{"id":384,"date":"2016-08-22T00:01:20","date_gmt":"2016-08-22T06:01:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=384"},"modified":"2020-03-04T15:59:27","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T22:59:27","slug":"how-to-traumatize-kids-at-birth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2016\/08\/22\/how-to-traumatize-kids-at-birth\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Traumatize Kids at Birth"},"content":{"rendered":"

What\u2019s the most stressful aspect of parenthood? Forget the terrible twos, the teenage sullenness and the fake-ID-facilitated drinking binge. Giving a name to the bundle of joy that will inflict those trials and tribulations upon you is infinitely<\/em> more trying.<\/p>\n

And for the crime of poor name-choosing, many parents should be tried, found guilty, and sentenced to eighteen years of community service spent collecting the correct spelling of names of gymnasts, soccer players, baseball players, dancers, budding musicians, and baton twirlers for their coaches and teachers.<\/p>\n

Let me explain.<\/p>\n

Actually, let me rant.<\/p>\n

I grew up in East London in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, where names such as David, Susan, Edward, Robert, Linda and Gary were the norm. There were a few \u201cexotic\u201d names in my school, such as Josephine, Yvonne and Glenda, and with the transition to a multi-ethnic population, names such as Kamla and Gobind were not unknown, but my friends were mostly Toms, Davids, Richards, Pauls, Raymonds, and Stephens (or Stevens).<\/p>\n

Fast forward to 2016. It\u2019s no longer a world of Davids, Sarahs, Toms, Dicks and Harriets. It\u2019s a nightmarish hell of Murssaydeezes, Anavrins, Dayvidds, Jawjes and M\u2019uhs.<\/p>\n

And if naming your child by eating alphabetti spaghetti and reading the ensuing stool isn\u2019t bad enough, how about highly individual names such as these: \u201cTalula Does The Hula From Hawaii\u201d (that unfortunate was made a ward of court so that her name\u2014it\u2019s a girl\u2019s name\u2014could be changed), \u201cPost Office\u201d, and \u201cNumber 16 Bus Stop\u201d. I\u2019ve read that that last name was inspired by the locale of conception, but haven\u2019t found an authoritative source.<\/p>\n

For generations, entertainment has been the inspiration for many a name, from Tyrone to Elvis to Clark to Hermione. I have a Tom and a Jerry in my circle of friends and relatives. I\u2019m sure there are many Rachels, Chandlers and Phoebes out there who are in their late teens or early twenties. Fortunately, most (if not all) parents in the 1990s showed at least a little class: I derive comfort from the fact that I\u2019ve not come across anyone named Tinky WInky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa or Po, but that\u2019s not to say that some parent out there who grew up with Teletubbies didn\u2019t do the deed.<\/p>\n

However, some parents are now being inspired by Pokemon Go when naming their newborn. \u201cEevee\u201d and \u201cTauros\u201d might be acceptable (although a little \u201cOddish\u201d), and \u201cRaichu\u201d, \u201cNidorino\u201d and \u201cPonyta\u201d sound a little \u201cFarfetch\u2019d\u201d, but \u201cBulbasaur\u201d, \u201cElectabuzz\u201d, and \u201cPsyduck\u201d seem to be up there with \u201cCholera Plague\u201d, \u201cComma\u201d and \u201cVagina\u201d, all of which, according to this BBC news article<\/a> are real names given by parents to their progeny.<\/p>\n

In search of subjects to use for historical comparison, I came up with Pac-Man. That game was huge in the 1980s, and I wouldn\u2019t be in the least bit surprised if Namco is working on an augmented reality version of the game. But although it\u2019s arguably one of the most famous and successful video games of all time, I have yet to meet any Generation-Xers or Millennials named Blinky, Pinky, or Inky on their birth certificates (I may have met a \u201cClyde\u201d at some time\u2026)<\/p>\n

The thing is though; it\u2019s the Gen-Xers and Millennials that are naming their kids Pikachu, Snorlax and Cloyster. Such people should imagine their lives had they been named Blinky or Pinky, and then go back to the registrar and re-name their babies Bill or George\u2014anything but Pikachu!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure my friends had mums who lusted after the likes of Gary Cooper, Robert Redford and David Niven, but the thing is, the actors\u2019 parents chose names that were already well-known; the silver screen heart throbs were just catalysts for the re-popularizing of their names. In contrast, Pokemon names sound entirely made up.<\/p>\n

Traditional names are in many cases, derived from personal attributes. \u201cReginald\u201d is Germanic and comprises the notions of advice and rule. \u201cKelvin\u201d means \u201cnarrow water\u201d, which is perhaps why it\u2019s a little-used first name. (The River Kelvin, by the way, flows into the Clyde, the name of one of the aforementioned Pac-Man characters.)<\/p>\n

\u201cDavid\u201d means \u201cbeloved\u201d. \u201cDayvidd\u201d on the other hand means \u201cI\u2019ve got dipsticks for parents.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGeorge\u201d means \u201cfarmer\u201d or \u201cearthworker\u201d. \u201cJawj\u201d means \u201cmy parents thought it\u2019d be funny to make me spend my entire life spelling my name out to anyone that tries to write it down.<\/p>\n

\u201cEmma\u201d means \u201cwhole\u201d or \u201cuniversal\u201d. \u201cM\u2019uh\u201d means \u201cmy parents don\u2019t have a whole brain between them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a story for anyone contemplating giving their soon-to-arrive son or daughter a youneack spelling of a name or a pop-culture-inspired moniker. It\u2019s set in the year 2022, when all the Pokemon kids have started school.<\/p>\n

(BTW: I try to write for both Canadian and British audiences, but to translate everything would be clumsy, so\u2026 Brits\u2014students are pupils, principals are head teachers, kindergarten (\u201cK\u201d) is reception, grade 1 is year 1, and grade 12 is year 12.)<\/p>\n

\n

The entire school\u2014350 students and teachers\u2014was assembled in the gym. At the front, the K-kids were sitting cross-legged, with each succeeding grade sitting behind; the grade 12s were on chairs near the back.<\/p>\n

Blinky Jones, the Vice Principal, stood and called for silence. He then yielded the floor to Tabitha O\u2019hara, the school\u2019s forty-something-year-old Principal.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Blinky. Good morning, school! Welcome back; I hope you all had a magical summer. This year, we thought it would be a good idea to introduce our teachers to the whole school rather than students learning who each teacher is in an ad hoc fashion. Each class has a home teacher, and I\u2019ve assigned individual students to introduce their home room teacher to the entire school. But I\u2019ll start the ball rolling by introducing our new kindergarten teacher, Phoebe Mahilchuk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Phoebe stood up, and moved next to Tabitha.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning everybody, and especially the little ones in the front!\u201d said Phoebe. \u201cBoy, am I nervous! So\u2026 this is my first teaching position, and I\u2019m looking forward to making friends with all you little ones! I\u2019m trying to learn your names, aren\u2019t I, Dewgong,\u201d she said, making eye contact with a kindergartener of indeterminate gender at the end of the front row.
\nThe eye contact had the desired effect, but the owner of the eyes was not happy. \u201cPlease miss, I\u2019m Goldeen. Dewgong\u2019s the boy with those funny turtle things on his shirt,\u201d said Goldeen.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no,\u201d said Ms. Mahilchuk. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. Anyhow\u2014Goldeen, Dewgong, Jazzminn with two \u201cn\u201ds, Jazzminnn with three \u201cn\u201ds, Jazzzmynn with three \u201cz\u201ds, and all the rest of you, I just want you to know that I\u2019ll be there for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen the rain starts to fall?\u201d called out a grade 12 at the back. Several of the younger teachers smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Ms. Mahilchuk,\u201d said Ms. O\u2019hara. I\u2019d like Behind The Bike Shed Hawkmead to come up and introduce our Grade one teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n

A seven-year-old girl wearing a U2 \u201cJoshua Tree\u201d tour tee shirt came to the front.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur home room teacher is nice. He\u2019s been at this school longer than anyone except Ms. O\u2019hara, and as well as being our home room teacher, he teaches Religion. His name is Damien Thorson\u201c.<\/p>\n

A square-shaped man of about forty stepped up to the front, kneeled down, and shook Behind the Bike Shed\u2019s hand. \u201cThank you, uhm\u2026 Behind?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dad doesn\u2019t allow people to shorten my name, Mr. Thorson.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll remember that,\u201d said Damien, laughing nervously. \u201cAs Behind The Bike Shed said, I\u2019ve been at Sacred Spleen a long time; sometimes it seems I\u2019ve been here from the dawn of time itself. In those years I\u2019ve have had the pleasure of teaching most of you at some time. I\u2019ve taught all the Hawkmeads\u2014Under The Overpass, In The Men\u2019s Washrooms, and Up The Top Of The Cell Tower; and now I have Behind The Bike Shed to complete the set! As you know, I teach Religion, so if you have any crises of faith, or any questions about the current interfaith struggles in the world, just come and see me. You know who I am and where to find me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Damien, and thank you Behind The Bike Shed,\u201d said Tabitha as Damien returned to his place. \u201cNext we\u2019ll have Gru Bannerman to introduce our Grade two teacher, Donatello Arkwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

The introductions continued through the grades, with a student introducing each teacher. The process finally reached the back of the gym.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd last, but not least, I\u2019d like to call upon Soobroo Tork to introduce our grade twelve home room teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the grade twelves shouted, \u201cSorry Ms. O\u2019hara, she\u2019s out back, locking her car\u2026 oh\u2026 she\u2019s here.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a very brief pause while Soobroo motored to the front. Tabitha O\u2019hara, not one for being held up, twitched her nose in disapproval. Soobroo took a breath and spoke.<\/p>\n

\u201cLadies and gentleman, boys and girls, it\u2019s my distinct pleasure to introduce our new Grade twelve home room teacher. He comes to us all the way from Saint Kylie of the Swamps Collegiate where he taught math for two years. Our previous math teacher, Dipsy Mickleover, is on maternity leave, but we\u2019re sure that her replacement will be just as big an asset to our school as Ms. Mickleover was. I give you Mr. Tinky Winky deGroot.\u201d<\/p>\n

Soobroo backed away and stood in the background as a rather rotund man in his mid-twenties arrived at the speaking position.<\/p>\n

\u201cAy-o everybody,\u201d said deGroot. \u201cI\u2019m over the moon to be part of Sacred Spleen! I\u2019ll be teaching math to grades ten, eleven and twelve, and also be offering New Media classes as an intramural. I\u2019ve already found some volunteers to help me with the intramural and would like to recognize them. Ennis, Veruca, and Donkey, please stand up.\u201d They did so. \u201cBig hugs to you. School, please thank them with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

The assembled masses clapped politely.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you have any questions about math or new media, you\u2019ll usually find me in the superdome, also known as room 27.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tinky Winky deGroot nodded his thanks, and started the walk to the back of the gym. Ms. O\u2019Hara looked out over the sea of students.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope you found these introductions useful and informative. You should now know where each teacher will be, which grade they are homeroom teacher to, and which room they will be teaching in. Finally, please will the following students see me after we dismiss. Maffeugh Wigstaff, Dann-yill Schmidt, Adnoh and Atoyot Glich, and Kermit Green. Now, school dismiss, and have a great year!\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Cheesy? You bet. But as the predilection for choosing babies\u2019 names from popular culture or alphabet poop gains ground, situations like the above, but with yet-to-become-fashionable memes, will become commonplace. And unless you\u2019re planning to name your yet-to-be-born son Donnulde or Dunuld, that should be a scenario that disturbs you.<\/p>\n

There is light on the horizon though. The problem of having to ask people how they spell their names will go away once we\u2019re all barcoded or have chips implanted. And then we will all truly be the individuals that our parents want us to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What\u2019s the most stressful aspect of parenthood? Forget the terrible twos, the teenage sullenness and the fake-ID-facilitated drinking binge. Giving a name to the bundle of joy that will inflict those trials and tribulations upon you is infinitely more trying. And for the crime of poor name-choosing, many parents should be tried, found guilty, and sentenced to eighteen years of… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,77],"tags":[508,147,146],"class_list":["post-384","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-rant","tag-choosing-baby-names","tag-individual-names","tag-pokemon-names"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/384","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=384"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/384\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1631,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/384\/revisions\/1631"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=384"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=384"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=384"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}