![\"Gull\"](\"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/Gull.jpg\")
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\u201cHello. My name\u2019s Gary, and I\u2019m a herring addict.\u201d<\/p>\n
The circle of gulls clapped their wings to greet Gary.<\/p>\n
\u201cWelcome, Gary,\u201d said the group facilitator, whose name was Glenda. \u201cI\u2019m sure you already know this, but admitting the problem is the first stage in managing and overcoming an addiction.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nodding and bobbing of heads proceeded round the circle like a Mexican wave.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease\u2026 tell us all about your addiction, and how you realized that it was controlling you,\u201d said Glenda, as gently as she could in the language of gulls which, let\u2019s face it, isn\u2019t famous for its ability to convey empathy.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u2026 like\u2026 I enjoy\u2026 eating\u2026 fish,\u201d said Gary self-consciously. \u201cIt\u2019s a\u2026 a healthy food choice\u2014natural, nutritious, and plentiful. That\u2019s one reason I moved to the coast. But I\u2019m not great at catching them. Landfill food doesn\u2019t run away when you try to eat it. Well, not unless the maggots are particularly protective of their host. But fish; they\u2026 they move so fast!\u201d<\/p>\n
There were clucks of agreement around the room.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I realized that trawlers can catch fish a lot easier than I can. And the boats are easy to spot\u2014they have dozens of gulls hanging around nearby waiting to catch fish as they escape. And the gulls around one boat<\/p>\n
seemed to have everything. Food; friends; a happy outlook on life\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThere was this whole vibe about them\u2026 the camaraderie, the laughing and joking and singing; the dating opportunities\u2026 It was a chance for me to move up in the world a bit. I mean, Qaitl\u2019nnn\u2014she was my girlfriend back at the landfill\u2014was okay, but compared with east coast gulls\u2026 So I started hanging around on the sidelines, hoping they\u2019d invite me in. And they did. I became one of the Stern Wheelers.<\/p>\n
A rather rotund gull named Alfie said, \u201cWhy do they call themselves \u2018The Stern Wheelers\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cS\u2019easy,\u201d said Gary. \u201cThey hang around the back of the boat, swooping and diving and wheeling. \u2018Back Swoopers\u2019 would\u2019ve been a stupid name, so they called themselves the Stern Wheelers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a good name for your friends,\u201d said Glenda encouragingly.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood name, good friends,\u201d said Gary. \u201cLife got easier. I was eating more and stressing less, and I started putting on weight. Goodness knows, I needed to, but it got to the stage where I was getting overweight.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway, most of the fish the trawlers catch is herring, and in case you don\u2019t know, there\u2019s a lot of human herring addicts who\u2019ll pay top price for their fix. I know for a fact they smoke up on herring\u2014I\u2019ve heard them talk about it. And I\u2019m sure it\u2019s illegal, \u2018cause they use slang words. They refer to herrings as \u2018kippers\u2019.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway, one day a gang of landfill gulls moved in. They must\u2019ve realized that ten-day-old fast food was poisoning them and were looking for healthier food options.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shuddered.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re a nasty, aggressive lot. I used to be a landfill gull myself, but I was the wimpy one that always got beaten up. Anyway, me and The Stern Wheelers were no match for The Gullster Gangstas: they easily pushed us out. But they got too greedy and started attacking the fishing nets to get more herring. Our supplier got spooked, and started getting very protective with his inventory. Well\u2026 things quickly escalated, and before we knew it, guns were involved\u2014our supplier started using a shotgun to keep the Gullster Gangstas away. But he didn\u2019t distinguish between the Gangstas and us coasties\u2014he\u2019d do his best to blast us all out of the sky.<\/p>\n
\u201cFaced with the prospect of an instant weight gain from the lead shot followed by a plummet into the sea, I left the Stern Wheelers and went searching for a new herring supplier.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that\u2019s when I realized I was an addict. The trawlers had got me hooked. I was dependent on herring, which I couldn\u2019t obtain on my own\u2014I needed a supplier. Mackerel just didn\u2019t do it for me\u2014too oily; gives me heartburn\u2014it had to be herring. But every fishing boat I tried was already being overfished by another gang of landfill hoodlums.<\/p>\n
\u201cI tried landfill life again for a while, but it was harsh<\/em>. I\u2019d forgotten all the violence those gulls indulge in as naturally as they poop on clean cars. Plus, the mouldburgers made mackerel seem like manna from heaven by comparison. So I came back to the coast and tried catching my own fish again.<\/p>\n \u201cI lost a third of my body weight in two weeks due to my pathetic fishing skills. And that\u2019s when I realized I couldn\u2019t kick the habit on my own\u2014I needed help. When I saw the advert for \u2018Herriholics Anonymous\u2019 I thought I\u2019d give it a try.\u201d<\/p>\n The gathering showed its appreciation for Gary\u2019s candour. After a respectable pause, Glenda spoke.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you for sharing your story, Gary, and although in many ways it\u2019s a familiar one to all of us here, every person\u2019s story is unique.<\/p>\n \u201cDoes anyone have any words of encouragement for Gary?\u201d she continued, surveying the room.<\/p>\n A herring gull with shockingly poor plumage raised its wing.<\/p>\n \u201cGavin?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGary\u2026 dude. How did you ever get hooked on herring? I mean, like\u2026 y\u2019know\u2026 it\u2019s not like you\u2019re a herring gull.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cActually\u2026 I am a herring gull,\u201d replied Gary. \u201cIt\u2019s probably the accent that threw you. My stepdad\u2019s a kittiwake\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Gavin changed tack without a hint of a pause. \u201cLook dude, just \u2018cause you\u2019re a herring gull doesn\u2019t mean you can only eat herring. See Cynthia over there?\u201d Cynthia nodded and blushed. \u201cShe\u2019s a black-backed gull. What d\u2019ya think she should eat? And Percy there\u2014he\u2019s a kittiwake, but just like your stepdad, he doesn\u2019t devote his life to disturbing the sleep of every cat he can find.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, actually\u2026\u201d began Gary.<\/p>\n Alfie chimed in (if \u201cchime\u201d is an appropriate word for gull-speak.) \u201cWe\u2019re called herring gulls because humans see us eating more herring than any other fish. Doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t eat other fish. Or shellfish. Or worms. Just be careful of jellyfish, starfish, crabs, lobsters, octopus\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSTOP!\u201d squawked Gary. \u201cThis is exactly my problem! So many things to avoid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOr in my case, so many things to void,\u201d said another gull in the lowest voice he could manage, but which everyone heard anyway.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s simple, dude,\u201d said Gavin. \u201cStick to fish\u2014y\u2019know, head at one end, tailfin at the other, couple of fins on the sides, one on top\u2026 lots of scales. Worms give you gas, and everything else gives you trouble. Just fish for fish.\u201d<\/p>\n Everyone clapped Gavin enthusiastically for his common-sense advice.<\/p>\n \u201cUnfortunately, fish are a lot faster than everything else though,\u201d added Cynthia, \u201cso the key to beating your addiction is improving your fishing skills.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you everyone,\u201d said Glenda. \u201cDoes anyone have any tips for Gary with his fishing skills?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUhm\u2026 Red Bull?\u201d suggested Cynthia. It\u2019d speed up his reactions\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Glenda interrupted. \u201cWhile we appreciate the idea, Cynthia, it\u2019s not really helpful to suggest that Gary trade a herring addiction for a caffeine dependency.<\/p>\n \u201cDoes anyone else have any suggestions?\u201d<\/p>\n The silence was deafening. A gathering of gulls had never been so quiet. It was as though they\u2019d been told that they\u2019d all be given food if they could keep quiet for thirty seconds.<\/p>\n It was Percy who broke the silence.<\/p>\n \u201cUhhhmmm\u2026 have you tried the chippy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe what?\u201d asked Gary.<\/p>\n \u201cThe fish and chip shop on the high street,\u201d said Percy.<\/p>\n Nine pairs of beady eyes stared at Percy.<\/p>\n \u201cI know what the chippy is,\u201d said Gary. \u201cMy question was rhetorical; an expression of shocked surprise\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to eat the fries,\u201d said Percy defensively. \u201cBut they fillet their own fish, and their rubbish bin is easy to get into. It\u2019s all fresh; nothing like the landfill crap. It\u2019s my little secret\u2014had it to myself for several weeks now.\u201d<\/p>\n Glenda looked around the circle.<\/p>\n \u201cDoes anyone else have anything they want to suggest at this precise moment in time?\u201d<\/p>\n She waited for about three microseconds.<\/p>\n \u201cGood. Motion to adjourn?\u201d<\/p>\n Nobody answered. They were already all on their way to the chippy.<\/p>\n **As the title says, this is the fifth episode in the Gullsville series. The first three episodes were not originally written as episodes, but when the idea for Episode IV presented itself, I decided to turn them all into a saga whose titles parody the Star Wars\u2122 episode names. With episode five, it\u2019s obvious I\u2019m struggling with the title parodies! The \u201cDump Flyer\u201d is Gary the Gull, whose family lives on a landfill, and his \u201cfight back\u201d can be guessed from the opening line of the story.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cHello. My name\u2019s Gary, and I\u2019m a herring addict.\u201d The circle of gulls clapped their wings to greet Gary. \u201cWelcome, Gary,\u201d said the group facilitator, whose name was Glenda. \u201cI\u2019m sure you already know this, but admitting the problem is the first stage in managing and overcoming an addiction.\u201d The nodding and bobbing of heads proceeded round the circle like… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1253,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[487],"tags":[640,638,639],"class_list":["post-1432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stories","tag-addict","tag-gullsville","tag-herring"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1432"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1432\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1433,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1432\/revisions\/1433"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1253"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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