{"id":304,"date":"2016-05-23T00:01:33","date_gmt":"2016-05-23T06:01:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=304"},"modified":"2020-03-04T16:09:18","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T23:09:18","slug":"pushing-the-envelope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2016\/05\/23\/pushing-the-envelope\/","title":{"rendered":"Pushing the Envelope"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Headline: \u201cFinland’s postal workers to mow lawns\u201d<\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Prologue<\/h1>\n

In Finland, postal workers have started thinking outside the mailbox. In response to declining use of the postal system, Posti\u2019s posties are taking part in a trial of a lawn-mowing service, which will be offered from May to August. (Sounds like their lawn-mowing season\u2019s as short as it is here in southern Alberta.) Customers will be able to sign up for weekly 30- or 60-minute lawn-mowing sessions; the customer provides the lawn and the mower (and 65 or 130 euros a month), and Posti provides the person power.<\/p>\n

Apparently, the idea came from the postal workers themselves (heartening to hear that people are helping their own job security prospects).<\/p>\n

I wonder if mail carriers in other parts of the world are taking note?<\/p>\n

\n

Pushing the Envelope<\/h1>\n

\u201cNow settle down lads (stink-eye from the female mail carriers) and ladesses,\u201d shouted the meeting convenor. He waited while the seventy-odd mail carriers of both genders parked themselves on the numbingly uncomfortable foldaway chairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs you know, business is bad in the postal delivery\u2026 uhm\u2026 business, and it isn\u2019t likely to improve as long as companies are able to use email to send their unsolicited mail. People are picking their bills up online, they send e-greetings instead of birthday and Christmas cards, and even the bloody taxman\u2019s communicating via email. There was a time when some of us needed carts to carry our mailbags\u2014these days, most of us put our entire delivery into our coat pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mutters of agreement rippled around the meeting hall and some of the older posties shared their memories of heavily-laden mailbags with their neighbours.<\/p>\n

The convenor called for order.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe thing is lads\u2026 and ladesses, we\u2019re a threatened species. Posties are becoming extinct. Postman Pat will be as confusing to kids in twenty years\u2019 time as talking steam engines are today. We\u2019ve got to do something to reverse the trend, and I don\u2019t mean ban children\u2019s TV programs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe strike!\u201d yelled a particularly large and well-groomed member of the audience. Others present took up the cause, and soon the room shook with the chanting.<\/p>\n

The convenor held up his hands and tried to calm the meeting down. He banged his gavel; he blew his whistle; he shouted \u201corder!\u201d several times. Then he held up a starter\u2019s pistol and fired it\u2014thankfully (if a little ironically) that stopped the chanting in its tracks.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you,\u201d said the convenor, the words making up their shortfall in sincerity with an extra helping of relief. He paused for effect and breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cStriking is just what the suits want us to do. They\u2019ll lock us out and starve us into submission. Look what happened to the (British) miners in 1984; struck for a year, but the mines ended up closing anyway. Half of \u2018em are being used for wine storage now, and the only men working are them that would compromise their masculinity by allowing themselves to be associated with wine\u2026 the poofs!<\/p>\n

\u201cSo I say to the well-groomed postie at the back\u2014if indeed he is a postie\u2014striking is ill-advised. No\u2014we have to think outside the box\u2014in fact, you could say, we have to think outside the mail box. (Groans from audience)<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know how many of you spotted the news article, but the Finnish postal service is moving into the lawn mowing business. Their posties will be available to cut grass on Tuesdays for 65 euros a month, from May to August. They\u2019ve already diversified into home meal delivery\u2014lawn mowing is just another home-focused service to them. That\u2019s the kind of thinking that could keep us<\/em> employed.\u201d<\/p>\n

An elderly postie in the front row stood up slowly and painfully to ask questions. \u201cHow do they get the dinner plates through the letterbox (mail slot)? Wouldn\u2019t it make a mess on the doormat? And what if a dog got to it first?\u201d<\/p>\n

The convenor pondered for a moment. \u201cThey probably have special slots in the front doors\u2014maybe with shelves on, like you seen on prison cell doors on the telly. Anyway, we need to be thinking of services that our postal delivery service could offer, like window cleaning or bicycle repairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with lawn mowing?\u201d asked a young lad about a third of the way back.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing, except it\u2019s not an original idea, is it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do we have to have original ideas?\u201d
\n\u201cBecause we\u2019re not bloody sheep, that\u2019s why! If we were, we wouldn\u2019t need lawn mowers, would we! We could eat<\/em> the bloody grass!\u201d<\/p>\n

A ladess near the front stood up. \u201cWhat about a dog walking service?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow that is<\/em> an original thought!\u201d exclaimed the convenor.<\/p>\n

The elderly postie at the front, who was still in the process of sitting down after asking his last question, reversed his slow motion. \u201cNot likely!\u201d he said. \u201cDogs and posties don\u2019t go together very well, do they. Dogs were put on this planet to bite posties; it\u2019s so common, it\u2019s become a clich\u00e9. And that\u2019s one instance where size doesn\u2019t matter\u2014I\u2019ve been terrorized by Jack Russells and welcomed with gallons of drool by Great Danes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we offered other post-related services?\u201d asked another postie.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike what?\u201d asked the convenor.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u2026 what about post hole digging?\u201d<\/p>\n

The ensuing laughter lightened the tone of the meeting somewhat.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey\u2014we could offer post<\/em>card design services,\u201d called out another delegate.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr we could be post<\/em>er men and women for charities,\u201d offered another.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about post<\/em>-mortem services?\u201d called out yet another, prompting renewed laughter.<\/p>\n

The convenor motioned for order. \u201cThe reaction of the meeting speaks volumes about some of these suggestions, but you might be thinking along the right lines\u2014after all, what\u2019s lawn mowing got to do with postal delivery service? Whereas something with \u201cpost\u201d or \u201cmail\u201d in the name might make a better connection with the public.\u201d<\/p>\n

Post hole postie stood up to offer another gem. \u201cPost Offices are empty all night, right? Could we make them available as cheap overnight accommodation? We could call it \u2018The Mail Inn\u2019 service.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t see people jumping at the opportunity to pay to sleep in a Post Office\u2014I mean, they\u2019re not that comfy, are they? Some of them are actually quite sketchy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen instead of \u2018The Mail Inn\u2019, we could call it \u2018The Post Hole\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you stopped to think about the people whose work we\u2019d be taking if we offer these new services?\u201d asked a ladess of a certain age in the centre of the gathering. \u201cI mean, won\u2019t the Finnish lawn mowing service providers be up in arms? And if we offered, say, dog walking services, wouldn\u2019t the people who already make money doing that get upset with us?\u201d<\/p>\n

The convenor pondered. \u201cDid FedEx and UPS think of us when they started stealing our work? No they didn\u2019t! In business, it\u2019s dog eat dog, I\u2019m afraid.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes anyone else have any suggestions? Sensible ones, that is? We really need to push the envelope here.\u201d<\/p>\n

He paused.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen I\u2019d like to put my idea to the meeting. Sex never loses its popularity and it never becomes obsolete\u2014technology will never replace it, despite the widespread availability of \u2018toys\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like to propose that the lads hire themselves out as escorts, and the ladesses start taking part in\u2014ahem\u2014adult entertainment movies.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat have those ideas got to do with the postal service?\u201d asked post hole postie.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, we\u2019ll call the gigolo service \u2018Mail Bonding\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the ladies\u2019 contributions? I mean, no offence ladies, and I do acknowledge that some of us guys don’t have what it takes to be a gigolo, but some of you aren\u2019t exactly lookers.\u201d<\/p>\n

Above the sound of sharp intakes of breath and knuckle-cracking, the convenor shouted, \u201cAnd that\u2019s the inspiration for the service\u2019s name. We\u2019ll call it \u2018We Fixed It in Post\u2019.<\/p>\n

The room was in uproar. Men were enthusiastically contemplating their new roles and considering the moonlighting possibilities, while the women were converging on the podium, intent on telling the convenor just what they thought of his suggestions.<\/p>\n

In the front row, the old postie wheezed a laugh out to himself. \u201cHeh\u2014another Pandora\u2019s box! The ladesses will be demanding severance with pay; there\u2019ll be a waiting list to become a postman, and there won\u2019t be a single postie whose marriage will last more than six weeks into the job.\u201d<\/p>\n

Satisfied with his assessment of the situation, he rose from his seat slowly and creakily, massaged a little life into the cheeks of his posterior, unpinned his postman\u2019s identity badge from his lapel, and laid it on the chair he\u2019d just vacated. He ambled to the exit door at a speed that could hardly be called post-haste, and left the meeting to descend into its own version of a nascent Sodom and Gomorrah. Outside in the fresh air, he smiled, and walked into the sunset happily anticipating his life post-postman.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Headline: \u201cFinland’s postal workers to mow lawns\u201d Prologue In Finland, postal workers have started thinking outside the mailbox. In response to declining use of the postal system, Posti\u2019s posties are taking part in a trial of a lawn-mowing service, which will be offered from May to August. (Sounds like their lawn-mowing season\u2019s as short as it is here in southern… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,487],"tags":[95,94],"class_list":["post-304","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-stories","tag-lawn-mowing","tag-postal-service"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1635,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304\/revisions\/1635"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}