{"id":1193,"date":"2018-06-04T00:01:09","date_gmt":"2018-06-04T06:01:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=1193"},"modified":"2020-02-15T19:13:59","modified_gmt":"2020-02-16T02:13:59","slug":"princess","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2018\/06\/04\/princess\/","title":{"rendered":"Being a Princess"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Ever thought that being a princess was a walk in the park? A piece of cake? A cakewalk? (What is it about cakes and walking?)<\/p>\n<p>I decided to analyze the attributes of princesses and come up with a job advert. Princessing is no cake in the park, I tell ya!<\/p>\n<h1>Job Opportunity\u2014Princess<\/h1>\n<p>Datfoot* Services, a company that specializes in royal family reconstruction is currently seeking a Princess to complete a dynasty in a land far away. <br \/>\nOur clients, the heads of the dynasty, wish for their new daughter to possess all the attributes of famous and much-loved princesses, such as Ariel, Aurora, Snow White, Belle, Jasmine and Merida.<\/p>\n<p>Please note that we seek applications from genuine princesses only. Being a princess by marriage will not suffice, as although we cannot discriminate against married princesses, we likewise cannot be seen to condone and encourage bigamy.<\/p>\n<h2>Key Responsibilities<\/h2>\n<p>The successful candidate will be responsible for <\/p>\n<ul style=\"list-style-type: disc;\">\n<li>Being the (non-poisonous) apple of her new parents\u2019 eyes.<\/li>\n<li>Being the perfect prospective wife for princes of other realms.<\/li>\n<li>Cooking and cleaning for seven grown men (grown in the sense of age, not height).<\/li>\n<li>Eating poison apples when required.<\/li>\n<li>Staying alive (with help when appropriate).<\/li>\n<li>Kissing frogs, beasts and other creatures.<\/li>\n<li>Living happily ever after.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Skills and Key Attributes<\/h2>\n<p>The successful candidate will be the one who possess the largest number of skills and attributes in the following list.<\/p>\n<ul style=\"list-style-type: disc;\">\n<li>Comfortable alone in dark, creepy forests.<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable enough that when meeting strange men in forests you dance with them.<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable with heights and with flying in aircraft that don\u2019t meet modern flight safety standards (e.g., carpets)<\/li>\n<li>Free-spirited\u2014comfortable giving parents (or step-parents) a hard time.<\/li>\n<li>Enchanting singing voice.<\/li>\n<li>Happy to live alone in a castle with a beastly male for a while.<\/li>\n<li>Amphibious.<\/li>\n<li>Feminine \u2026attributes\u2026 capable of being contained in two seashells<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable with participating in an arranged marriage (unless you are of Arabian or Scottish extraction in which case you must be pathologically opposed to arranged marriage.)<\/li>\n<li>Keen to discover whole new worlds.<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable talking to anthropomorphized clocks, teapots, cups, candelabra, etc.<\/li>\n<li>Accomplished seamstress\u2014tapestries a specialty.<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable dealing with witches, both good and bad.<\/li>\n<li>Na\u00efve\u2014happy to accept apples as gifts from old crones, to believe wicked step-parents, etc.<\/li>\n<li>Excellent improvisational singing ability\u2014must be able to duet at the drop of a hat.<\/li>\n<li>Fluent in fish, crab, seagull, monkey, or any other animal with whom socializing is required.<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable believing that phantoms, such as will o\u2019-the wisps (or should that be \u201cwills o\u2019-the wisp?) can lead you to your destiny. (See also \u201cna\u00efve\u201d above.)<\/li>\n<li>Must look beautiful when lying comatose on beds, rocks, etc.<\/li>\n<li>Accomplished master toxophilite (that\u2019s \u201carcher\u201d in colloquial English).<\/li>\n<li>Comfortable hanging with commoners, to the point of considering them as a husband and future father of children.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Datfoot Services thanks all applicants for their interest; however, please note that we will not contact you unless you are (a) a princess and (b) considered for the position by our clients.<\/p>\n<p>* Datfoot\u2014not to be confused with DisKnee.<\/p>\n<p>Feel free to apply by leaving a comment.<\/p>\n<p>Heck&#8211;leave a comment anyway!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ever thought that being a princess was a walk in the park? A piece of cake? A cakewalk? (What is it about cakes and walking?) I decided to analyze the attributes of princesses and come up with a job advert. Princessing is no cake in the park, I tell ya! Job Opportunity\u2014Princess Datfoot* Services, a company that specializes in royal&#8230; <a href=\"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2018\/06\/04\/princess\/\">Read more &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181],"tags":[664,325,574,573],"class_list":["post-1193","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","tag-500words","tag-disney","tag-job-opportunity","tag-princess"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1193","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1193"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1193\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1527,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1193\/revisions\/1527"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1193"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1193"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1193"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}