Drew, a forty-something poo-disturber, and Tyrone\u2019s son and heir.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s nine parts rye, one part syrup,\u201d interjected Guillaume, the family\u2019s faithful old butler.<\/p>\n
\u201cStill got some<\/em> maple syrup in it!\u201d argued Randall, obstinately.<\/p>\n \u201cDoes it matter?\u201d asked Algernon in an attempt to defuse the developing argument. \u201cLet\u2019s all fill our glasses and drink to the greatest country in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n There were mutterings in favour of and against this, but the fact that alcohol was involved won the day, and in two shakes of a beaver\u2019s tail, the glasses were full.<\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s to Canada\u2014happy birthday!\u201d said Tyrone.<\/p>\n A unison response of \u201cHappy Birthday Canada!\u201d and one shake of a beaver\u2019s tail later, the glasses were empty again.<\/p>\n \u201cWho remembers Canada\u2019s centennial back in 1967?\u201d asked Randall. \u201cWhat about you, Guillaume?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI remember it with fondness sir,\u201d replied Guillaume as he glided from guest to guest re-charging their glasses. \u201cI was butler to Mr. Tyrone\u2019s father at the time, and he was adamant that the family should celebrate in as authentic a Canadian way as possible.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh yes,\u201d said Tyrone, the mists of reminiscence (or was it the rye?) blurring the present scene. \u201cSockeye in seal blubber followed by pemmican followed by elk followed by maple ice cream.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe gentlemen also indulged in Newfoundland Screech, and the ladies were served homemade applejack, I seem to recall,\u201d continued Guillaume.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was the first time I touched alcohol,\u201d confessed Tyrone. \u201cI was twelve at the time.\u201d<\/p>\n Guillaume\u2019s left eyebrow elevated itself almost imperceptibly, a trick he\u2019d learned from watching films and TV shows of Wooster and Jeeves. \u201cI think sir may also recall his visit to his father\u2019s liquor cabinet in 1965? On that occasion, your drinking partner was your father\u2019s parrot, Fletcher. The adventure came to light when Fletcher was discovered in a supine position on the floor of his cage, singing sea shanties.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWith a Canadian accent,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n \u201cAbsolute heathen,\u201d opined Cousin Algernon, whose penchant for the upper-crust English elocution of the 1920s was a source of irritation to the rest of the family. \u201cSea shanties should be sung with a Devonshire or Cornwall accent. Whoever heard of a Canadian sea shanty singer?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhoever heard of a fifth generation Canadian speaking like Noel Coward?\u201d exclaimed Cousin Sheldon. \u201cIf anyone should speak like that, it should be Guillaume, yet he sounds as Canadian as they come.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re just jealous of my cultivated persona, dear boy,\u201d said Algernon dismissively.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m just fed up with your pretentiousness,\u201d retorted Sheldon. \u201cThe notion of sea-farers all speaking in that pseudo-Devonian-Cornish accent is pure Hollywood. Do you think that sailors from Liverpool or Newcastle had to learn that accent before they were allowed to climb the rigging in a howling gale to reef in the sails?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo\u2014but pop singers around the world sing in a pseudo-American accent even though they don\u2019t speak that way. Why couldn\u2019t sailors fake the accent for sea shanties?\u201d said Algernon, thinking incredibly quickly for someone of his inbreeding.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause sailors aren\u2019t pretentious asses like you or shallow copycats like the singers you speak of,\u201d replied Sheldon.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s enough!\u201d yelled Tyrone. \u201cThis is a family gathering, and it\u2019s for a special occasion for Canada. Bury the hatchet, will you, just for one day!\u201d<\/p>\n Young Luquass had been watching and listening, and was feeling left out.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m feeling left out,\u201d said Young Luquass.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d said Drew, wanting in on the conversation also. \u201cDo you think Cousin Algernon is a pretentious ass, or is Cousin Sheldon an intolerant poo disturber?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBoth,\u201d said Young Luquass without a nanosecond\u2019s hesitation. \u201cAlgie acts like he\u2019s got a copy of Debrett\u2019s<\/a> stashed in his backside, and Sheldon\u2019s always looking for a fight. Who cares if it\u2019s Hollywood\u2019s fault that we think pirates spell every word in the English language with seven \u2018r\u2019s? What does it matter if Algie thinks he\u2019s a cut above the rest of us with his hoity-toity accent? And do you remember on New Year\u2019s Eve when Sheldon told Algie that his Cuban cigars had never even seen a Cuban leg let alone been rolled along one? He\u2019s always spoiling things by having to be so right all the time!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Young Luquass,\u201d said Drew. \u201cI suppose I did ask. Now\u2014before I have Guillaume take you out to the stables to be horsewhipped, is there anything you want to say about any other members of the family? Your<\/em> family?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d replied Young Luquass. I may as get it all said now and only get whipped once.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat uncle Tyrone. I can\u2019t decide if you\u2019re a patriot, a jingoist, or a xenophobe. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve got \u201cMade in Canada\u201d tattooed on your backside.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow did he know?\u201d said Tyrone to no one in particular.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Farquart.\u201c<\/p>\n Casey Farquart was Randall\u2019s half-brother, and therefore not a blood relative of the Chalmondley-Wellichuks.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not a real member of this family. You\u2019re only here because Grandpa Randall married into the family. You\u2019re boring. You have very little to say, and when you do say something, you dig a hole for yourself that requires a search and rescue team to get you out of.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s best I don\u2019t respond to that then!\u201d spluttered Casey, his anger betrayed by his nervous habit of repeatedly pushing his dentures half out of his mouth.<\/p>\n \u201cUncle Drew. You\u2019re my favourite uncle, but only because there\u2019s so little competition. Oh, and also because I\u2019m hoping you won\u2019t have any children and will make me the beneficiary in your will and heir to your fortune.<\/p>\n \u201cAlthough now I\u2019ve said that, I\u2019ve probably ruined my chances of that.\u201d<\/p>\n Drew drew himself up to his full height, drew breath, and spoke.<\/p>\n \u201cYoung Luquass. You\u2019ve spoken your mind, and you did so in a mature and erudite fashion. I would never have known about my father\u2019s posterior tattoo if it wasn\u2019t for you, and I\u2019m going to have to Google \u2018Debrett\u2019s\u2019 to find out what it is. That all took courage, and that\u2019s a noble Canadian trait. I\u2019d be proud to name you heir to my fortune, but I don\u2019t have one yet\u2014I have to wait for Grandpa Tyrone to take his dirt nap first.<\/p>\n \u201cOh. And there\u2019s one other impediment to you being named my heir, and telling you provides me with the opportunity to announce something to the whole family.\u201d<\/p>\n He paused for effect.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd Casey.<\/p>\n \u201cIn January, I secretly married my childhood sweetheart, Guillaume\u2019s granddaughter, Marie-Claire. \u201c<\/p>\n Guillaume beamed a smile from ear to ear, despite his years of training and decades of experience.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy? Because the child she was expecting is mine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid you say \u2018was\u2019?\u201d said Tyrone.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, father, \u2018was\u2019. You may have wondered where I was this morning. Well, I was in the servants\u2019 quarters supporting her as she gave birth.<\/p>\n \u201cI have a son. Nemo Guillaume. Born on Canada Day.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCongratulations!\u201d said everyone except Young Luquass in their various ways.<\/p>\n \u201cShit!\u201d said Young Luquass in his own particular way. \u201cNo inherited fortune for me then,\u201d he continued.<\/p>\n \u201cNever mind, Young Luquass,\u201d said Guillaume. \u201cHave some maple taffy.\u201d<\/p>\n Guillaume turned to Tyrone. \u201cShall I break out the Screech and Applejack in order that every one may \u2018wet the baby\u2019s head\u2019, so to speak, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think so, Guillaume,\u201d replied Tyrone. \u201cAfter all, how else should we celebrate the birth of my grandson and your great-grandson on the hundred-and-fiftieth anniversary of Canada\u2019s birth?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCertainly not with Molson Canadian, sir!\u201d said Guillaume.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll drink to that!\u201d said Tyrone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Note to the uninitiated\u2014\u201cCholmondeley\u201d is pronounced \u201cChumley\u201d. Honest!) \u201cPass the maple-rye,\u201d said Tyrone Cholmondley-Wellichuk, the family patriarch. His love of rye whiskey infused with maple syrup was legendary in the circles in which he moved. And move in circles is what he frequently did, since one leg was shorter than the other as well as being somewhat paralyzed\u2014the result of… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[41,487],"tags":[383,384,385,386],"class_list":["post-696","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-notable-dates","category-stories","tag-canada-150","tag-canada-day","tag-celebration","tag-upper-class-twits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/696","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=696"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/696\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1625,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/696\/revisions\/1625"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=696"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=696"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=696"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}