{"id":523,"date":"2017-01-20T16:14:28","date_gmt":"2017-01-20T23:14:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=523"},"modified":"2018-08-27T23:52:34","modified_gmt":"2018-08-28T05:52:34","slug":"returning-a-long-overdue-library-book","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2017\/01\/20\/returning-a-long-overdue-library-book\/","title":{"rendered":"Returning a Long-overdue Library Book"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cOverdue library book returned to school 120 years late\u201d ran the headline <\/a>on the BBC\u2019s Hereford and Worcester news website in December 2016. The granddaughter of a pupil of the Hereford Cathedral School found the book in her collection and realized that it should have been returned sometime between 1886 and 1894. Late return fines (currently \u00a30.17 per day) would have amounted to around CAD$10,000 at current exchange rates.<\/p>\n

I decided to look at my own collection of inherited books, and to my shock and surprise, discovered a copy of Mrs. Arkwright\u2019s Domestic Management Manual<\/em> in a box along with dusty, yellowed copies of The Daily Bugle<\/em> newspaper and Street Sweepers\u2019 Monthly<\/em> magazines. On the inside front cover, the crest of \u201cCoalscuttle Street Private School\u201d was emblazoned, with the address of that noble establishment printed beneath. On the inside back cover was a series of handwritten \u201cout\u201d and \u201cin\u201d dates, the most recent of which was an \u201cout\u201d date\u20141st April 1817.<\/p>\n

My family had acquired the box containing this collection from the lodger of a step-uncle on my maternal step-great-great-step-grandmother\u2019s side in the 1820s. The lodger had apparently died while trying to sweep road apples up from between the legs of a particularly short-tempered dray horse on the Old Kent Road (back when it was just the Kent Road) in London.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Arkwright\u2019s book was a precursor to the more popular Mrs. Beeton, according to www.reallyoldboringbooks.co.uk, and I thought it might therefore have some historical value.<\/p>\n

Using my advanced web surfing skills, I discovered that the Coalscuttle Street Private School had been compulsorily integrated into the state school system in 1944 and renamed Flying Bottle Primary School. Somehow the building had survived the war, although it has since been demolished and a new school built on the opposite side of Coalscuttle Street.<\/p>\n

The local school authority\u2019s website had contact information for the school, so I decided to return the book during my decadal Christmas visit to England. I asked at the school office to speak to the Librarian, and once I\u2019d explained what a Librarian was, was directed to a room a little way down a corridor. I entered.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Ms. McSingh-O\u2019Schmidt-D\u2019Estang?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0What\u2019s \u2018e done now?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Scott\u2014\u2018e\u2019s always puttin\u2019 the boot in at pre-school. I tried \u2018im wiv soft squidgy indoor shoes, but \u2018e still manages to lay the kids aht wiv \u2018em.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m not here about your son, Ms\u2026.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Scott ain\u2019t my son. \u2018E\u2019s me boyfriend innee. \u2018E works at the daycare.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Ah. (I paused to consider how best to change the subject.) The lady in the school office told me that you\u2019re the school librarian, and\u2026<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The wot!?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The libr\u2026 (and here I adopted my long-neglected East London accent) The bint wot looks ahftuh the skule books.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Right. Yeah. That\u2019s me. Why didn\u2019t ya say that instead of \u201cLabian\u201d or wotever it was.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cLibrarian\u201d.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Wotevv\u2026<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I have a book here that belongs to the school. It wasn\u2019t returned by the pupil who borrowed it.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I wondered where Pipe Bombs for Pre-teens<\/em> \u2018ad gone. Gissit \u2018ere.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Actually, it\u2019s Mrs. Arkwright\u2019s Domestic Management Manual<\/em>.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0O-h-h-h-h. Mrs. Arkwright\u2019s classroom is down there, second on the left. She teaches Graffiti.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Allow me to explain further.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0O-k-a-y\u2026<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0This book\u2019s title<\/em> is Mrs. Arkwright\u2019s Domestic Management Manual<\/em>, and it was borrowed from this school\u2019s predecessor, Coalscuttle Street Private School, in 1817.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why didn\u2019t you say? Now I understan\u2019\u2014you\u2019re just a complete and utter effin\u2019 ‘eadcase!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0(opening the book and showing the school crest) Flying Bottle Primary School used to be called Coal Scuttle Street Private School\u2026<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Oh very poash<\/em>\u2014how la-de-da!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u2026and the lodger of a very distant ancestor of mine was a pupil there in the 1810s. He must have borrowed this book from the school library and either forgot to return it or deliberately kept it.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0And I care because\u2026<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0It\u2019s school property of course.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0P\u2019zession\u2019s nine tenfs of the fingymabob\u2014you\u2019ve got it, it\u2019s yours.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0No, no no! That\u2019s not how it works. I live by the Golden Rule, and because I\u2019d expect people to return my property to me if they found it, I must return this to its rightful owner. The Flying Bottle Primary School.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Lessavvalook. (She plucked the book unceremoniously from my grasp, and opened it.)
\nChrist! It doan ahf pen and ink!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Old books do have a characteristic smell; I actually like it.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Each to \u2018is own. So\u2026 where\u2019s the barcode?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Barcode?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Yeah. Wivout a barcode I can\u2019t do anyfink wiv it.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0It\u2019s two hundred years old! Barcodes weren\u2019t invented then!<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Really? \u2018Ow d\u2019ya know?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Because there was no technology around to read them!<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Okay Mr. Knowitall; if they ditn\u2019t avv barcodes, \u2018ow did they know which shelf to put the book on?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0My guess is that they would have shelved the books alphabetically, by title.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Alfawhotickly?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0(Beginning to see the enormity of the task before me) Never mind. They would have put all the blue books together and all the black ones on another shelf\u2026<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0That makes sense\u2026 \u2018Ere! It ain\u2019t got no ISBN eevuh!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0(Sighing) No. I\u2019m sorry. (I paused to think of a plausible explanation that I thought she would understand.) A bookworm got into it last week while I was watching Big Brother<\/em> on the telly and it ate the page with the ISBN on.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Well, you\u2019ll avv to pay for the damage, y\u2019know. And then there\u2019s the late return fines. Lemme see\u2026 It was due back on April 1st 1817. Let\u2019s just call that 200 years late, eh?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why not?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0So 200 years at 365 days per year, plus 50 leap years, that makes seventy-free fahsand and fifty days. Lates are charged seventeen pee per day this year, wiv free percent per year penalties on previous years\u2019 outstandin\u2019 fines. Let\u2019s say inflation \u2018as been on average two percent per year for the last two \u2018undred years\u2026 Bugger! I need me calculator fer this one.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Your mental arithmetic isn\u2019t up to calculating interest on an amount that you have to determine by retroactively removing inflation?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Wot?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Just admiring your calculator, Ms. McSingh-O\u2019Schmidt-D\u2019Estang.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Nice, innit? Scott nicked it from W. H. Smiffs.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Tucked it in his inflatable bootees, did he?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u2018Course not! They\u2019re \u2018is indoor shoes. Right. If I\u2019m not mistaken, you owe me nine fousand, five \u2018undred and sixty-six pound and firty-seven pee.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Do you take Mastercard?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Is it yours?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Of course it is!<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0That\u2019s what they all say! Cash or\u2026 your iPhone with the unlock code.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0That\u2019s outrageous!<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Take it or leave it\u2026<\/p>\n

Here, she picked up the book and started thumbing through it.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Bleedin\u2019 \u2018ell! It says \u2018ere that to \u2018elp a person who\u2019s nearly drownded, you stick the end of a pair of bellows up \u2018is nose and blow like buggery!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Yes, it was an early attempt to provide advice on artificial respiration.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Y\u2019know wot? If it\u2019s got any more ideas like that in \u2018ere, it\u2019ll be the most popular book in the school! So many new ways to mug people!<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I don\u2019t think that\u2019s what it\u2019s intended for.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0(She thumbed a little further through the book) Where\u2019s the pictures?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0It was very difficult and expensive to add illustrations to books before the twentieth century.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Oh\u2026 right\u2026 they ditn\u2019t avv Photoshop back then, did they.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0No\u2026 (sighing deeply) All they had was Microsoft Paint\u2026 back then.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Yeah. S\u2019pose you\u2019re right. Anyway; wivout pictures, this book\u2019s no good to us. Tell ya wot? Why don\u2019t you take it to my bruvvah\u2019s Rare and Collectible Bookshop on the Old Kent Road? You never know, it might be wurf a few bob.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Are you sure? I mean, if it is worth money, perhaps the school should benefit from it? You could buy something that would benefit the children.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Great idea! Some of the tasers \u2018av bin acting up lately\u2014p\u2019raps we can get new ones.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Sounds a little draconian.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Wot?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Great idea\u2014I\u2019m sure the teachers will appreciate better tools to maintain classroom control with.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0The tasers ain\u2019t fer the teachers\u2014the kids use \u2018em to get the teacher\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0(Eyeing the open doorway nervously) Well, I must be going. I\u2019ll just leave this book here on the desk, shall I?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u2018kay. See ya.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Bye.<\/p>\n

As I left, I passed a lady carrying a small package, which emitted an aroma very much like that of an old book. Curious, I stopped to listen.<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Ms. McSingh-O\u2019Schmidt-D\u2019Estang?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0What\u2019s \u2018e done now?<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Scott\u2014\u2018e\u2019s always puttin\u2019 the boot in at pre-school. I tried \u2018im wiv soft squidgy indoor shoes, but \u2018e still manages to lay the kids aht wiv \u2018em.<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m not here about your son, Ms\u2026.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Scott ain\u2019t my son. \u2018E\u2019s me boyfriend innee. \u2018E works at the daycare.<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Ah. Uhm\u2026 I wanted to return a book that an ancestor of mine borrowed a long time ago. It\u2019s called Mrs. Arkwright\u2019s Domestic Management Manual<\/em>.<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Borrowed somewhere around 1817?<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Why yes; how did you know?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0That\u2019s why they pay me the big money \u2018ere. So the late return fine is nine fousand, five \u2018undred and sixty-six pound and firty-seven pee.<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Which I assume is a number plucked from the air?<\/p>\n

She:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Nah. Do the riffmetic yerself.<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0In any case, I wasn\u2019t expecting to pay any fine. I just thought it right and proper that I should return it.<\/p>\n

At this point, I felt compelled to return to the classroom and join in the conversation.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Excuse me: I couldn\u2019t help overhearing. By an amazing coincidence, I returned a copy of the same book not five minutes ago!<\/p>\n

Lady:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0There\u2019s no such thing as coincidence\u2026<\/p>\n

And then a well-known reality show host popped out from a nearby broom cupboard and said, \u201cCongratulations both of you! You\u2019ve won the top prize in this week\u2019s \u2018The Golden Rule\u2019! You didn\u2019t know it, but we planted those books in your houses for you to find. Inside, there are tiny GPS tracking devices that tell us where the book is. The only amazing coincidence here is that both of you arrived at the same time!\u201d<\/p>\n

As he was speaking, I spotted a camera operator. He was crouching behind the teacher\u2019s body armour cabinet. My aversion to reality shows is well-known, and I left no doubt about it when the camera operator discovered that small format video cameras aren\u2019t small enough for where his ended up.<\/p>\n

Which is why I\u2019m writing this article from the nearby police station.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cOverdue library book returned to school 120 years late\u201d ran the headline on the BBC\u2019s Hereford and Worcester news website in December 2016. The granddaughter of a pupil of the Hereford Cathedral School found the book in her collection and realized that it should have been returned sometime between 1886 and 1894. Late return fines (currently \u00a30.17 per day) would… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,486,487],"tags":[278,277,279],"class_list":["post-523","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-scripts","category-stories","tag-bellows","tag-overdue-books","tag-primary-school"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/523","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=523"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/523\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=523"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=523"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=523"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}