Category Archives: What If

1200 – 2000 word pieces that latch on to a news item and look at it from a different perspective or extrapolate the item to the nth degree.

How to Convince People the Earth’s Flat

Apparently, we can be blinded by “science” if “science” throws some diagrams, graphs or charts in with the information being peddled. This probably isn’t surprising, if you stop to think about it. In fact, the degree of surprise decreases with the amount of time you think about it, as shown in this graph. This really is a thing, according to… Read more »

Reddy Mc Redface

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The “XXXy McXXXFace” meme/fad seems to have gained a life of its own and spread to places one would never have expected it to. For many, the most famous example is “Boaty McBoatFace”, a suggestion made for the name of a polar research vessel in the UK. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find references to, for example, “Hooty… Read more »

More Fruit and Veg

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This past summer, I wrote a piece about political correctness where fruits and vegetables are concerned. It was based on a fictitious future (circa 2032) news item about scientists having discovered that fruit and veg can understand human languages. This led fruit and veggie advocates to inform the world that expressions such as “red as a beetroot”, “blow a raspberry”… Read more »

Teaching a New Dog Old Tricks

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News headline: Sheepdog puppy led a herd of sheep into his owners’ home To paraphrase the UB40 song from 1986— “There’s a sheep in mi kitchen, what am I gonna do?”… What would you do if you found nine sheep in your kitchen? Fall asleep as you counted them? Threaten them with the mint sauce jar? Tell them to get… Read more »

Living on the Edge

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Headline: “Roadkill deaths driving some species to the edge” The animals of Nickeldime Wood had convened at the Old Lightning Tree for what in less politically-sensitive times would have been referred to colloquially as a pow wow. Friend and foe, and predator and prey were all gathered there. Such meetings were rare, but if one thing was guaranteed to bring… Read more »

Sunflowers on the Beach

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Interesting fact: Sunflowers turn to face the sun in order to maximize photosynthesis and to encourage the insects that are necessary for pollination to occur. Mature sunflowers that have been pollinated no longer follow the sun. Scene: a bar in a sun-kissed holiday resort. Mick and Rick, two forty-something guys, are people watching as they sip at their refreshing mid-morning… Read more »

Salad’s Day

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Timeline: November 2032 The political correctness thing has reached ridiculous levels! Today I was arrested for an article I wrote about fruits and vegetables fifteen years ago, in July 2017. Apparently the fruit and vegetable rights lobby group, “FAV’RITE” (~Fruits and Vegetables Rights) had shopped me to the PC Police for historic abuse of produce, citing the article as evidence…. Read more »

Canada Day at the Chalmondley-Wellichuks’

(Note to the uninitiated—“Cholmondeley” is pronounced “Chumley”. Honest!) “Pass the maple-rye,” said Tyrone Cholmondley-Wellichuk, the family patriarch. His love of rye whiskey infused with maple syrup was legendary in the circles in which he moved. And move in circles is what he frequently did, since one leg was shorter than the other as well as being somewhat paralyzed—the result of… Read more »

Nice Legs—Shame About the Peach Fuzz (aka bumfluff)

Headline: Schoolboys wear skirts in uniform protest The Scene: A meeting of the Board of Governors of the “Our Lady of Grantham” Academy, somewhere in the heartland of middle- to middle-upper-middle-class England. Seated around the table (which, it is rumoured, was once graced with the elbows of the Iron Lady herself) are: Elizabeth Swollocks, the school’s head teacher; Cyril Arbuthnot,… Read more »

Lost

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Headline: Remains of five ‘lost’ Archbishops of Canterbury found Once he’d gotten over the surprise of meeting four people in the 56 mile-long tunnel, Archbishop John Moore said, “So where are we?” His question echoed its way along and around the walls of the underground chamber at which he had just arrived. “Beats me,” replied Archbishop Cornwallis. “If it wasn’t… Read more »