{"id":1063,"date":"2018-02-19T00:01:45","date_gmt":"2018-02-19T07:01:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/?p=1063"},"modified":"2018-02-18T13:09:58","modified_gmt":"2018-02-18T20:09:58","slug":"ships-of-the-desert","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/2018\/02\/19\/ships-of-the-desert\/","title":{"rendered":"Ships of the Desert"},"content":{"rendered":"

News report:<\/a> Camels banned from Saudi beauty contest over Botox<\/strong><\/p>\n

The scene: an oasis in the desert, somewhere in the Middle East. At its edge, a group of lady dromedaries (camels with one hump) are grazing the scant vegetation. As they do so, a pair of Bactrian camels (two-humped camels)\u2014tourists from Afghanistan\u2014arrive at the oasis, stride over to the water\u2019s edge and start imbibing.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Sadie<\/td>\n(Observing the newly-arrived Bactrians)<\/em> Bloody tourists! Do they think water grows on trees?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nI wouldn\u2019t be surprised. Look at them with their Ray-Bann eyelids and perfectly coiffured neck. More money than sense, if you ask me.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nAnd her humps\u2014they can\u2019t be her own. I bet she\u2019s had them \u201cenhanced\u201d, or my name\u2019s not Camilla.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nYour name isn\u2019t Camilla, Sadie. See Camilla over there\u2014her name is Camilla.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nI was being humorous, ya crazy \u2018ol camel you. Anyway\u2014minimum of 25% silicone, I\u2019d say. There\u2019s no way her humps could look that firm and perky after a ten-day trek across the desert.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nOooooh\u2026 I don\u2019t know. Those Bactrians can go for decades without water if they have to.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nDon\u2019t be ridiculous!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\n(strolling over to Cindy & Sadie)<\/em> They\u2019re not her own, are they? I\u2019d give my right toe to have my hump looking that good!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nIf she\u2019s had implants, how could she store enough fat in those humps to survive the trip?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nDunno. Maybe they\u2019ve invented an alternative to silicone that can store fat.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nOne thing\u2019s for certain. She\u2019s had work done on those lips. And her eyes. Looks like she\u2019s the prototype for \u201cCamel Barbie\u201d.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nYou\u2019re not jealous, are you?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nNot at all! Why do you ask?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nWell everyone knows you got a nose job last time you were up in Riyadh.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nThat\u2019s not true! I walked into a light pole in the dark!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nAre you listening to yourself? A light pole? In the dark?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nUhm\u2026 the light wasn\u2019t working?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nMore likely the freezing hadn\u2019t worn off on your eyelids dearie!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\n(strolling over to see what the kerfuffle\u2019s about)<\/em> Are you girls jealous of Camilla\u2019s natural good looks?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nI\u2019m not jealous of anything, Tawny. Judging by the attention I get from those French foreign legionnaires, I\u2019ve got nothing to worry about in the looks department.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nLegionnaires schmeejionnaires! What about the guy camels? I don\u2019t see them flocking around you!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nWhat? You mean Humpy, Bumpy, Lumpy and Stumpy over there? When they start giving me presents, I\u2019ll start worrying about them. Until then, I\u2019ll dream of my dreamboat in Baghdad and flirt with the legionnaires.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nY\u2019know what, Sadie? You\u2019ve got no class! Those legionnaires only want you for your shade! They\u2019re using you! They can\u2019t withstand the heat like we can, so they tempt you into sitting down, as if you were to\u2026 you know\u2026 thing\u2026, and then they sit in the shade of your hump.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nIt\u2019s not true! They say nice things about me. The appreciate me having such a large hump!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nBigger hump\u2026 more shade\u2026 hallo-o-o-o-o?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nAre you actually blushing there, Sadie?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nNah\u2014she had her cheeks surgically coloured to look more healthy. Mind you, it also covers up when she does blush!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nOooohhh! I told you that in confidence! You couldn\u2019t keep a secret if it was stuck up your nose in a sandstorm! I should\u2019ve known better!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nIt\u2019s okay Sadie. We all guessed. When you came back you looked like you\u2019d run the whole way from Riyadh, but it hadn\u2019t faded by the next day. Ipso fatso, you got yourself blushed.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nHow come I didn\u2019t know?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nIt was the same trip that you got your nose job, remember?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nAnyway, she says, changing the subject, d\u2019you think we should go and talk to those Bactrian camels about how much water they\u2019re drinking?\u00a0<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\u00a0<\/td>\nGeneral agreement. Sadie, Tawny, Camilla and Cindy mosey on over to where Alice and Arnold are filling up.<\/em><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nHi, guys! Welcome to the oasis. Are you sticking around for long?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Arnold<\/td>\nJust long enough to load up on water and maybe find a bit to eat.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nWe couldn\u2019t help noticing that the water level in the oasis has gone down since you got here. You\u2019re not filling up both<\/em> of your humps, are you?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nWe were hoping to.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nThe thing is, you\u2019ve got two humps each, and they\u2019re\u2026 you\u2019re\u2026 you\u2019re generously blessed in the hump department, both of you.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Arnold<\/td>\nSounds like a bit of hump envy to me, eh Al?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nCould be, babe.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nLook here, silicone valley, we couldn\u2019t give a scorpion\u2019s scrotum about the number or size of your humps. What we care about is having enough water here to assist other visitors after you\u2019ve gone.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nYou\u2019re a bit too lippy for your own good, you dromedary dork.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nLook who\u2019s calling the kettle black! You look like you\u2019ve had a helium tank attached to your lips. That\u2019s one ugly Botox job girl!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Arnold<\/td>\nYou watch what you\u2019re saying about my Alice!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nAlice? Alice! Who the\u2026 (Link to the video that explains this line… NSFW<\/a>)
\n<\/em><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nLanguage, Cind.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nI know a song about a camel called Alice.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nOh, not you too? I\u2019m so fed up with that song! \u201cAlice the camel has ten humps, Alice the camel has ten humps\u2026\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\nYeah, but it\u2019s really funny on the last verse, cuz, Alice is a horse!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nOh ha ha, bloody ha!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Arnold<\/td>\nIs this how you treat visitors to your country?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nNo. We normally send them up to the Foreign Legion fort, don\u2019t we, Cind?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Arnold<\/td>\n???<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nPrivate joke.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nYou know there\u2019s no fluoride in that water\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Arnold<\/td>\nWhat? No fluoride!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nYeah. And you know what? Cindy here weed in it this morning.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Cindy<\/td>\nSo did Camilla.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nAn\u2019 you know what wee does to silicone implants\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nWhat?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tawny<\/td>\nIf I told you that you\u2019ll look even more like a horse\u2026<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Alice<\/td>\nMy lovely twin peaks! Will they wilt? (Tawny nods her head) That\u2019s it Arnie \u2013 we\u2019re out of here!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie<\/td>\nNice to have met you guys. Safe journey.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Camilla<\/td>\n(As Arnold and Alice rapidly disappear)<\/em> May you never sleep downwind of your human.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sadie et al<\/td>\nSuckers!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

News report: Camels banned from Saudi beauty contest over Botox The scene: an oasis in the desert, somewhere in the Middle East. At its edge, a group of lady dromedaries (camels with one hump) are grazing the scant vegetation. As they do so, a pair of Bactrian camels (two-humped camels)\u2014tourists from Afghanistan\u2014arrive at the oasis, stride over to the water\u2019s… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,486],"tags":[526,524,523,525],"class_list":["post-1063","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fake","category-scripts","tag-alice-the-camel","tag-botox","tag-camels","tag-oasis"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1063","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1063"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1063\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1063"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1063"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/reggothard.com\/kelvin\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1063"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}