(Note to the uninitiated\u2014\u201cCholmondeley\u201d is pronounced \u201cChumley\u201d. Honest!)<\/p>\n
The old year had been unceremoniously booted out the door, down the street, and over a convenient cliff nearby. The new year had been welcomed with open arms, ringing bells, popping fireworks, and as much general enthusiasm as a group of people who had celebrated the New Year exactly the same way for the last fifty-three years could muster.<\/p>\n
In keeping with the Cholmondeley-Wellichuk dynasty\u2019s tradition, they\u2019d sat down to New Year breakfast at precisely 00:05hrs, the strains of Auld Lang Syne (played on the bagpipes) ringing in their ears and the echoes of noisemakers ricocheting around their slightly inbred crania.<\/p>\n
The menu was always the same, honouring the family\u2019s lineage as well as the past century or so of its Canadian history. It started with orange-and-poteen spritzers, the favourite beverage of Seamus O\u2019Cholmondeley, a leading light in the Orangemen of Ulster in the 1700s. Next came kedgeree-in-a-blanket, a dish created in India as a tribute to the Wellichuk-Gill family alliance in the 1870s.<\/p>\n
The centrepiece of the meal was the full Canadian-English breakfast; eggs (loon eggs), bacon (actually cured beaver hock), magic mushrooms, tomaytoes, tomahtoes, moose kidney, wieners, and beavertail. The family\u2019s Ukranian heritage was honoured with the fourth course\u2014cabbage and saskatoon berry pierogies served with cheese curds and gravy.<\/p>\n
Dessert was maple taffy, made outside in the snow by Guillaume the faithful old butler while the fast-breakers were force-feeding pierogies to each other.<\/p>\n
When the final piece of taffy had been consumed, Tyrone Cholmondeley-Wellichuk, the family patriarch, stood up and announced, \u201cGentlemen, you may now smoke.\u201d And it being an occasion where ignoring family tradition would have been a shootable offence, cousin Algernon responded, \u201cAnd ladies, you may merely smoulder.\u201d There was much polite snorting and guffawing (as was traditional), and the Cholmondeley-Wellichuk males retired to the room reserved for human infumation.<\/p>\n
Algernon pulled out his e-cigar and fired it up. The pungent smell of perspiring Cuban female thighs wafted around the room.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely mahvelous how they were able to make the aroma so authentic, don\u2019t y\u2019think?\u201d opined Algernon, betraying his penchant for the upper-crust English elocution of the 1920s.<\/p>\n
\u201cY\u2019know that\u2019s a myth, Algie;\u201d returned Sheldon Wellichuk-Cholmondeley (whose dyslexic father had caused the reversal of Sheldon\u2019s last names at birth registration). \u201cCreated for suckers like you to fantasize about while you smoke yourselves to death.\u201d Never one to mince his words, Sheldon\u2014a non-smoker\u2014was\u00a0 skating on very thin ice in his present company.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love these new-fangled things!\u201d wheezed Randall Wellichuk-Farquart, activating his e-pipe. Randall was only the step<\/em>father of Tyrone Cholmondeley-Wellichuk and therefore had been denied patriarchal status. \u201cIn my day, you could still get buffalo chip tobacco; now that<\/em> was a satisfying smoke! But the buffaloes had to go and make themselves all but extinct, and regular cow chips ain\u2019t near<\/em> as good! But these e-smoax doohickeys taste and smell more like buffalo chips than the real thing!\u201d<\/p>\n The smell of buffalo ordure mingled with the heady perfume of sweaty Hispanic upper legs to produce a very cosmopolitan aroma. The effect was intoxicating, and the mood of the assemblage\u2014already having got a head start on the intoxication stakes\u2014mellowed further.<\/p>\n \u201cY\u2019know, with all these e-smokes we\u2019re smoking here, it makes you wonder what\u2019s real and what\u2019s not,\u201d drawled Casey Farquart, Randy\u2019s half-brother. \u201cHere we\u2019ve got Cuban tobacco leaves infused with Cuban maiden sweat, and,\u201d he gestured towards Randall, \u201chere we\u2019ve got Bison bison<\/em> scat\u2026 yet none of it is real. Makes you wonder if they should abandon the whole traditional thing and get us hooked on new tastes and smells to match the technology.\u201d<\/p>\n The group paused in various stages of inhalation and exhalation to consider the words of the heretic.<\/p>\n The silence became uncomfortable.<\/p>\n An e-cigarette beeped its impending shutdown, displaying a countdown in the mouthpiece.<\/p>\n Casey felt the need to continue digging the hole he\u2019d just started.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s the point of a cee-garr smelling of Havanan femur glow? We know that the juice in these things hasn\u2019t been within a couple thousand miles of Cuba. It was probably mixed by a robot in some Chinese mega factory.\u201d<\/p>\n Drew Cholmondeley-Wellichuk, who was leaning nonchalantly on the mantle, decided to spur Casey on.<\/p>\n \u201cSo what are you suggesting? That the e-smoax marketing people get us champing at the bit for the smell of robot oil or something?\u201d<\/p>\n Casey\u2019s face flushed. \u201cNot exactly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWould it be a female robot, Drew old thing?\u201d asked Algernon, feeling a little protective toward his mock-Cuban cigar.<\/p>\n \u201cAsk Casey,\u201d laughed Drew.<\/p>\n All faces turned to Casey. His face was, by now, as red as the pointy arrowhead thingy on the Cuban flag.<\/p>\n \u201cUhm\u2026 I never said\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo robots have a sex?\u201d asked Randy.<\/p>\n \u201cPerv!\u201d responded several until-now mute family hangers-on.<\/p>\n \u201cI said, \u2018do robots have a sex\u2019, not \u2018do robots have sex!\u2019\u201d spluttered Randy.<\/p>\n \u201cGood question,\u201d said Tyrone, puffing thoughtfully on his old-school pipe, and blowing real tobacco smoke at the assembly. \u201cCuz if there are boy robots and girl robots, it raises the prospect of a whole new world of inequality and discrimination, not to mention perversion and por\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t say that word!\u201d yelled Algernon. \u201cIt\u2019ll trigger the spam filters when they scan the transcript of this conversation, and nobody will ever get to read it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood point,\u201d said Tyrone, beginning to feel the effects of the combination of pipe tobacco and magic mushrooms. \u201cLet\u2019s use the phrase \u2018pork pie\u2019 when we want to say por\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDON\u2019T SAY IT!\u201d yelled everyone.<\/p>\n A period of quiet ensued. Casey broke it.<\/p>\n \u201cHas anyone found any good\u2026 pork pie websites lately?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTry rowbowsecks.com,\u201d offered Luquass Cholmondeley-Wellichuk, the youngest of the gathered clan. \u201cIt\u2019s as hard core robot pork pie as you\u2019ll find anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo is it androgynous pork pie, or hermaphrodite pork pie, or does it prove that there are boy and girl robots?\u201d asked Randy.<\/p>\n \u201cOh there\u2019s boy and girl robots all right,\u201d grinned Luquass. Just then, Tyrone\u2019s wife (his third) knocked and entered.<\/p>\n \u201cSo what are you boys talking about?\u201d she asked coquettishly.<\/p>\n \u201cOh just some gentlemen talk, honey,\u201d replied her husband through a haze of pipe tobacco smoke.<\/p>\n \u201cWell don\u2019t be long be long be bzzzzipppbrrrrrrrrrrrrrpingzipppppp Otto-mate-for-life version 7.8 re-booting, stand by\u2026 zzzzippp Otto-mate-for-life version 7.8 has discovered\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t know your wife was a robot,\u201d said Casey, a shocked smile spreading across his face.<\/p>\n \u201cEven at my age, a man has\u2026 needs,\u201d said Tyrone, defensively.<\/p>\n \u201cWere the last two wives robots too?\u201d enquired Casey, thoroughly enjoying himself.<\/p>\n \u201cHell, no! This is the first one. And she\u2019s still under warranty.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you smoke in bed?\u201d asked Casey.<\/p>\n \u201cIs this another setup for a cheap joke?\u201d asked Tyrone, his teeth clenching the mouthpiece of his pipe a little too tightly for his own good.<\/p>\n \u201cCould be, but no,\u201d replied Casey. \u201cActually I was going to suggest that perhaps that model isn\u2019t built for smoky atmospheres. After all, you see what happened when she came in here!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoes she make up for the\u2026 loneliness?\u201d asked Randy, his nonagenarian libido stirring from a lengthy coma.<\/p>\n \u201cNot really.\u201d<\/p>\n The newly-resuscitated libido slipped back into its former state.<\/p>\n Guillaume the faithful butler entered.<\/p>\n \u201cGentlemen, the ladies are waiting for the dancing to begin. May I tell them that you will be joining them directly?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou may, Guillaume,\u201d replied Tyrone. \u201cAnd when you\u2019ve done so, please come back and pack Ursula into her box and ready her for a warranty claim.<\/p>\n \u201c I guess I\u2019ll be dancing with myself tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Note to the uninitiated\u2014\u201cCholmondeley\u201d is pronounced \u201cChumley\u201d. Honest!) The old year had been unceremoniously booted out the door, down the street, and over a convenient cliff nearby. The new year had been welcomed with open arms, ringing bells, popping fireworks, and as much general enthusiasm as a group of people who had celebrated the New Year exactly the same way… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181],"tags":[265,266,264,263,268,267],"class_list":["post-511","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","tag-bufalo-chips","tag-cigars","tag-e-cigarette","tag-new-year","tag-robots","tag-thighs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/511","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=511"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/511\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=511"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=511"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=511"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}