{"id":279,"date":"2016-04-11T00:01:00","date_gmt":"2016-04-11T06:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=279"},"modified":"2020-03-04T16:21:38","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T23:21:38","slug":"the-theatre-going-public","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2016\/04\/11\/the-theatre-going-public\/","title":{"rendered":"The Theatre-going Public"},"content":{"rendered":"

Apparently, plays are getting more realistic. A high school production of Sweeney Todd in New Zealand proved a little too real when two pupils (students) had their necks cut during a throat-slitting scene and ended up in hospital overnight. You can read about it here <\/a>and here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

While this incident was not intended, the levels of gore and violence depicted on stage seem to be getting more and more realistic. I wish I\u2019d bought shares in a fake blood company\u2014I\u2019d be rolling in money by now!<\/p>\n

But this set me thinking. Just as pupil and student are different names for the same thing, so are operating room and operating theatre.<\/p>\n

It’s Historical<\/h1>\n

Back in the early days of surgical procedures, an operation was a spectator sport. Students (pupils) came to watch; the public could also. Seating was tiered (see pictures here<\/a>, here <\/a>and here<\/a>) to allow a good view for the many, and I\u2019m sure a lady must have come round with a tray of choc ices at some of the more enterprising facilities. I didn\u2019t dig into the question of whether smoking was allowed in these theatres, but the question is probably moot because there was little or no understanding about the need for a sterile environment. It was therefore natural to call the facility an operating theatre.<\/p>\n

Brits still refer to an operating room as an operating theatre, even though the tiered seating and choc ice lady are long-gone.<\/p>\n

But back to that thinking I mentioned. Healthcare systems around the world struggle for funding. Perhaps I\u2019ve come up with a solution that harnesses the theatrical authenticity that audiences crave\u2026<\/p>\n

Live (We Hope) Theatre)<\/h1>\n

\u201cAnyone got two tickets for theatre three they don\u2019t want?\u201d cried the eager young man to the queue of geeks, ghouls and slice-and-dice movie fans.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Ow much?\u201d enquired a slightly stout millennial in an imported Liverpool soccer shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cFace value plus ten percent\u201d replied the eager young man, his date clinging to his arm with excitement.<\/p>\n

\u201cFace and fifteen and they\u2019re yours\u201d countered the Liverpool fan.<\/p>\n

The transaction complete, the couple took the Liverpool fan\u2019s place in the queue. With their tickets secure, they relaxed a little and their thoughts turned to refreshments. Kenny (for that was the eager young man\u2019s name) asked Celeste (his date) what she\u2019d like, and a few minutes later returned with a large tub of caramel corn and two extra-large generic colas. The corn was balanced on his head, it being impossible to carry two XL colas in one hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cThese people are in theatre three as well, Kenny\u201d Celeste informed him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve been waiting for weeks for this one to come round\u201d said Tyler, the taller of their fellow theatre three patrons. \u201cThere\u2019s gonna be so much blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

Celeste was unable to contain a small squeal of nervous excitement mixed with trepidation.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you donate at clubtogether.com?\u201d Kenny asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure did!\u201d smiled Tyler. \u201cIt was up to sixty-three grand when I was on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was seventy-two when I checked on the way here,\u201d said Celeste. \u201cOnly another three thousand and we\u2019ll get to see the director\u2019s cut.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just then, the doors to all the theatres opened, and the queue moved forward, thinning out as the line passed each theatre entrance. Tyler, his companion, Kenny and Celeste all entered theatre three and found their seats. All four hundred and fifty-seven seats had been sold and soon the theatre was a heaving mass of excited, nervous, chattering fans. The lights dimmed, the screen flickered into life and numerous public information announcements about healthcare played. The audience, realizing this wasn\u2019t the main feature, resumed their chatter.<\/p>\n

Finally, the announcements ended, and the audience were reminded to turn off their phones, as no recording devices were allowed. The area at the front of the theatre became brightly illuminated, and an expectant hush fell over the audience.<\/p>\n

The show began. Within seconds, the first knife cut. How the audience cheered! Someone started a chant of \u201cblood, blood, blood\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

On the screen, the clubtogether.com total started flashing as it hit seventy-five thousand. A great roar arose from the audience\u2014fortunately, the glass wall between it and the performers was virtually soundproof and their concentration wasn\u2019t compromised.<\/p>\n

The head surgeon looked up at the screen, saw the total and paused. A nurse pressed a button and the screen displayed a list of options followed by an instruction for the audience to vote using the keypads in their seats. The options were (a) the anaesthetist brings the patient around, (b) the surgical team operates with nothing on except their gloves, mask and hats, (c) the head surgeon puts a blindfold on.<\/p>\n

The audience voted.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s always bloody option B they go for,\u201d muttered the head surgeon, removing his gown. \u201cDon\u2019t they realize how unhygienic it is? Now I\u2019m going to be shedding dead skin everywhere. Still, let\u2019s see what they think of this.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the team disrobed, it became clear to the spectators that perhaps another option would have been more entertaining\u2014but how were they to know that the entire team was wearing temporary tattoos with slogans such as, \u201dStop the blood art\u201d, \u201cPray you never need this operation\u201d and \u201cThis isn\u2019t Psycho\u201d.<\/p>\n

The impact of the messages was somewhat tempered by the sight of the anaesthetist\u2019s red and yellow polka-dot knickerbocker underwear\u2014had he anticipated the audience\u2019s choice or was this his normal choice of underwear? Either way, the audience, by now a baying mob, loved it.<\/p>\n

The surgery continued, and soon entered a less-than-dramatic phase. The screen, which up till then had been showing macro images of the surgeon\u2019s worksite, switched to a CGI infomercial.<\/p>\n

A computer-generated middle-aged doctor, programmed to look just sufficiently unlike Bob Kelso from Scrubs<\/em> to avoid lawsuits looked up from his clipboard and gazed into the camera, the sincerity methods of his facial objects working overtime.<\/p>\n

The financial numbers having been plugged into the file containing his script, he began.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello. I\u2019m Otto M\u00e9ton, Chief of Medicine at Queen Boadicea Hospital\u2019s O.R. Plex. Thank you for supporting OpView surgical procedures. I\u2019m excited to report that we have a full house tonight; the only cloud in an otherwise blue sky is that several hundred people tried to purchase tickets after they had sold out and had to be disappointed; clearly it\u2019s time for bigger facilities!<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me share with you just a few numbers about tonight. The budgeted cost of this operation is one hundred and thirty-seven thousand, five hundred and fifty dollars. The head surgeon is authorized to allow an overrun of up to ten percent.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks to your interest in pay-to-view surgery, OpView ticket sales for this event have raised $75,405.00. Please give yourselves a round of applause!<\/p>\n

\u201cDonations through clubtogether.com amount to $76,240.00 so far, exceeding the $75,000.00 required to offer you tonight\u2019s \u201cdirector\u2019s cut\u201d choices. (More applause.) Thanks to your compassion for the patient, you selected option \u201cB\u201d\u2014a good choice, given the visual attributes of this particular team!\u201d<\/p>\n

Here the audience laughed at the irony of the computer-generated gag.<\/p>\n

\u201cRevenue from concession sales for this event is expected to amount to approximately $5,255.00; this may indicate that many of you are following healthy diets and avoiding the fattening junk we offer. We\u2019d therefore like your opinion on alternatives. If you would like OpView to offer healthy snacks, press \u201c1\u201d on your keypad. If you\u2019d like healthy, organic snacks, please press \u201c2\u201d. If you\u2019d prefer a wider selection of junk, press \u201c3\u201d. Please vote now.\u201c
\nAn annoying synthesized jingle, just sufficiently unlike the Jeopardy! think time song to avoid lawsuits played, while images of audience members thoughtfully considering the question flashed on the screen.<\/p>\n

As the music stopped, the Kelso-almost image once again gazed sincerely into the virtual camera.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, that was an emphatic \u2018yes\u2019 vote for a wider selection of junk, you little porkers you!\u201d he said, allowing a little laugh to escape. \u201cThat\u2019s just as well, because the margin on that organic crap wouldn\u2019t even pay for a Band-Aid on a scraped knee!\u201d Here, the computers overlaid his eyes with spinning slot machine tumblers, stopped them on the dollar signs and played a cash payout sound effect.<\/p>\n

On the table, something interesting was happening. A nurse tapped a code into a keypad, and the Kelso-almost image lost its overlays and adopted a serious expression.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve just been informed that,\u201d\u2014an almost-imperceptible pause occurred as the computer plugged the event description for the nurse-supplied code into the script\u2014\u201ca surgeon has nicked an artery, so let\u2019s return to the live-for-the-moment action.\u201d<\/p>\n

The image crossfaded to the macro shot of the worksite where blood was pumping in spurts from a piece of plumbing in the patient\u2019s chest. Gloved hands were appearing from everywhere, and a quick glance at the team members\u2019 faces made it clear there was a crisis.<\/p>\n

The head surgeon looked to the nurse with the keypad, his eyes those of an unhappy man. He made a finger-across-the-throat motion, and the nurse shook her head; the crowd sensed disharmony in the team! He removed his hands from the chest of the by-now flat-lining patient, and strode purposefully to the nurse, whereupon he tried to grab the keypad. He\u2019d left himself exposed though, and the nurse\u2019s slippered foot connected with his totally-exposed nether regions. He doubled up, but quickly recovered, and picked up a scalpel. The crowd was loving it\u2014not since before fighting was banned in hockey had they had this much fun!<\/p>\n

The head surgeon brandished the scalpel and attempted a couple of slashes. The nurse was too much of a pro to fall for that though, and hit his wrist smartly with the keypad. But he had expected this. As the scalpel skittered across the floor he placed his blood-covered gloved hands around the nurse\u2019s neck. The spectators hadn\u2019t expected that level of personal contact, and they roared their appreciation.<\/p>\n

The nurse obligingly hung her tongue out of her mouth and made her eyes go all bulgy, and the surgeon grabbed the keypad. He tapped a code in, and curtains fell, preventing the audience from seeing what happened next. They booed, they threw their popcorn and drinks containers at the glass, and a few even tried to start a fight but were quickly ejected by the psychiatric ward orderlies standing by.<\/p>\n

Behind the curtains, the team was removing the fake blood and its delivery tube from the patient\u2019s chest, irrigating the site, and putting a couple of sutures in the real artery that the audience had thought had been cut. The nurse checked that all was good, spotted the flat-line readout on the vitals monitor, changed it to a more believable set of data, and raised the curtains.<\/p>\n

The audience cheered, but were surprised and a little disappointed that the team had saved the situation so well. But then they almost always did in OpView theatres. The number of cases where they didn\u2019t was miniscule, and none were ever as dramatic and exciting as the ones that they saved.<\/p>\n

The operation continued. At another point, the Kelso-almost character launched a request for additional donations, citing the need for the hospital to balance its books. Some of the audience coughed up; most didn\u2019t. The crisis had been the climax of the spectacle, and it didn\u2019t seem likely that there would be any further excitement. People finished their popcorn and drinks and started drifting away. The surgical team noticed this and breathed a collective sigh of relief.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy the hell we have to crack the guy\u2019s chest open to give him a vasectomy beats me\u201d muttered the surgeon.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s what the public wants\u201d opined his assistant. \u201cNobody would buy a ticket for a straight vasectomy. This way, the hospital made twenty grand profit, the public got what they wanted, and we got to practise our chest-opening procedures; it\u2019s a win-win\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell that to this poor schmuck,\u201d retorted the surgeon.
\nOver in the corner, keypad nurse had been thinking.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey guys,\u201d she said. \u201cI think I\u2019ve got a solution that will allow us to concentrate the action on the vasectomy site and keep the public interested.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m listening,\u201d said the head surgeon uncertainly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we were to suggest to Admin that we move into vampire porn?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNah. What medical professional in their right mind would want to replace their eye teeth with scalpels?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Apparently, plays are getting more realistic. A high school production of Sweeney Todd in New Zealand proved a little too real when two pupils (students) had their necks cut during a throat-slitting scene and ended up in hospital overnight. You can read about it here and here. While this incident was not intended, the levels of gore and violence depicted… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[487],"tags":[71],"class_list":["post-279","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stories","tag-operating-theatre"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/279","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=279"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/279\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1637,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/279\/revisions\/1637"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=279"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=279"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=279"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}