{"id":317,"date":"2016-06-20T00:01:59","date_gmt":"2016-06-20T06:01:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=317"},"modified":"2020-03-04T16:52:18","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T23:52:18","slug":"no-st-sherlock","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2016\/06\/20\/no-st-sherlock\/","title":{"rendered":"No S#!t Sherlock!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Headline<\/a>: Spanish town’s giant dog dropping goes walkies<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cHolmes Detective Agencies; \u2018no solution, no fee\u2014it\u2019s that elementary\u2019. Shirley speaking. How may we help?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs this Shirley Holmes, great-granddaughter of legendary Sherlock Homes?\u201d enquired the voice at the other end of the telephone line. Although his accent was decidedly Spanish, it didn\u2019t come out like that in the transcription.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know that Sherlock Holmes was just<\/em> a legend\u2014the product of a writer\u2019s imagination, don\u2019t you?\u201d said Shirley, the slight edge in her tone the result of having had to explain this to too many people since she\u2019d started her business.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you don\u2019t come from long line of world-class detectives?\u201d asked the Spaniard.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo sir, I don\u2019t. Now, what can I do to help?\u201d She heard the person at the other end of the line take a deep breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name is Roberto Sanchez, and I am Mayor of Pronghorn Creek, Saskatchewan, Canada. Important and valuable municipal asset has been kidnapped, and we would like to hire you to track him down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well, Mister Sanchez. But you do understand that I\u2019m located in London. That\u2019s the<\/em> London, in England. You need to contact the Canadian police; don\u2019t the Mounties always get their man?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure they do senora Holmes,\u201d replied the mayor, \u201cbut it\u2019s not man been kidnapped.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought \u2018get their man\u2019 meant they get the bad\u2026 oh never mind. But you said \u2018kidnapped\u2019, didn\u2019t you? Who\u2019s been kidnapped?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot \u2018who\u2019, senora Holmes; \u2018what\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh. We have a language problem,\u201d said Shirley. \u201cS- o \u2013 o Mister Sanchez. What has been stolen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFour metre high dog dropping,\u201d said Mayor Sanchez in his best English.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo we still have a language problem, Mister Sanchez? I heard you say \u2018four metre dog dropping\u2019. Unless the hound of the Baskervilles lives in your town, there\u2019s no such thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith respect, Senora Holmes, you\u2019re wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen what kind of dogs do you have in Canada? And what makes it\u2026 what did you say, a \u2018valuable municipal asset\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEess not real dog dropping,\u201d said the mayor, his frustration making his accent strong enough to register on the transcript. \u201cEess, \u2018ow you say\u2026 exploding dog dropping.
\n\u201cIn what way could a turd bomb be an asset!?\u201d asked Shirley incredulously.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot bomb; eess not bomb!\u201d He paused, searching for words. \u201cYou blow eet up. Gets big; very big. Phooo, phooo, phooo.\u201d His attempts at imitating the noise of something being inflated sounded awful over the phone, but Shirley nevertheless divined his meaning.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh! It\u2019s an inflatable dog dropping! Not a real one, and not an exploding one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSi, si senora. Eess not real one. What kind of dogs you think we have in Canada?\u201d Shirley let that one go.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith respect Mister Sanchez, why does your town have an inflatable turd the size of a small house? Do you want your town to be known as the home of the world\u2019s largest dump?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEess public awareness campaign. Nobody pick up dog droppings. Local newspaper say streets and pathways one giant canine crapper. And in winter, pathways look like yellow brick road. Exploding dog dropping\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cInflatable,\u201d corrected Shirley.<\/p>\n

\u201cInflatable dog dropping make people think about picking up after dogs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like someone got the message a little too well and picked up the doggie dooky,\u201d said Shirley, chuckling.<\/p>\n

\u201cQue?\u201d said Sanchez.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh nothing,\u201d said Shirley, realizing that the language barrier would make the explanation painful. \u201cSo, Mister Sanchez, do you have any clues to help me? CCTV footage, perhaps?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have time lapse pictures.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd are there any clues in those?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly vehicle that show is semi-truck pulling manure spreader.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you tracked down that vehicle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have, senora Holmes. Owned by business hundred kilometres away in next town. But business owner no got dog, so why he want big dog dropping?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore I continue, Mister Sanchez, I should mention my fee for this case. It will be two thousand, five hundred pounds. Of course, you would pay me only if my assistance leads to the recovery of your asset.\u00a0 Is that acceptable?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSi, senora Holmes. It will be worth every penny if you help us bring Dorothy home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDorothy? You named it \u2018Dorothy\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSi. Dorothy the doggie dropping. Council thought it fit well with newspaper\u2019s mention of yellow brick road.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm. Canadian humour, I suppose.\u201d<\/p>\n

She paused.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there anything about this inflatable dog dropping that identifies it as specifically a dog dropping, Mister Sanchez?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot really, senora Holmes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo if I was running a business that dealt in excrement, would it be useful for advertising that business?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou thinking of starting new business, senora Holmes?\u201d enquired Sanchez.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you id \u2026 I mean, Mister Sanchez,\u201d exclaimed Shirley. \u201cLet me make the connection for you, send you my bill, and we can both get on with what\u2019s left of our days. I would like you to arrange for one of your Mounties to drive out to this business in the next town, and take a look round the property owned by the business that owns the manure spreader. I\u2019m fairly sure you\u2019ll find Dorothy there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat make you sure?\u201d asked the Mayor, not following Shirley\u2019s line of thought at all.<\/p>\n

\u201cElementary, my dear Sanchez. Or may I be permitted to say, \u2018Alimentary, my dear Sanchez\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cQue?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry. English humour. I\u2019ll bet that your perpetrator runs a manure spreading business, and is planning to use Dorothy to draw attention to his business. At four metres high, it\u2019s bound to be easily visible, and with the right slogan, would attract a lot of new customers.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSenora Holmes\u2014you genius! Just like great-grandfather!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not\u2026 oh never mind. Just do what I say, and if you find Dorothy, let me know and I\u2019ll send you my invoice. Goodbye Mister Sanchez.\u201d<\/p>\n

She put the phone on its cradle.<\/p>\n

\u201cSpanish mayors in Canadian towns asking an English detective for help in looking for a four-metre-high inflatable poo. What a cosmopolitan society we live in. Whatever next? An Australian garlic grower who needs help locating the bike he had stolen in Transylvania? A Brazilian barber who lost his razors in a Middle Eastern harem?\u201d<\/p>\n

The phone rang.<\/p>\n

\u201cBlow that for a game of soldiers!\u201d said Shirley, donning her deerstalker. I\u2019m off to the pipe shop, then home for a little recreational pharmaceutical relaxation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Headline: Spanish town’s giant dog dropping goes walkies \u201cHolmes Detective Agencies; \u2018no solution, no fee\u2014it\u2019s that elementary\u2019. Shirley speaking. How may we help?\u201d \u201cIs this Shirley Holmes, great-granddaughter of legendary Sherlock Homes?\u201d enquired the voice at the other end of the telephone line. Although his accent was decidedly Spanish, it didn\u2019t come out like that in the transcription. \u201cYou know… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,487],"tags":[114,113],"class_list":["post-317","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-stories","tag-inflatable-poo","tag-spanish-poo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/317","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=317"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/317\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1642,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/317\/revisions\/1642"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=317"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=317"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}