{"id":1337,"date":"2018-09-17T00:01:13","date_gmt":"2018-09-17T06:01:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=1337"},"modified":"2018-08-29T10:24:33","modified_gmt":"2018-08-29T16:24:33","slug":"potty-training","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2018\/09\/17\/potty-training\/","title":{"rendered":"Potty Training"},"content":{"rendered":"

Headline<\/a>: Japanese electric toilet symbols go global<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry says it’s aimed at making life less daunting for tourists visiting the country, especially given the rush of visitors expected for the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Antescript<\/strong>: You can read in some depth about the Japanese toilets at these links.
\nLink 1<\/a> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Link 2<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Prologue<\/strong>: Using alternative spellings and syntax to indicate that a Japanese person is speaking is probably considered offensive these days, so instead I have to ask that you imagine the entirety of the following scene being conducted in Japanese by Japanese people. Fortunately, these particular Japanese people are familiar with English-language idioms and modify their discourse in Japanese to incorporate them. This is very convenient for me as a writer, because it saves me from having to study Japanese idioms for two years before spending the four to twelve hours that it takes me to write this stuff.<\/p>\n

For those who can\u2019t tell the difference, the following is completely made-up. It\u2019s fiction\u2026 satire\u2026 humour\u2026<\/p>\n

\n

The scene: a university-style lecture theatre. Approximately 350 trainee \u201cAblution Ambassadors\u201d fill the seats. Reiji Yamayota, a middle-aged, mild-mannered man, enters and motions for silence.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning people. Welcome to Potty Training 101. As you know, the 2020 Summer Olympics are now only a few months away, and Japan will be playing host to tens if not hundreds of thousands of visitors, many of whom will be from the western world and unfamiliar with many aspects of Japanese culture. <\/p>\n

\u201cOne important and basic aspect of our culture is our toilet technology. The west may have given the rest of the world the \u2018porcelain throne\u2019, but our potty scientists have re-imagined it and brought it into the 21st century. However, the government\u2019s Culture Ministry has flagged this as a potential problem and has mandated that every public washroom in the Tokyo region have a multi-lingual \u2018ablution ambassador\u2019 on hand to help confused guests. <\/p>\n

\u201cYou have all been accepted for this job because you have the skills required\u2014fluency in English, three other European languages and Russian, and the ability to not laugh when talking about matters lavatorial.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou in the third row with your hand raised.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I might have lied in the interview,\u201d said the young, bright eyed owner of the raised hand. \u201cI\u2019m going to have trouble holding it together if someone asks me something like how he can be sure the posterior spray has been one hundred percent effective.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGet out!\u201d shouted Reiji in a tone that belied his meek manner. You\u2019re wasting my time and yours!\u201d<\/p>\n

The bright-eyed guy slunk out, closing the door quietly behind him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyone else have anything they need to tell me?\u201d asked Reiji. Nobody had.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen let\u2019s get started. As you know, western toilets are functional but antiquated by our standards. Westerners expect to enter a cubicle, relieve themselves, \u2018do the paperwork\u2019, flush and leave. They won\u2019t be used to our seat warmers, electrically-operated seats and lids, and the many other features of our toilets. In particular, the front and back sprays will come as a surprise to them.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf the water\u2019s too cool, it\u2019ll come as a big surprise!\u201d interjected a middle-aged gentleman at the end of the fifth row. Several sniggers greeted the comment.<\/p>\n

\u201cOut!\u201d yelled Reiji. <\/p>\n

\u201cI was merely observing that cold water sprayed onto you in any situation would be a big surprise\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm\u2026 perhaps I overreacted\u2014you may stay,\u201d said Reiji. The middle-aged guy managed to suppress a smirk of victory.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re now going to go through the features of our toilets function by function from a westerner\u2019s point of view.”<\/p>\n

Reiji then proceeded to go through the twenty-odd features found on most Japanese toilets as well as several found only on the high-end models. He started with the automated lid closure and electric seat, moved on to the controls for such things as the seat heater, warm air dryer, air conditioning and white noise generators. In the interests of brevity, only a few highlights are described here.<\/p>\n

~<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the most frequent causes of confusion is the presence of both toilet paper and the sprays. Many westerners aren\u2019t sure if you should use just one or the other, or both. Do not belittle them if they ask. Just advise them politely that they may use either or both, but that if they do use both, to make sure to use the paper first.\u201d<\/p>\n

~<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will frequently be asked about the cleanliness of the cleaning wand. Many westerners want to know how it remains hygienic. There\u2019s no need to go into detail. Just tell them that it\u2019s self-cleaning and in some cases, self-sterilizing. If they have any follow-up questions such as \u2018what happens if a person continues to relieve himself while the cleaning wand is in its deployed position\u2019, merely assure them that the technology is failsafe\u2014the issue is taken care of.<\/p>\n

~<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is a certain class of person that will spend an excessive amount of time deploying the \u2018front wash\u2019 feature. I\u2019m sure you don\u2019t need me to tell you that that kind of behaviour is immature and undesirable, as well as being wasteful of water and inconsiderate of anyone who may be waiting to use the facility. In such cases, you are authorized to use the taser feature of the toilet. In every ablution ambassador\u2019s office, you will find a console containing a screen, keypad and a large red button, like this. (a picture of the console appeared on the projector screen behind Reiji.) The button is locked\u2014you will need to type in a password to unlock it. To use this, select \u2018spray abuse deterrent\u2019 on the screen, enter the cubicle number, verify it, and then read the warning message before entering the password and pressing the button. A warning will be displayed on a screen in the cubicle, and if the front wash isn\u2019t turned off within ten seconds, the taser will fire. <\/p>\n

\u201cYou are obliged to call the emergency services as soon as the console indicates that the taser has been deployed.<\/p>\n

“Excessive deployment of the turbo wash feature of the rear spray should be managed in exactly the same way.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome people may linger in the toilet to use the air-conditioning feature, especially if the weather is hot and humid. The console provides a solution for this also. The procedure is the same as for the spray abuse, except that you select \u2018A\/C overuse\u2019. In this situation, the occupant will receive a warning, followed by a short blast of liquid nitrogen.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the day wore on, the trainee \u201cablution ambassadors\u201d became aware that some of the techniques being taught were not as tourist-friendly as they would have expected of a country hosting the summer Olympics. <\/p>\n

A rotund guy who looked to be in his thirties raised his hand to say so.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad you made that point,\u201d said Reiji. The Culture Ministry justifies their stance thus: these westerners are coming from countries that we Japanese visit a lot\u2014we inject large amounts of money into their tourism economies. Yet they refuse to raise the standards of their toilet facilities. In Canada, for example, tourists are subjected to what the locals call \u2018outhouses\u2019\u2014basically a seat with a hole in it over a tank. There\u2019s little or nothing done to prevent odours and insects, and nothing whatsoever done about sound transmission. The Minister for Culture used one of these abominations herself in western Canada only last year, and had to be treated for multiple wasp stings on her nether regions. In addition, she remembers stories her father told her about conditions in toilets in the United Kingdom in the 1960s. Apparently, if there was any toilet paper at all, it was thick and translucent\u2014he said that British schoolchildren used it as tracing paper! He also told her that in an effort to reduce toilet paper theft, every single sheet had \u201cCouncil Property\u201d printed on it in green lettering. It was the combination of her own experiences and the stories her father told her that led to her insisting on such… effective deterrents.\u201d<\/p>\n

A hubbub of whispered discussion ensued, and it took Reiji several attempts before he was able to regain control.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems that you all have concerns about this policy. If any of you feel strongly enough about it to withdraw from the class, please do so now.\u201d<\/p>\n

It took several seconds before the first dissenter moved, but not long after, the theatre was empty, except for Reiji and a wizened little man in the front row.<\/p>\n

\u201cThese youngsters,\u201d said Shinsaku (for that was his name), \u201cthey\u2019re too soft!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems that way,\u201d agreed Reiji. \u201cSo what keeps you here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe? I\u2019m a self-confessed sadist, I am. There\u2019s not many opportunities to zap people\u2019s wossnames or freeze their bums and get paid for it. I\u2019m looking forward to it. I\u2019ve already decided that I\u2019ll give everyone one minute in the cubicle and then I\u2019m pressing that button! I want to see how high I can get them to jump. It\u2019ll be so much fun!…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUhm… how did you get through the screening process?\u201d asked Reiji.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t. I\u2019m on the university\u2019s janitorial staff. I was just sitting in here for something to do. And then I realized I\u2019d found my ideal job.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what?\u201d said Reiji. \u201cYou can have my<\/em> job. Sounds like you\u2019ll enjoy teaching trainee sadists more than I do. You might even know where to get enough sadists to fulfil the ministry\u2019s requirements.\u201d<\/p>\n

And so Shinsaku did. And when it came around to the Olympics, he inadvertently did them a favour. He just happened to get assigned to the competitors\u2019 toilet facilities, and each time he suspected a competitor of being in a cubicle self-administering a banned substance, he zapped them right up to the ceiling.<\/p>\n

Word got around, and the 2024 Olympics were the first \u201cclean\u201d Olympics in eighty-eight years.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Headline: Japanese electric toilet symbols go global \u201cThe Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry says it’s aimed at making life less daunting for tourists visiting the country, especially given the rush of visitors expected for the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo.\u201d Antescript: You can read in some depth about the Japanese toilets at these links. Link 1 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[487],"tags":[615,614],"class_list":["post-1337","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stories","tag-japanese-toilet","tag-olympics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1337","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1337"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1337\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1337"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1337"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1337"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}