Rain\u2019s stopped play in the yard, which is a good thing, because I needed to commit the following thought to paper (or hard drive).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why is it that seeds that we plant according to instructions wither and die, but weeds that we remove from the ground with surgical thoroughness miraculously spring back to life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The instructions on seed packets are pretty explicit. Prepare the growing medium (recipes on YouTube); plant the seeds yay deep (some might benefit from soaking overnight first); provide light of a minimum of xxx lumens for so many hours per day; ensure temperatures remain within +\/- 0.22267\u00b0 of Y\u00b0C; water from the bottom using room temperature filtered water seasoned with rose petals; when the first true leaves develop (the first leaves are imposters) re-pot the seedlings in… etc. etc. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve done all this in the past, even if it was only with mustard and cress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I follow these instructions to the letter, and…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nothing. Not a sausage. Bugger all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I might just as well have called Elon Musk and had him drop the seeds on the dark side of the moon for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Weeds don\u2019t come with detailed instructions. Neither for growing nor for destroying. Yet a piece of weed root, plucked from the ground and left in the sun for two weeks, eaten and passed through the digestive systems of an entire nest of rodents, incinerated, ground into a fine powder, and encased in concrete is guaranteed to grow and flower\/seed within six weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here at the hatchery, we\u2019re digging patches of \u201clawn\u201d out and building raised beds to grow flowers and veggies in. Most of the grass that comprises our \u201clawn\u201d is pretty coarse and reproduces via long white roots, which makes dandelions seem sterile by comparison. (BTW, \u201clawn\u201d is in quotes because it\u2019s unfair to call our patch of grass by the same name as the lush green growth achieved in gardens in more temperate zones and\/or with truckloads of chemicals.) Therefore, in order to convert \u201clawn\u201d to grass-free beds, it behoves a person (me) to remove as much of the root system as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Easier said than done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We\u2019ve tried a number of non-chemical methods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two years ago we dug the grass out in clods, beat as much soil out as possible, left the remaining roots to dry, then beat the roots again. We then sieved the soil from the clods back onto the new veggie bed (to remove any remaining roots), dug the bed two spits deep, then planted carrots, beets and potatoes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We mowed the resulting \u201clawn\u201d six weeks later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Last year, I scalped the grass with a mattock, then shallow-dug the remaining roots out. It was quicker, but there were still all kinds of roots left. We picked roots out for several days, then planted our veggies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We mowed the resulting \u201clawn\u201d six weeks later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This year, I\u2019m taking what I\u2019ve learned and deploying what I like to call the \u201cultimate solution\u201d (because \u201cfinal solution\u201d is already taken, and in any case, it\u2019d be tasteless in the extreme to compare my root eradication campaign with systemic genocide.) And chemicals are now on thetable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s how it goes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First, scalp the grass as per last year, then shallow-dig as per last year. (Done, and done.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Next, I\u2019ll rake and dig and pick roots out every day for a week (assuming it doesn\u2019t snow too heavily). I\u2019ll then leave it a week, to see what grows. If the grass comes back, I\u2019ll try \u201cwatering\u201d the area with bleach. Anything that\u2019s endorsed as a cure for a coronavirus by a sitting American President must be pretty good stuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But assuming it doesn\u2019t do the trick, I\u2019ll see if I can get some Agent Orange on ebay, and carefully apply it the affected area. It\u2019s really nasty stuff and thankfully no longer made, but I\u2019ll bet someone somewhere is trying to unload some.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And if that doesn\u2019t work, then I\u2019ll ask the Air Force to napalm the new veggie beds. I realize that that\u2019s pretty precise work for them to have to do, but with laser guiding and pinpoint GPSing and advanced computing, I\u2019m sure they\u2019ll manage to hit the spot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That ought to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As newbie gardeners, we\u2019re constantly increasing our respect for farmers, and especially one hundred percent, no liberal interpretation of \u201corganic\u201d organic farmers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Perhaps I should concentrate my energies on coming up with ways to cook and serve Kentucky bluegrass, crab grass and the like, and give up trying to coax regular vegetables into life. It seems that these grasses have no known predators (a bit like T Rex, meteors notwithstanding), so…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s it! Meteors\u2014the ultimate predator! I should put a big sign on the new veggie beds saying, \u201cMeteors Welcome to Land Here\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or maybe not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ah well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyhoo–it\u2019s stopped raining now, so I\u2019ll guess I\u2019ll pick up my boots and go back to my roots.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Weeds don\u2019t come with detailed instructions. Neither for growing nor for destroying. Yet a piece of weed root, plucked from the ground and left in the sun for two weeks, eaten and passed through the digestive systems of an entire nest of rodents, incinerated, ground into a fine powder, and encased in concrete is guaranteed to grow and flower\/seed within six weeks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,77],"tags":[675,674],"class_list":["post-1661","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-rant","tag-gardening-humour","tag-get-rid-of-crab-grass"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1661","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1661"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1661\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1663,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1661\/revisions\/1663"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1661"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1661"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1661"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}