{"id":624,"date":"2017-05-15T00:01:14","date_gmt":"2017-05-15T06:01:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=624"},"modified":"2020-03-04T15:50:43","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T22:50:43","slug":"the-latest-fashion-accessory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/05\/15\/the-latest-fashion-accessory\/","title":{"rendered":"The Latest Fashion Accessory"},"content":{"rendered":"

News item<\/a>:<\/strong>\u00a0 Luxury fashion house Balenciaga launches US$2100 tote that looks like IKEA\u2019s $0.99 \u201cFrakta\u201d bag.<\/h4>\n

The marketing department of I Can\u2019t Believe It\u2019s Not Prada Fashion Inc.<\/em> (ICBINP, pronounced \u201cIck-bee-inp\u201d) was holding a crisis meeting.<\/p>\n

Six of the most un-conservatively-dressed people on the planet sat around a table shaped like Italy, waiting for the Vice President to speak. She herself was dressed in a blue leather dress that failed to reach her knees by approximately thirteen inches. Her top was an interesting shock of orange floral patterns\u2014in the plural. The left sleeve was dahlias from shoulder to elbow, while the right sleeve was lilies all the way to the wrist. Holding them together (or perhaps keeping them separated) was the bodice; a mixture of chrysanthemums and autumn leaves. With her red and white dreadlocks, the VP was pure fashionista from head to thirteen inches above the knee.<\/p>\n

The effect was, however, somewhat spoiled by her calf-length, plaid carpet slippers.<\/p>\n

\u201cTeam\u2014we are in crisis,\u201d said Sadie-Trix (for that was what she was known by; although her parents still called her Pauline, believing\u2014wrongly\u2014that Sadie-Trix was a portmanteau of \u201cSadist\u201d and \u201cDominatrix\u201d).<\/p>\n

She paused to let sink in the gravity of her statement of the obvious.<\/p>\n

\u201cBalenciaga has pulled the rug out from under our feet and the feet of all their other competitors. They\u2019ve designed a twenty-one hundred dollar version of IKEA\u2019s Frakta blue bag. And it\u2019s cornered the market. We haven\u2019t shipped a single unit of our lunchbox purses for three weeks, and our Toilet Roll Tote might just as well\u2026 be used as toilet paper, for all the interest it\u2019s attracting right now.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need the next Fashionista Frakta, so I hope you\u2019ve come with your ideas!\u201d<\/p>\n

Gilbert (pronounced the French way), head of the Buying Trends team, piped up.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about a designer bookshelf? Ikea\u2019s Billy bookshelves are everywhere\u2014on average, every home in the developed world has at least two. What if we came up with our own version of that\u2014y\u2019know, sequins down the front edges, leather-covered shelves, funky-shaped embellishments on the top\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA bookshelf is not a fashion accessory, Gilbert,\u201d replied Sadie-Trix, pronouncing his name the English way to put the pretentious git in his place. \u201cYou can take a handbag or a purse clubbing with you, where everyone sees you with it. That\u2019s one reason the Belenciaga bag is such a hit\u2014you can keep your eye on it from a mile away. Who\u2019s going to take a bookshelf clubbing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we called it the \u2018Billy Club\u2019?\u201d suggested Gilbert.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you kdding!\u201d chimed in Davide, the team\u2019s unofficial Faux Pas Catcher. You do know what a billy club is, don\u2019t you? It\u2019s a night stick. A truncheon. A cosh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u2026\u201d said Gilbert, quietly.<\/p>\n

Sadie-Trix took the helm again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need a fashion accessory that imitates something dirt cheap but which we can charge a couple of thou\u2019 for. So handbags, purses, shoes, hats\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about coke bottle flip flops?\u201d offered Gabriella-Lam\u00e9, Sadie-Trix\u2019s PA, sitting at the heel of the Italy-shaped table.<\/p>\n

The entire Italian coastline turned to look at her, silently waiting for more.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d she said nervously, \u201cwe create flip flops that look like coke bottles cut in half from top to bottom. The neck of the bottle would be the toe, and the knobby bottom of the bottle would be where your heel goes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have any idea how much Coca Cola would sue us for?\u201d said Davide.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we paid them for the use of the name and design?\u201d said Gabriella-Lam\u00e9, her voice getting smaller and smaller as her confidence deserted her.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd eat into our margins?\u201d said Sadie-Trix, contemptuously. \u201cCome on guys\u2014we need ideas!\u201d<\/p>\n

The suggestion \u201cSoup can sandals?\u201d floated down from the Leaning Tower of Pisa.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll sound like two skeletons copulating on a tin roof when you walk in them,\u201d scoffed Davide.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou stole that!\u201d returned Pisa. \u201cSir Thomas Beecham said it about the harpsichord.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t take away from the complete idiocy of your idea though,\u201d said Davide.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy the hell are we concerning ourselves with quotes by someone that\u2019s been dead for nearly sixty years!\u201d yelled Sadie-Trix. \u201cWhere are the ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBaseball caps designed like the coronation crown?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDitty bags with faux naval insignia?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBaseball caps that double up as a KKK hood?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLimited market,\u201d growled Sadie-Trix.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut growing in the USA currently,\u201d Davide reminded the meeting.<\/p>\n

\u201cPoop emoji handbag?\u201d This was from Horace, the brochure compiler, stationed in Naples.<\/p>\n

\u201cGive me more\u2026\u201d said Sadie-Trix, despite herself.<\/p>\n

Horace stalled, shocked and surprised that he had the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cUhm\u2026 well\u2026 it\u2019s a great shape for a handbag. It\u2019s novel. It\u2019d be a great talking point. And Patrick Stewart\u2019s voicing the poop emoji on the Emoji movie; we could ride the popularity wave of the film.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cComments?\u201d Sadie-Trix was definitely intrigued.<\/p>\n

There were a few mutters that seemed to indicate that the team hated the idea but couldn\u2019t come up with a good reason.<\/p>\n

\u201cWon\u2019t we be handing our arses to our competitors on a plate though?\u201d said Gilbert. \u201cThey\u2019d be saying something like, \u2018Ha! Ink-bee-inp has launched a handbag that looks like shit\u2014because it is!\u2019 and we\u2019ll have no comeback for that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

There it was. Gilbert had saved the day, and the enthusiasm of the \u201chear, hears\u201d and \u201cgood points\u201d proved it.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay; we\u2019re back to square one,\u201d said Sadie-Trix. \u201cCome on\u2014ideas; ideas!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHandbag that looks like a brown paper bag?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlready been done.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHandbag like a dead cat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s been done too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHandbag like a black garbage bag?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo big.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPurse like a matchbox?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo small.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHandbag like a Ziploc\u2122 bag?\u201d<\/p>\n

A chorus of \u201cooh!\u201ds swept around the Italian coast.<\/p>\n

And then refinement suggestions started flowing like gut rot moonshine from a leaky still.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt could have a transparent outer layer, and artwork on the lining that looks like food\u2014sandwiches or chicken drumsticks; or chilli con carne\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWouldn\u2019t chilli look just like poop in a bag though?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would the strap look like?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWould we use a plastic zipper as the clasp for the handbag?\u201d<\/p>\n

The excitement was intoxicating\u2014they were clearly on to something. Sadie-Trix called the meeting to order.<\/p>\n

\u201cAny other ideas?\u201d She paused. \u201cOkay, let\u2019s get the feasibility and design done. Three days, people. I want mock-ups, sales predictions, and projected return on investment. Go go go!\u201d<\/p>\n

And so they went. They designed. They mocked. They predicted. They projected.<\/p>\n

And they launched the ZippityPurse<\/em> handbag to great acclaim.<\/p>\n

Six weeks later, a rival company launched its emoji-inspired PoopBag<\/em> purse. The fashion-and-fads sheeple thought it was absolutely fabulous, and flocked to buy one.<\/p>\n

Interest in the ZippityPurse<\/em> handbag waned, and sales tanked.<\/p>\n

Still, six weeks was a good run for the ZippityPurse<\/em> handbag.<\/p>\n

I guess.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

News item:\u00a0 Luxury fashion house Balenciaga launches US$2100 tote that looks like IKEA\u2019s $0.99 \u201cFrakta\u201d bag. The marketing department of I Can\u2019t Believe It\u2019s Not Prada Fashion Inc. (ICBINP, pronounced \u201cIck-bee-inp\u201d) was holding a crisis meeting. Six of the most un-conservatively-dressed people on the planet sat around a table shaped like Italy, waiting for the Vice President to speak. She… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[489,487],"tags":[352,353,354,351,355],"class_list":["post-624","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-scat","category-stories","tag-balenciaga","tag-fashion","tag-faux-marketing","tag-frakta","tag-ziploc"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/624","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=624"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/624\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1594,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/624\/revisions\/1594"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=624"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=624"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=624"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}