{"id":615,"date":"2017-05-01T00:01:49","date_gmt":"2017-05-01T06:01:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=615"},"modified":"2020-03-04T15:50:55","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T22:50:55","slug":"caution-student-car-thief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/05\/01\/caution-student-car-thief\/","title":{"rendered":"Caution\u2014Student Car Thief"},"content":{"rendered":"

(This piece will be make most sense if you know about the following two news stories, and take the time to read my January 2017 piece, \u201cReturning a Long-overdue Library Book<\/a>\u201d)<\/p>\n

News item<\/a>: Eight-year old boy learns to drive on YouTube for McDonald’s joyride
\nNews item<\/a>: Boy aged 12 drives himself 1,300km across Australia<\/p>\n

After reading these two news articles, it occurred to me that The Flying Bottle Elementary School (the establishment in South London, England, where I\u2019d recently returned a book I\u2019d inherited that had been borrowed 120 years previously) might be interested in them. So I phoned the school librarian, Ms. McSingh-O\u2019Schmidt-D\u2019Estang. She \u201cwasn\u2019t interested\u201d in reading the articles, but promised me that she\u2019d get the English teacher, Kylie Three-Buzzards-Feeding, to read them to her.<\/p>\n

A day or two later, I was excited to receive a call with a UK-looking number, and picked up the phone.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Hello.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0All right mate? My name\u2019s \u2018Arry Redknapp.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0What; the former West Ham United midfielder and manager?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why the eff would \u2018e be callin\u2019 you? Nah\u2014I\u2019m \u2018Arry Redknapp the Drivers\u2019 Ed teacher at The Flyin\u2019 Bottle Prime-ry Skool.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0A driver\u2019s Education teacher in England? At a primary or elementary school? That\u2019s\u2026 unusual.<\/p>\n

(We then indulged in small talk, before diving into the main agenda.)<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So\u2026 Harry. Am I right in assuming that the articles I told Ms. McSingh-O\u2019Schmidt-D\u2019Estang about have piqued your interest?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Wotted my interest?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0(Remembering my communication troubles with Ms. McS.<\/em>) I assume you fought the stories abaht young kids driving motuhs were dead good, eh?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Too right mate. In fact, I\u2019ve already decided we\u2019re gonna do a project based on \u2018em.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Do tell.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Well\u2026 our year four kids need some direction. They\u2019re usually out nicking cars by the age of nine, but they barely get an \u2018undred yards dahn the road before they stack the car up a lamp post or summat.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I can easily imagine that\u2026<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So I\u2019ve designed an Easter \u2018oliday project for \u2018em, ain\u2019t I.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m beside myself with anticipation and curiosity.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0They\u2019re all gonna learn \u2018ow to drive proper like by watchin\u2019 Youtubes that week, then we\u2019re gonna test \u2018em when they get back.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0How are you going to test them?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0We\u2019re gonna give them all standard school-issue car unlocking kits, and send \u2018em out on a challenge. They aff to choose a car, get in it, \u2018n\u2019 drive it as far away from where they started as possible.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0In south London?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0No\u2014effin\u2019 Timbuktu! Of course in sahf Lundon!<\/p>\n

Me: \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0And how will you award marks?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Well, first off, the posher the car, the more marks. So a Merk would be wurf more than a Ford Fiesta, and a Rolls\u2019d be wurf more\u2019n a Lambo.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Do you get many Lamborghinis down the Old Kent Road?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0More than you\u2019d fink mate!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So how else will they earn marks?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Distance travelled. They aff to make it out of London to get a passin\u2019 mark. Then if they make it to, say, Birmingham or Dover, they get extra marks.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Anything else?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0They aff to make a video of themselves usin\u2019 the drive-frew at as many McDonalds\u2019 as possible. Y\u2019know\u2014like that kid an\u2019 \u2018is sister did in\u2026 (here he paused, in a superhuman attempt to pronounce an aitch<\/em>) O\u2026hhhhio.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0What if they run out of gas… I mean, petrol?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Well, they go and get more, don\u2019 they. They get marks for doing that as well. An\u2019 if they drive off wivout payin\u2019, they get bonus marks.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Do you think that a nine- or ten-year old kid putting petrol in a Rolls Royce might attract attention?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0That\u2019s why they get so many extra marks\u2014for the risk they\u2019re takin\u2019!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Sounds a fascinating concept. Hey\u2014do you mind if I check in with you at the end of April to see how it went?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u2018Course you can mate!<\/p>\n

We lapsed into more small talk, and then said our goodbyes.<\/p>\n

I called the school a few days after the test was scheduled to run, and spoke to Mr. Redknapp again. After the usual pleasantries, I asked him how the project went.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0We \u2018ad a few teevin\u2019 problems, ditn\u2019t we.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Such as\u2026<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Well, fer a kickoff, most of them Youtubes are for American moatahs, ain\u2019t they. They drive on the wrong side of the road, and their moatahs don\u2019t avv no gear stick or clutch.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Aahhh\u2026 so your pupils first had to locate vehicles with automatic transmission.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u2018Sright.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0And then they had to work out how to drive on the \u201ccorrect\u201d side of the road.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u2018Sright. So \u2018arf of \u2018em ditn\u2019t even find a veekle, did they!
\nBut a couple of \u2018em learned to drive stick-shift from their big bruvvers or their mum\u2019s boyfriend\u2026<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I hope you gave them extra marks for showing initiative\u2026<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Showin\u2019 wot?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Never mind. Carry on.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So those kids did really well. One of \u2018em got all the way to the McDonalds just off the M62 sahf of Leeds. Silly sod ran out of petrol at the pick-up window though.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Any other success stories?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Not sure. We\u2019ve lost one pupil. We know \u2018e made it across the English Channel on the ferry, and there was an alleged sighting in Ankara\u2026<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Are the kids\u2019 parents worried or upset?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Nah. In fact, \u2018is stepdad gave him petrol money. Well, when I say \u201cmoney\u201d, I mean \u2018e gave \u2018im a credit card \u2018e\u2019d nicked that day.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So surely, all you have to do is cancel the credit card and then he won\u2019t be able to go any further. He\u2019ll have to call home.<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0You jokin\u2019? Fer a kickoff, \u2018is mum would go ballistic, accusin\u2019 us of denyin\u2019 \u2018im the chance of getting\u2019 a really good mark. Plus, we\u2019re all interested in \u2018ow far \u2018e can get.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So\u2026 is the school looking upon this as a successful project and test?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Eff yes! The kids\u2019ve learned so many life lessons wiv it. It\u2019ll increase their chances of survival in the urban jungle no end.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The what?<\/p>\n

He:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Never mind. Anyway\u2014must go; the cops\u2019ve just pulled up. I fink they might avv our missing kid in the back of the car. Nice talkin\u2019 to ya.<\/p>\n

And with that, he hung up.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve scoured all the news outlets I can think of that might have carried the story of these pre-teen driving antics, but found nothing. Perhaps Mr. Redknapp was having me on.<\/p>\n

But true or not, his tales of woe about US-oriented driving instruction videos made me wonder: what kind of interest might there be on YouTube for videos, narrated by a British Canadian with an appalling cockney accent, that teach you how to drive a manual transmission car in south London?<\/p>\n

Old Kent Road, here I come!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(This piece will be make most sense if you know about the following two news stories, and take the time to read my January 2017 piece, \u201cReturning a Long-overdue Library Book\u201d) News item: Eight-year old boy learns to drive on YouTube for McDonald’s joyride News item: Boy aged 12 drives himself 1,300km across Australia After reading these two news articles,… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,486],"tags":[340,341,342],"class_list":["post-615","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-scripts","tag-child-driver","tag-flying-bottle","tag-mcdonalds-drive-thru"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=615"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1627,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615\/revisions\/1627"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=615"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=615"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=615"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}