In my constant search for ways to supplement my income, I recently discovered worm farming. I was in a conversation with a family member out on Vancouver Island, and we got around to talking about worm hunter-gatherers, farmers and so on, and surprise\u2014they all exist!<\/p>\n
So I used my favourite search engine to find a Dude Ranch nearby that caters to vermiphiles, packed my bags, and drove out to The Wormhole Ranch<\/em>.<\/p>\n I drove down the vermicular (that\u2019s wormlike to you and me) entrance driveway and parked outside the office, a curved, tubular building fashioned to resemble an earthworm. The effect was somewhat spoiled by the windows, and the antennae-like twin chimneys gave the overall effect of a creature from a spoof alien movie, but perhaps that\u2019s what they were going for, given the ranch\u2019s name.<\/p>\n After checking in and settling down in my cabin (the floor of which was covered in dark-coloured chunks of foam to mimic a worm farm bed), I donned my freshly-purchased wormboy duds. On my head, a Stetson with a braided hatband. My shirt was a pinkish-brown sweatshirt with a cartoon on the front of a worm sporting arms with Popeye biceps. My jeans matched the colour of the shirt, and had ringed lines around the legs which made them look like worms. The ensemble was finished off with a pair of soft-soled flip-flops\u2014after all, a good wormboy doesn\u2019t want to tread on the livestock and kill them.<\/p>\n After a final check in the mirror I ventured outside and joined a group of horse riders who were being shown how to wrangle Red Wrigglers.<\/p>\n The horses were about twenty inches high at the shoulders and made from fibreglass. The \u201chead\u201d held a small bucket and was hinged so that as I bent down to pick up a worm, the head moved and the bucket was nearer the ground.<\/p>\n In the centre of the group was a worm-grunter. His job was to make a wooden stake vibrate in the ground, an activity that was guaranteed to bring the worms to the surface. Apparently, worm hunters use this technique in the wild as well as in ranching operations.<\/p>\n As we wrangled, the foreman (actually a gal) gave us some insight to life as a worm wrangler.<\/p>\n \u201cYa have to git inside their heads,\u201d she said. \u201cIf ya don\u2019t, you\u2019ll never work out which way they\u2019ll run. You haff t\u2019 larn to psych them out. And after you bin workin\u2019 with \u2018em for a decade or so, ye start thinkin\u2019 like a worm, and ye intuitively reach down and grab the little dawgies first time.\u201d<\/p>\n A video game developer named Dwayne from Saskatchewan put his hand up.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy does is take so long to learn to think like a worm? It\u2019s not like they\u2019ve got humungous brains. And why does it even matter? Like, they can\u2019t outrun us. And when I say \u2018outrun\u2019, I guess I should say \u2018out-slither\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n Kenndrahh (she really did spell her name that way) chuckled knowingly. \u201cYou poor son-of-a-biscuit,\u201d she said. \u201cY\u2019re dealin\u2019 with hundreds of the little beggars, and it looks like they\u2019re all headed in random directions. But when y\u2019re inside their heads, y\u2019instinctively know where they\u2019re all headed, so you guide y\u2019r hoss accordingly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich end is the head at?\u201d asked a matronly lady named Elspeth, who had flown in from Ireland.<\/p>\n \u201cDepends,\u201d said Kenndrahh. \u201cIf ye hear a beepin\u2019 noise, that means it\u2019s backin\u2019 up, so the head\u2019ll be at the back, otherwise it\u2019s at the front.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d enquired Elspeth.<\/p>\n \u201cNah,\u201d returned Kenndrahh. \u201cbe honest with ya, I can\u2019t tell their heads from their asses.\u201d<\/p>\n A bespectacled octogenarian of indeterminate (and unimportant) gender spoke. \u201cOn mature worms, there\u2019s a clitellum (several young men giggled here<\/em>) towards the anterior end. The clitellum (cue giggles again<\/em>) is a thicker and smoother segment. Some people think it\u2019s where the worm has been chopped in half and re-generated, but it\u2019s actually where the eggs and sperm (giggle<\/em>) get wrapped into a cocoon so they can co-mingle and make baby worms.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, spit on m\u2019spurs an\u2019 pick ma wedgie!\u201d declared Kenndrahh. \u201cThey say it\u2019s a poor day if\u2019n ya don\u2019t larn summat, and I jest larned summat right there!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re welcome,\u201d said the B.O., simpering a little.<\/p>\n Eager to learn more about The Wormhole<\/em>, I moseyed on down to the Worm Marketing Corral.<\/p>\n On the way, I passed the worm-roping pen, where dudes just like me were learning to catch wild worms with a lariat and tie them down with a piggin\u2019 string. This activity was more for entertainment than education since the worm\u2019s lack of legs made it impossible to incapacitate it using the piggin\u2019 string.<\/p>\n The exercise wasn\u2019t totally futile though, because worms are arrogant by nature, and a worm with an exaggerated sense of its own importance doesn\u2019t make for good fishing bait, so the worm roping (including the full body slam\u2014sshhh\u2014don\u2019t tell the animal welfare folk) has a somewhat humbling effect.<\/p>\n In the marketing corral, salespeople were giving talks about the various outlets for worms. These include fishing bait and pet food for snakes, birds, fish, and other small animals. They also spoke about the value of worm poop\u2014a soil conditioner and fertilizer much-valued by gardeners.<\/p>\n The bulk of The Wormhole<\/em>\u2019s product is shipped south of the border, where American anglers are falling over themselves to purchase large, juicy, Canadian worms. The speaker did point out though, that as part of the NAFTA renegotiations, Trump has his sights set on the worm market, and is considering punitive tariffs. If this happens, then ranches such as The Wormhole<\/em> will be forced to rely more and more on tourism. They already have plans to cater to gastronomes in search of new and interesting eating experiences, and hinted that a new kind of vermicelli might form the foundation of their menus.<\/p>\n The rest of my stay was as interesting as my first day. We took part in worm-branding, and were treated to the chef\u2019s specialty\u2014wormery oysters. Rumour has it that the dish is made from the bits that turn bull worms into steer worms, but that seems a little far-fetched to me.<\/p>\n In the evenings, we played worm-patty bingo (where we bet on which square in a tray of worm dirt a worm would emerge), and slept on the foam-strewn floors of our cabins.<\/p>\n I never did see Kenndrahh again, although the chef looked just like her, but the French accent told me it couldn\u2019t have been. (But as I write this, I wonder if it was her and she was faking one or both of the accents?)<\/p>\n Would I recommend The Wormhole Ranch<\/em> to anyone? Right now, yes, I would. But the post-NAFTA plans may spoil the rustic appeal of the place as it ramps up the number of guests it can accommodate.<\/p>\n And the mention of vermicelli on the menu just sets off alarm bells in my head. Why vermicelli? And what are they going to do with all the worms once they can\u2019t sell south of the border so easily?<\/p>\n So\u2026 if you want to go, go now. And say \u201chi\u201d to Kenndrahh from me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In my constant search for ways to supplement my income, I recently discovered worm farming. I was in a conversation with a family member out on Vancouver Island, and we got around to talking about worm hunter-gatherers, farmers and so on, and surprise\u2014they all exist! So I used my favourite search engine to find a Dude Ranch nearby that caters… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,487],"tags":[550,552,551,549],"class_list":["post-1154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-stories","tag-dude-ranch","tag-red-wrigglers","tag-wormhole","tag-worms-farm"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1154","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1154"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1154\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1154"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1154"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1154"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}The Wormhole Ranch<\/h1>\n
Out on the Range<\/h1>\n
The Arrogance of Worms<\/h1>\n
The Worm Market<\/h1>\n
The Rest of the Trip<\/h1>\n
Overall\u2026<\/h1>\n